Broken- Brittana

Realisation

Santana's POV:

Time moves differently when a part of you is missing. It is like everything has stopped, but then suddenly so much time has gone by. I don't know how long I was sitting there, it was now dark and there were few cars going by. It seemed strange compared to earlier when the sun was blinding and the traffic was crazy- the good thing about where B lives is that it is so close to school, but that then also means that everyone has to drive through her street to get to places. I just felt frozen, she's gone. I don't know how to go back from this- I don't know if we can. 

I hate this. I hate how I feel all of these feelings for her. I hate how nobody understands how much I love her, not even her. I hate how stupid I am for forcing this to happen. I hate how I still use that word when I know how much Brittany hates it, but it is the only word I can use to describe how I have been acting. I am a fucking idiot.

Of course I love her, I love her more than life itself. I love all the small things and how she can make me feel things that no guy- not even any girl- has ever made me feel. I love that she can always see past my bullshit and know when I need her. I love how, when I am in her embrace, I don't have a care in the world, she just makes me feel safe. She is the one thing that I need and I can't believe that I fucked it all up.

Still in some kind of daze, I slowly wiped away the tears that I hadn't realised were falling and made my way to Mercedes' house. I glanced at the clock slightly and saw that it was only 8.47pm, she would still be awake and her parents would be at work, thank god. As I pulled up outside her house I took a deep breath and just hoped that she would be ok with me showing up like this.

I got out of the car and gently knocked on her door. It took a while for her to open up, but when she did, she sensed that something was wrong and immediately took me in her arms and led me to her room. She didn't ask me what was wrong, she just held me, whispering that everything was going to be ok, while I silently cried.

As my crying stopped I sat up a little and saw her watching me. There was so much sympathy in her eyes, but I could tell that she also wanted to know what happened.

"She told me she liked me..." I started, my voice wavering slightly. Her eyes started to light up so I just shook my head gently. "She gave me a chance, my only chance, to tell her I liked her back, and I blew it. I couldn't . Sh-she said that if I like her then we can go as slow as I wanted, but if not then I had to stop sabotaging her relationships. I didn't want to Cedes, I didn't! I only want her to be h-happy. I never wanted to fuck things up with her and Artie. I tried convincing myself that if she was ok then I would be, but I couldn't let her be with that asshole!"

"What happened with Artie, San?" she asked cautiously. I wanted to laugh at how she was trying so hard to stop me from getting angry. But when I think of it she has every reason to not want me to flip out. I get mad and I say horrible things. I make people feel like shit. And why? Because I am insecure about how much of a fuck-up I am? Bullshit. 

I'm evil. I should never have darkened Britt's sunshine with all of my shit. I hate who I have become- who I am. I don't want to hurt her anymore than I already have, that's bad enough. I need to let her move on because I can't promise her that I won't hurt her again.

She doesn't deserve to hide with me, she should be open about who she is and who she loves, if I make her hide then she will end up resenting me. She will hate me. She doesn't deserve to be overshadowed by my darkness, she used to shine so bright, and now look at her. Her sparkle is gone, it kills me.

"H-he was saying really bad things about her, Cedes. If he is going to have her then he needs to treat her like the precious, perfect unicorn that she is. He needs to make her feel safe and loved if he is going to have her. She only deserves the best. I know that I messed up by getting Lima-Heightsy on him but....I don't know, there isn't any excuse. I don't know how I am going to deal with seeing her tomorrow. She thinks that I don't love her, but I do, oh god I do," I replied, realising that I had not answered yet.

"I know you do, San. I hate seeing you like this, but-" she paused, seemingly debating whether to continue. I nodded hesitantly, a bit worried about what she was going to say but I knew that it couldn't make me feel any worse. "but if you really want her to be happy then you really need to get your shit together. You know that she wants to be with you, and you and I both know that she will wait for you. So tell her how much you love her, be honest with her. Tell her that you're scared, that you don't know who you are and don't want to hurt her whilst you are figuring it out, but that she means everything to you. I know that this is tough, San, but if you don't start trying then you will lose her, and if that isn't what you want-"

"It isn't!"

"Then be more Brittany." she stated like it was the simplest thing in the world. And be more Brittany, what does that even mean? No one can be like Brittany, she is perfection and no one can even come close to that. Seeing that I didn't understand, she decided to say "Try and be nice to people, stand your ground without insulting everyone. Look forward to things. Try your hardest to accept others, and most importantly yourself. It is the only way to get rid of this anger that fuels all of your problems. I know it is easier said than done, but you have the most positive influence there for you. I know that you can do it, clearly so does she, so all you need now is to believe it yourself."

I sat there for a few minutes, taking in what she had said. She was right, when I am not attacking myself, I am attacking others and Brittany would never deliberately make anyone feel bad. How can someone like me have a chance with someone as perfect as her.

I nodded slightly and simply said "She makes me want to be better."

"Do you want to stay here tonight?" she asked, her voice still gentle and understanding.

"No, that's ok. Thank you, Cedes, I need to go fix this now before it's too late. I need to tell her that I want to fight for whatever we are. I need to show her how much I love her. You're right. Thank you. Thank you. Just...thank you." I said while embracing her in a hug. I needed to do this now.

"Anytime, San," she smiled, "good luck!" she called as I ran down the stairs. I smiled as I got into my car and drove off quickly.

I headed to Brittany's house, preparing what I was going to say. I needed to do this. I can do this- I mean I can't, but I will. I will do anything for Brittany. She makes anything possible. I'm going to tell her. This secret that I have been carrying ever since the first time that I met her is finally going to be revealed. I love her, and I will do anything for her. Today is the day that she finds out.

A/N: Ahhh, I'm so sorry!! I haven't updated in days! School is back and I haven't really had the motivation to write so I'm sorry! I will try to post as much as I can, I kinda know how I am going to do the next chapter so hopefully I will be able to write and publish tomorrow(?) But let's not get our hopes up...

Anyway, I hope that you are enjoying it so far, please comment so that I know which parts you like/ don't like.... Next time San and Britt will be together and Britt will finally find out how San feels...

Stay safe and I love you all :)