In My Life (John Lennon fanfic)

Chapter 18.

The entire drive back home was too quiet. I bit my lip, thinking of what to even say. I was only a few weeks. To be honest, I didn't know if it was John's or Andrew's. This again, reminding me of how much of a whore I am.

When we got out of the vehicle, Julian came around and hugged me. I froze in my tracks and hugged him back.

"What's this for?" I asked. He looked up at me and shrugged.

"Just because I can."

I smiled and ruffled his hair. "Come on. Let's go inside."

We made our way into the house, finishing up our decorating. This was my way of keeping my mind off things.  Julian helped now and then. He spent most of his time in his room doing god knows what. I knew he still blamed himself for what happened to James. I told him not to. But, he still did.

I started feeling off a few days ago. Nauseated, cramping, dizzy....exactly how I felt the past few times I was pregnant. The morning sickness began yesterday. That is what pushed me to see the doctor as soon as possible. But to be honest, I was unsure if I was going to keep it. I also wasn't sure if I was going to tell John. Or Andrew. But I was going to ask Julian.

..

"You don't know who the father is??" Julian asked, freaking out. I sat on the sofa and shook my head.

"No. But, I don't know if I want to keep this baby. If do, I'll just keep thinking I had it as a substitute for James. I miss him Jules. A hell of a lot. But, it's not this baby's fault. It deserves a chance at life....I'm so confused." I said biting my lip. Julian sat next to me.

"I think ye should keep the little bugger. You deserve to have it."

I kissed the top of his head and nodded. "Please don't tell your father. Just, not yet."

"Can't ye just have sex with him and tell him the baby is his??"

I looked at him, raising my eyebrows. "Julian!"

He nodded. "Okay mum. I love you."

"I love you too baby."

..

After a hot bath, I sat in the living room, looking through a photo album of pictures. Me and James in the hospital the day he was born. In Paul's arms. I missed Paul. He didn't know yet about James. He'll find out soon. I knew it was in the paper. Especially since it was John's son. I didn't want to think about it.

I decided to make myself some tea. I was reaching for the tin box, when I saw the bottle of liquor beside it. I was about to grab that instead, when there was a knock on the door. I answered it and smiled to see John.

"Hi." I stepped aside so he could come in. He walked into the living room and sat down. I followed. "Is everything alright?"

"I dunno. Depends how ye put it. I told Yoko about us. I told her that I'm still in love with you and that...I want to be with you."

I blinked and took a breath. "John..."

"Please Lucy....I do love you. And after all this I realised, how short time is. I mean for fucks sake, James was happy and alive one day and the next, he's just gone. But we have to just deal with it. Although he was taken from us, he did live a great life. He had a mum who loved him dearly. He had a father who loved him. Two brothers who filled him with joy. Maybe it was his time."

I stayed silent and nodded. He watched as I sat next to him, taking his hand in mine. "I love you John. There's something I need to tell you."

"Yes?"