Dear Evan Hansen one-shots!

He's Dead Because of Me

This is dedicated to themixedupfilesofme because we cried about an idea like this for a good 10 minutes💕

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"Babe I'm home and I have Reese's and Rolo ice cream!" Zoe yelled.

She threw her keys into the dish by the door and kicked the door shut. She pulled her earbuds out, cutting Stevie Wonder off mid note and put her bag down. She pulled her boots off and looked around the house she shared with Evan.

"Babe!" She yelled. There was no response.

Zoe wandered into the kitchen and saw a clean plate in the dish drainer.

"What the hell?" She muttered. Evan rarely ate without her. It was usually only when he was working but he wasn't working tonight.

Zoe put the ice cream in the freezer and wandered into the living room, half expecting to see him asleep on the couch, but he wasn't there either. His shoes had been in the front hall and she sighed.

"Evan!" She yelled. She walked towards the steps and started to climb them. The empty guest bedroom was, well, empty. She walked down the hall and opened the door to the bedroom they shared. The lights were off but she saw him sitting against the headboard on their bed.

"Evan! I thought you'd gotten kidnapped or something..." Zoe trailed off. "Baby are you okay?"

Evan had his knees pulled up to his chest and there were tears streaming down his cheeks. Zoe put her phone down on top of her dresser and ran over to him. She knelt in front of him on the bed and looked at him.

"Baby, why are you crying?" Zoe asked gently. Evan didn't say anything. Zoe wrapped her arms around him and hugged him tightly.

"Oh baby, please don't cry." Zoe soothed. Evan took a shaky breath and Zoe hugged him tighter.

"It's my f-fault." Evan said. Zoe looked at him.

"What?" She asked.

"He's d-dead and it's all m-my f-fault!" Evan sobbed. Zoe pushed a stray piece of hair out of her face and looked Evan in the eyes.

"Baby what are you talking about?" Zoe asked. Evan looked at her.

"C-Connor. He's d-dead and it's m-my f-fault." Evan said. Zoe looked at him.

"Evan, Connor's been dead for a long time. Honey what brought this on?" Zoe asked gently.

"I d-don't kn-know." Evan sobbed. Zoe hugged him tightly and kissed his tear stained cheek.

"Honey, you didn't do anything wrong." Zoe said soothingly. Evan looked at her.

"He's dead because of me." Evan said.

"Evan, honey, he ki...ki... he did it to himself. You weren't a factor." Zoe said. She still couldn't bring herself to say that Connor had killed himself.

"No. I was. We were in the computer lab and I- I had typed up- I wrote a letter and he found it and he read it and he got angry and he took the letter- he walked out with the letter and next thing I know, he's dead. Tell me again that I'm not a factor." Evan said. Zoe sighed sadly and shook her head.

"Honey, just because he stole your letter because he was angry that my name was in it doesn't make you a factor." Zoe said soothingly. She wiped away his tears and kissed his temple.

"It doesn't?" Evan asked. Zoe shook her head.

"No honey. Of course not. It has nothing to do with you." Zoe said. Zoe leaned against the headboard and Evan rested his head on her chest. She absentmindedly ran her fingers through his hair.

"I love you. I'd love you even if it was a factor." Zoe whispered. Evan shook his head.

"No. You'd hate me. You'd hate me the way I hate me." Evan said.

"Evan what are you-"

"Just... it's fine Zoe." Evan said.

"No it's not fine. You hate yourself?" Zoe asked quietly. Evan looked at her.

"It's not anything new Zoe. I've been fighting with this for so long. I've been fighting this completely alone for God knows how long." Evan said. He got up and walked towards the door when Zoe stopped him.

"You are not alone." Zoe said. Evan turned around and looked at her.

"What did you say?"

"You are not alone." Zoe said again. Evan looked at the ground and Zoe walked towards him.

"Evan, you don't have to go through this by yourself." Zoe said. Evan looked up at her with his eyes full of tears.

"But I have been going through this by myself. For such a long time." Evan said. Zoe grabbed his hands and her eyes filled with tears.

"Baby you don't have to anymore. I'm going to be here. Whenever you need it. I'm here." Zoe said. Evan kissed her and smiled sadly at her.

"When did I get so lucky?" He asked softly. Zoe shrugged.

"Who knows. Maybe it's since you started dating me." Zoe said. Evan laughed softly as more tears spilled down his cheeks.

"M-Maybe you're right." Evan said. Zoe put her hand against his cheek and he leaned into her touch.

"I love you. My God, I love you so so much. But you're not alone anymore. I am here for you. And baby I promise, I'm not going anywhere." Zoe whispered.

"I love you." Evan said softly. Zoe kissed him gently and looked at him. He took both of her hands and looked at her.

"I love you too." Zoe whispered. Evan kissed her and she smiled.

"Are you feeling better?" Zoe asked gently. Evan smiled sadly and nodded. Zoe put her hand on his cheek and smiled.

"Wanna get some takeout and make fun of reality TV?" Zoe asked gently starting to sway back and forth. Evan chuckled softly, turned his head and kissed the palm of her hand.

"Real Housewives of Miami?" Evan asked. Zoe nodded and laughed.

"Real Housewives of Miami." Zoe confirmed. Evan smiled and kissed her gently.

"Ooh! And I have ice cream in the freezer!" Zoe said excitedly. Evan looked at her.

"When did you have time to get that?" Evan asked.

"On my way home from my place of employment. There was a 2 for 1 sale so I figured why not." Zoe said. Evan smiled and grabbed her hand. They walked downstairs and Zoe pulled out the stash of takeout menus.

"Chinese or Thai?" She asked.

"Chinese." Evan said. Zoe smiled.

"Okay awesome! Just what we normally get?" Zoe asked. She looked up and saw Evan nod. She walked over to him and grabbed his hand.

"Hey, it's okay. I'm not going anywhere." Zoe said soothingly. Evan looked at her and smiled sadly.

"What did I do to deserve you?" He asked quietly. Zoe smiled and kissed him.

"I don't know. But I love you. So you're not going to be able to get rid of me." Zoe joked. Evan laughed and hugged her tightly. Zoe smiled and kissed him on the cheek before looking at him.

"Chinese food?" She asked. Evan smiled.

"Chinese food."