Deadland

Chapter 65- Silence

(TW!! Mentions of self-harm, suicide, s/a, and drug usage!!)

My lips are swollen, tingely, and cut from chewing on them. I haven't spoken to anyone, not even when they've tried to talk to me. Damien and Michonne are the main people who keep trying to talk to me but I don't respond, I can't. 

I feel wrong, incredibly wrong. The feeling is back. The feeling that finally went away. 

Alyssa still hasn't spoken or talked to me, she just hangs around Inejra and Carl. I feel like everyone is mad at me though it could all be in my head. 

I've been wearing my jacket at all times again because I can't find a bandage to wrap my wrist up with. Everyone keeps asking why I'm wearing a jacket because it's hot as hell, but I don't respond. I've searched through my backpack so many times for some drug to take my mind off of everything but there's nothing there, not even weed. 

Alyssa's words ring in my mind over, and over, and over again. I can't get her angry eyes out of my brain, her cussing. Alyssa doesn't cuss, everybody knows that. 

I don't know what to do. Alyssa was the reason I pulled through on both of my overdoses, she's the reason I'm still alive. Though I think she just killed me more than I ever could've done. 

We're on our way to Virginia, we've been driving a few miles and Alyssa fully refused to get in the same car as me. She really is pissed at me. 

"You should have died on the farm!"

"...It should've been you!"

It really should've. 

Tyreese and Noah's conversation is tuned out, I'm sitting next to Damien and he keeps trying (and failing) to start a conversation. Rick, Michonne, and Glenn are all in the car as well.

"I saw Carl kiss Alyssa on the cheek." He smiles. "They're cute." 

I don't respond. I have this aching, shaky feeling in my heart that I can't get to go away. I feel guilty but I know I shouldn't be the one who feels guilty. Though I did pinky promise, so in Alyssa's defense, I did lie. 

I stare out of the window as greens and browns fly past like they're running from something. The soft rumble of the car is enough sound that I need to tune everyone out. 

 I'm twiddling with my fingers and bouncing my right leg up and down, anxiety has kept the hair on my neck standing since Beth died. 

I feel claustrophobic in this car, I feel like it's slowly closing in on me the further we drive. My breath feels short and the air around me feels hot and stuffy.

Suddenly, Tyreese pulls the car into the woods and parks it. Damien leans over as he unbuckles his seatbelt with a click. "We're walking the rest of the way." He recalls. 

I don't give any acknowledgment other than unbuckling my seatbelt and climbing out of the car. 

The dead leaves under my feet crunch and the living leaves above my head rustle with each small wind blow. I look around and see two crashed cars right next to us, camouflaging us. 

"This is good." Rick queries, looking around as he walks out of the car. "Through the trees it might just look like part of the wreck." 

"It's this way." Noah says, throwing his thumb over his shoulder. 

What if Alyssa never makes it to where we are? Our last conversation would be a fight. 

I let out a shaky breath and have to hold back tears to keep them from blurring my vision. My lip quivers and without warning, turns into a full frown as I'm trying to hold back my tears.