Peter Parker Oneshots and Drabbles

50. Gift Wars - Fluff Oneshot

Anonymous asked:

Could you write something about the reader getting Peter an inappropriate keychain that says; I love you for who you are, but that dick sure is a bonus? And he opens the present in front of may and she asks Peter what did he get?

Thank you for sending this in!! This request made me laugh so much, thank you again :) 

Peter Parker x Reader [Fluff/Funny]
Warnings: Swearing, sex joke
Word Count: 1.3k

When Peter got a gift from you, he was confused. It was a small box, and a note attached to it as well. You put a small winky face on the note, along with writing a sweet "Love ya! Happy Holidays!" on it. He grinned down to it though, happy that you got him a gift.

You both had an off and on prank war for gifts. It started out with Peter getting you a pair of stinky socks and the Bee movie soundtrack CD for your birthday. He remembers how confused you were as you held the disgusting socks in front of you with a disturbed look on your face.

Then, on his birthday, you gave him a large package, just filled with already popped bubble wrap and a melted candle with a picture of Bob Duncan. It made Peter laugh so much, he ended up crying. From then on, every gift was a joke.

Sure, sometimes you would gift him something sweet and so would he, but this was more memorable.

So, this year for the holidays, Peter was suspicious. It couldn't be so bad. After the gifts you got him for Halloween, it couldn't top it off at all. Right? He was seated next to Aunt May when he started to open it.

You weren't there at the moment, instead you were at the Compound, where Peter was going to meet you later.

Aunt May shuffled in her seat, looking at her phone instead of paying attention of what Peter was doing. He slowly opened the box, after tearing off the annoying tape on it.

Oh fuck.

No fucking way, he shook his head in surprise.

"What..." He muttered to himself, as he lifted to large keychain. It was so bizarre, he forgot how to breathe. It was a large oddly shaped dick with hearts along the balls. The tip of the keychain cock had been painted pink as well, and Peter finally busted into silent laughter, shaking.

He didn't even read what the other side of the keychain said! He turned it over, overly aware that Aunt May could look over to him. He couldn't let her see it. It was so bad; Peter wouldn't even know how to explain everything to her.

He cupped his hand over it as he read the words, "I love you for who you are, but that dick sure is a bonus." His jaw dropped in shock. His face turned a dark red as he tried to contain his laughter again, as he saw Aunt May glance at him through the corner of his eye.

"What's wrong?" She asked, unaware of what happened. She looked back at her phone again when it dinged with a message, and Peter's shoulders relaxed.

"Nothing!" He stammered loudly. You and Aunt May got along great! He couldn't ruin your relationship by showing what you got for him to Aunt May. That would just cause so much awkwardness between the three of you.

It wasn't like she didn't know that you two were having sex, but it still bugged Peter if he was in the room with you and Aunt May during a short steamy scene of a movie you were watching. Just like when Aunt May laughed to when Tony mentioned something about getting you and Peter the same room while on mission. It was just weird, and if Aunt May were to see this, it would be even more strange.

"You sure? What is it?" She hummed out, gazing back to Peter. He shrugged back, shaking his head repeatedly.

When Peter didn't answer, Aunt May glanced down to his hands, noticing he was holding something. "What is that? Is it the gift that Y/n gave you?" She asked.

"Oh yeah, uh, it is." Peter responded after a moment of trying to calm down. His nerves were all over the place. The gift was fucking funny, but Aunt May being there? No, it made everything unfunny and he was so close to blanking out and running out of the room.

"That was sweet of her to get you something early. What did she get you?" She stood up as she talked. Peter bit his lip in worry, trying to come up with something, but it was so hard.

Aunt May's eyes narrowed back to him, now knowing something was up. "What's going on?" She asked as she crossed her arms. Peter let out a laugh, slipping the keychain into his pocket, trying to keep it hidden.

"Well- uh, it's just, I'm- Y/n got me a ring to symbolize how long we've been together. And to be honest, I really wanted to get her a ring first. And this ring's the wrong size." Peter rambled; face still red as the lies poured out.

The closest thing to rings you both got each other, was the bracelet the two of you made together. You usually gave it to Peter when he'd go on missions, and he'd give it back to you when you had to leave for the solo ones as well.

"Excuse me? Y/n proposed to you? I need to see the ring!" Aunt May shrieked out loud, dropping her phone. Peter gurgled out a strange noise of confusion and bizarreness. Fuck, he did not mean that. Propose? Marriage?

Fuck no.

Not now at least.

"No! I don't want you to see it!" Peter yelped back, clamping down on his jean pocket, trying to protect it. He couldn't let Aunt May see this horrifying keychain. One being, she would be confused. Two, she would know Peter lied. Three, it's a fucking cock keychain.

"What, why?" She responded, thoroughly confused. Her excitement was dulled now, and Peter sighed, trying to find another lie. Fuck, he shouldn't have opened this near her.

"It's private. We didn't want people to know about it. There's a surprise party in a few weeks- uh, I think." He retorted, and in his surprise, she backed away.

"Oh... that's cute I guess." Aunt May spoke up, shrugging. Peter felt himself melt with guilt. How was he supposed to tell her that he wasn't actually engaged, and that you didn't propose. He didn't like lying to her either, it was just a whole mixture of guilty feelings. Last time he lied to her, he ended up telling her the next day.

He stood up, leaning down to pick her phone up. He didn't mean to look at it, but the messages were open. The brightness of the screen pulled his eyes to each text and he knitted his eyebrows together in odd confusion when he saw your name on the top. He scanned the texts in an instant.

You: What's going on now? Did he open it?

Aunt May: Yeah he just did. What did you get him? He's freaking out

You: Lmao a keychain from Vegas

"What? This was- you knew?!" Peter cried out in surprise, passing the phone to Aunt May. She instantly started laughing, bending down as Peter continued to freak out, shaking his head.

"How!" He continued, and she snorted, locking her phone and put it in her pocket. He didn't realize you would do something like that, and he had to admit that was funny. But it was also really embarrassing. He didn't want Aunt May to know what the keychain was.

"So, you know what it is?" He finally asked, groaning in awkwardness.

"No clue. But what is it?" Aunt May replied, humming in thought. She obviously knew it was a dumb gift, but Peter still didn't want to show her.

"Nothing!" He shouted, and finally ran to his room to get away from that embarrassing encounter. He shut his door with a sigh as he tugged his phone out of his pocket. The fact you did that made him want to cringe so bad, but he was happy Aunt May never found out what it was. And it was funny, he couldn't help but admit it.

But now, he had some planning to do to get you back, with the dumbest gift ever.