𝖈𝖔𝖒𝖒𝖊𝖓𝖘𝖆𝖑𝖎𝖘𝖒 | d.f. |

🛠 grayson68 🛠

[ 1:02 PM ]

i watch soraya and apple interact with each other from the kitchen window.

the sun's out and high, shining beautifully.

damn. i missed new jersey.

i walk on to the patio, knocking on the door. their attention turns to me.

"hey ray, whenever you're finished, you think we can talk?" i ask.

"yeah, everything okay?"

"yeah!" i lie.

she frowns at my unconvincing tone.

"we'll just finish up and meet you inside."

"oh no! you don't-"

"we were finished. honestly," soraya smiles.

"okay, well, breakfast's made. not vegan this time," i smile.

"thank goodness!" soraya yells.

i chuckle and head back inside, waiting on the kitchen counter.

eventually apple and soraya come in.

"your plates at the table," i tell apple as she rushes into a seat.

"the energy and brain on that one," soraya chuckles. "what's up? what's going on?" she asks taking a seat on the island counter across from me.

"before, you asked me about being alone when we first met."

"yeah...?" she questions concerned, the blue mustache making me chuckle.

"i wasn't alone. i'm sorry, your mustache is making me laugh."

she looks down, crossing her eyes together.

"oh!" she hops down and goes to wet a paper towel. "you grabbed every family photo- i assume when you had us wait outside when we got here," she points out, wiping the painted mustache off.

"i didn't- i didn't want to keep seeing them," i tell her in truth as she sits back down on the island top.

"they're all gone?" she asks softly.

"every single one," i nod. "my dad. my mom. my older sister. even my twin brother."

"twin?" she questions back, that engaging her interest.

"his name was ethan," i nod. "we did everything together."

"if you don't mind me asking, what happened?"

i sigh heavily, preparing myself to get all of this out.

"my dad passed away from cancer a few years ago which i'm glad for."

"i'm so sorry."

"it's okay. you don't have to apologize. i just need to get this out." she nods, urging me to continue. "my mom, sister, ethan and i were on vacation in L-A when the virus broke out. my mom and sister went together the next day." tears brim my eyes. "ethan and i decided to take the van and live off the land because shit was drastically getting worse. we didn't want to be caught in some type of brawl with any kinds of people. i lost him on day three. i woke up to him-" tears fall into my lap as my vision blurs. the scenes of everyone dying one by one play over in a constant loop in my mind.

"i didn't know what else to do so i just... dumped-" i choke out, breaking down. these past seven days haven't been the slightest bit normal. "as if he was trash," i finish, shaking my head.

i'm so fucking stupid. i could've done so many things differently. soraya knows that. she knows that and she's judging me right now. i could've been a better brother.

"wait, grayson, you can't blame yourself for doing what you had to in that moment," soraya says, her words swirling in my head before being rejected.

"i could've gave him a proper burial or anything better than i did," i cry, feeling heavy and judged.

"you did what you thought you were supposed to do. what you did doesn't mean you love your brother any less. everything you did was out of love," she argues with me, her tone stentorian.

"he deserves to be here," i tell her matter of fact. "i miss him so much."

"but you're here gray."

"it's hard being me without them here," i spill out, tears never ending.

"but you don't get give up," she says, "let's not reverse roles here. you don't give up. you channel that energy and you continue to live. you continue to live for your family. you continue for ethan. just because they aren't physically here doesn't mean that they're gone. you said they're the reason that you're you. they've given all you need to keep going."

"i know. they've taught me all about compassion and the art of not giving a fuck. to just go with the flow and enjoy life for what it truly is."

"so why give up?" she asks, sliding off the countertop. "we're about to have a whole new world to ourselves. we get to start over. we get to set an example. we've got lots of work to do for the future; our future. and it will be great if you were there with me. i've never been hopeful about much but, gray, it'll be our world. we'll be able to shape it the way we want."

"our future is unknown," i groan.

"hasn't it always been?" she questions, and i look at her while she stares at me.

what she's saying isn't wrong. i just don't want to hear anything comforting right now.

i can't imagine a new world without my family.

i'm a hypocrite, i know.

"hey, oh-" we look toward the kitchen entrance seeing matt. "i uh, wanted to talk to ray. i rolled up. but if you two are having a moment, i can..."

soraya looks at me. i wipe my face as best as i can.

"no, yeah!" i clear my throat. "we should join. we can eat breakfast afterward. it's eggs, bacon and waffles."

"okay," soraya nods. "i enjoy a cold breakfast," she sarcastically grins.

"we can take a walk or sit on the patio," matt suggests.

"i vote patio," i say.

"apple, you going to be okay by yourself? we'll be right outside," soraya speaks up toward the young child.

"yeah! i'll be fine! still eating!"

we chuckle and step out.