Deadland

Chapter 64- Shoulda', Woulda', Coulda' (Part 2)

(TW!! Mentions of self-harm, drug usage, and overdosing!!)

"NO!" Alyssa shrieks, running towards Beth.

I grab Alyssa and hold her back, her wails come out in screams as she stares at Beth's body. Her hands and body shake under my grasp as I hold her.

Daryl walks in front of us and aims his gun at Dawn as she says, "No, no I didn't mean-" Second gunshot, second body.

Every officer grabs their gun and everyone in my group behind Alyssa and I grabs their guns.

"BETH!" Alyssa wails, still weakly trying to fight me back.

Warm, salty tears blur my vision at the sight of Alyssa. I don't even think she was like this for Lori or Dad.

Her body finally gives out and she falls into my arms, screaming and bawling.

"Hold your fire!" Shepherd yells, putting her arms in front of her officers.

"It's over." She says. "It was just about her. Stand down." She orders her people. Hesitantly, they all lower their weapons.

I look at the blood spilling out of Beth's head and begin to cry, my lip quivering and my body shaking ever so slightly.

"You can stay." Shepherd offers.

"We're surviving here. It's better than out there." Another officer adds.

"Surviving my dick!" Alyssa screams. "Alyssa," I whisper shakily, still holding her through my tears.

Grief rings through my body as Beth's blood inches closer and closer to Alyssa and me, our bodies on the floor.

"No." Rick says, his voice quivering. "And I'm takin' anyone back there who wants to leave. If you want to come with us...just step forward now."

"No!" Alyssa screams. "They killed Beth! They killed Beth! They killed..." Her words are cut off with sobs and tears. She turns into my chest and hides her face, her tears staining my shirt.

When nobody steps forward, Daryl slowly walks over to Beth, scoops her up in her arms, and begins walking out of the room. His tears and silent cries are barely noticable.

"Alyssa," I whisper tearfully. I sniff and whisper again, "Alyssa. We have to go."

She whimpers, "No, no we can't! We haven't saved Beth yet! You promised we would save Beth." She sobs.

My breath shudders as I nod and whisper, "I know. I know." Since there's no way she's moving, I scoop her up in my arms and stand up, following behind the group.

When we're almost out of the door, she shoves off of me and begins walking on her own, still bawling.

We walk through the front doors and Eugene, Rosita, Abraham, Maggie, Glenn, and Tara.

When Maggie catches sight of Beth, she drops her shotgun and collapses to the floor, screaming and crying.

This causes Alyssa to cry even harder and she falls into me. I grab her from under the arms and hold her on the floor again, trying my best to comfort her.

Hearing Maggie's cries causes me to begin crying again, I squeeze Alyssa tighter as we both cry, her body wrapped in my arms.

Alyssa stands up and quickly shoves me off of her, "You promised! You fucking pinky promised!" She screams shoving me as I stand up.

"'Lyss-"

"No!" She yells, shoving me again. "You lie! You always lie! You tell me this shit and then don't follow through your promises! Self-harm, overdosing, drug using, not going out on another run, everything! You can never live up to your word! EVER!"

My lip quivers and I try to approach her but she shoves me back again, "It's your fault! You could have saved Beth! You could have killed Dawn yourself! It should've been you!" Alyssa screams.

My heart shatters. I begin crying as I take a step back, "You don't mean that."

"Beth followed through with promises! She didn't do shit like you to get her killed on purpose! But you do! You fucking do! You lie, and lie, and lie like a sick bastard!" I can hear so much pain in Alyssa's voice. Her eyes have lost color and her skin is paler than it normally is.

I know she's trying to find someone to blame, survivor's guilt, but I also know everything she's saying, she's been thinking for a long time.

I don't look at anybody though I know they're all watching this go down.

"It should've been you!" She screams. "You should have tried to kill Dawn! You could have been the one to get shot! You should have been the one to get shot since you can't go two years without trying to kill yourself!"

My body shakes with cries as Alyssa approaches me, her words stabbing me with every syllable.

"You don't deserve this! You don't deserve Damien! You don't deserve Daryl! And you sure as fuck don't deserve me! You pinky promised but just like everything else, you lied! You're just like Dad before Rick killed him!"

"'Lyss-" I'm desperately trying to get her to stop before she causes any more damage to me.

"Just like him! You don't care about anybody but yourself! You never have! It was always you, then Nick, then you again! You would have done this group a huge favor if you took Beth's fucking place! And you know it!"

Damien slowly walks up behind Alyssa and hugs her, trying to keep her from killing me even more.

She falls into his arms and cries out, "You should have died on the farm!"

By the time she falls into Damien's arms, crying, I'm bloodied, bruised, and cut from her words. My eyes are black, my lip is cut, my nose is broken, my lip is swollen, and bruises trail my face. I never knew words could hold so much power.

I stumble backwards, my tears haven't stopped though my face is emotionless, numb.

I just stand there, staring at her and Damien. Damien is looking at me with a sympathetic look and Alyssa refuses to even look in my direction. I know everyone is staring at us and I also know everything Alyssa says is true. 

I nod and whisper, "Yeah. I should have." 

I am a shit sister. I am a shit girlfriend. And I am a shit person.

(Summary:) Alyssa's grief causes her to scream at Adrian after they bring Beth's limp body outside.