Let it burn

I Hope Your Miserable

Charlee's POV

I could see the brand new studio and it was bigger than my old one. It was a bit of a drive from mine but it was one of the best studios in California. I'd missed being in the studio and after everything that's happened it was nice for something new. Being an Aunty had been the biggest therapy for me. I was thankful for Ronnie and Sally. My body had been through a miscarriage and within a month of that a full term pregnancy. It was a lot to get used to and everything still was all over the place. From mood swings to random leaking I had delt with it all. How do women go back for multiple pregnancies when I was done after having just one kid? I really started to wonder women's sanity and their strength. Were we insane for pushing our bodies to these extremes or were we strong for being able to go through these extremes? Who knows. I pull into the service lane and got stuck behind someone. The car in front of me was driving so slow and it was bugging me. That too I'd noticed my patience was not how it was before. Over taking the car I slow down and grab the vacent car park under the shade. Sipping on the last of my red bull I apply some lip balm and get out of my car. The car I over took parks next to me and I realise it was Kellin. He gets out and lights up a cigarette.

"Fuck I thought Ronnie was joking at how slow you drive." I say and he sticks his finger up at me.

"Your a mom and drive like your fucking Vin Diesel back off with the judgement." He fights back playfully before offering me a cigarette. I take him up on the offer. Kellin was one of those friends who was the butt of the jokes. I loved to give him shit and he knew it was out of love. Besides he'd dish it out just as hard as I did which made our friendship so unique. He reminded me of Chelsea. Man I missed her. As we finish our smokes we go over the ideas around the song. It was weird writing with someone other than Andy, the environment was less tense we actually had fun while writing.

While we were on a break Kellin tells me of an idea he has for the music video. He said we could do it as the master or in the background of a lyric video version. I was interested in the idea of two videos but decided I'd do the lyric video. We brain storm the video concept and then we decide it'd be a spliced video between tour footage and in the studio footage. So we start calling people who would be able to help us achieve this crazy idea. 
Within an hour a friend of Kellin's gets here and sets up his equipment. We were in the booth singing our lines and when I opened my eyes I see Kellin was pulling funny faces. Pushing him he falls back and crashes on to the drum kit. We laugh and then get our shit together. The rest of our recording sessions would be filmed them spliced and time-lapse the footage.

We finish up for the day and head to our cars. Kellin turns his car radio on while we talked over a smoke. Mid sentence he hears my song I Hope Your Miserable Until Your Dead.

"I love this song. You never say what it's about though." He says and I laugh

"It's about the person who got me addicted to drugs. A haunting reminder that they are miserable and I hope they stay miserable until they die." I explain and he nods.

"Well kinda wish I didn't ask." He says and I laugh. Without that meaning it sounds like a typical break up song. Departing ways I head to Ronnie's to look after the kids while he took Sally out on a much over due date. I was happy for them and we had this family down pat now. It was still so weird to me that I pushed out a human. I'd silently had my highs and lows with Rory, I went from not wanting her, to wanting her then not all in the same day. I know she was loved and looked after but as I see Ronnie juggling two kids, writing and his band I felt like a sad sack of shit. As I feed Rory and look into her eyes I feel even worse about not stepping up for her. This was my baby and I shouldn't be in her life as an aunty, if I couldn't step up to be her mother. Willow comes over and kisses Rory's head. She was honestly the sweetest girl to gift this earth.