In My Life (John Lennon fanfic)

Chapter 39.

Four Days Later

I fixed my eye makeup before I got out of the vehicle. I looked around and made sure everyone was gone from the gravesite as I pulled Maxwell out of the backseat. Holding his hand, we made our way up the small walkway and to the freshly covered grave. I sniffled and placed the roses on the gravestone.

"I never knew this is the way it'd be. It was a beautiful ceremony. I watched from the back. I just...I didn't want to intrude. I feel like, your family wouldn't understand everything between you and me. I feel like, we had our own chapter. Our own world."

Maxwell ran around the grassy area, as I sat down, not caring about getting my skirt dirty. I took a breath and tucked a strand of hair behind my ear.

"I found the letter. You were going to give me. The doctor found it in your coat pocket. I just....I haven't brought myself to open it." I let the tears fall as I spoke. "You told me you wouldn't do anything to hurt me Andrew. That's the stupidest thing you ever said. Now look at me. You promised to take care of me. To take care of Max. Our little boy."

I stopped myself from speaking anymore to dab my eyes. I sighed and shook my head. "I've lost many people in this world. In my life. My parents. Friends. The people I took for granted. How much longer until it's my turn?"

I stayed quiet, just listening to the wind blow through the trees. The silence in the cemetery. The sound of Maxwell giggling and running over to me. He moved into my lap and hugged me tight. I gave him a small smile and kissed the top of his head.

"You're lucky you're too young to know what's going on. Daddy loves you so much. He always will." I whispered. I brushed my finger over the gravestone and just stayed silent. The rest of the evening was spent talking and crying, just hoping he was listening.

..

When I got home later that evening, I put Maxwell to bed and had a drink in the living room. Still in my black clothing, I held my head in my hands and cried. The pain was unbearable. The hurt. The grief. The whole damn thing. My world was one huge mess. Without Andrew to keep me from harming myself was a terrifying thought.

"Andrew you selfish bastard." I cried, throwing the class of vodka across the room. I watched it shatter into tiny pieces, staining the carpet. I sniffled, getting up and pouring myself another glass.

I was about to take a drink when I saw the envelope on the counter. The small blood stains faded from that night. I grabbed it and swallowed the lump in my throat. My finger brushed against the opening, slowly tearing it open. I bit my lip, pulling out the letter and the small set of....keys?

Lucy,
      Hopefully by the time I've given this to you, I'm in San Francisco. If not, this is an early Christmas gift. A few months ago when I was in London, I remember you mentioning your old home in Liverpool. I found the house and we'll, I bought it for you! I was thinking that maybe, we can move over there. I know it's a lot to ask but, once I save enough money, we can raise Maxwell together, maybe have another baby like you wanted and....start something new. I love you a hell of a lot Luce. I just want you to be happy. And, I'm happiest with you. Either way, the house is yours. Please think about it?
         Love, Andrew.

I was a mess by the time I finished reading it. My heart sank, my breathing erratic as I dropped to my knees on the hard floor. My stomach hurt from all the crying. I didn't care. I just wanted to see him one more time. I needed him so badly. To hold me, to kiss me, to make love to me once more. Andrew truly was my better half.

I got up off the floor, stripping out of my clothes as I made my way to the bathroom. I showered and got out, not even bothering to put on clothes as I laid in bed. I could still smell his scent on the pillows. On the bedsheets. I hugged the pillow he slept on and just breathed in and out, closing my eyes, wishing I was holding onto him instead.