BULLIED 2

Submission 1121

Hii...

I am a 15 year old girl, struggling with anxiety due to bullying. I grew up in a large family. I have 4 brothers and a sister, two loving parents who will do everything for their children. My life hasn't been easy but I don't like talking about it because I don't want to get called an attention seeker. The bullying started when I was three, and I know you might think that is young and innocent. I knew it wasn't. I got hit everyday and had bruises all over my body. My hair got pulled out and I had to go to a different school because the teachers couldn't handle him. Most people would tell me to just forget, but how do you do that? I would love to just forget but I can't. Or that it's to long ago to matter. It was normal for 2 years, teasing and pushing still happened just not as terrible as before. In the summer of 2006 I moved to a new town, new neighborhood and new people. I didn't know anyone there. I soon became friends with this girl, I thought I could trust her. After 3 months all my secrets were spread around school. Everyone thought I was a weirdo. Boys started treating me like a piece of garbage or a toy. I had 2 friends who stayed my friends around that time. Although I often got told by the other kids in my class they were faking it. So I started believing them and started getting suspicious of them. I lost everything in that moment. My friends, my trust and my confidence. I got scared of playing outside, going to the store or just walking to the car. Every move I made, I felt like everyone was secretly judging me. Due to the extreme amount of hate I got in that period of my life, I changed schools again. A fresh start was what everyone at home told me. So with my head held high I went to school and the first week was okay. But then it started again. I made a friend and she was friends with this other girl. The other girl got mad at me and started bullying me because I supposedly stole her best friend. Her mom worked at that school and that made everything even worse. Whenever they asked me at home why I was so quiet I would tell them I was fine and just a little bit tired. In that year I lied so much to my family. Telling them I had an awesome day and I was just tired because we had an activity that day. Soon my mom grew suspicious and found out when she found me crying. I told her everything that very moment. I remember her asking why I didn't tell anyone and my answer was I was scared no one would believe me. She just hugged me and said that she was always going to be there for me no matter what. She made sure the bullying stopped by telling every teacher and telling the girl's mother. We also had a class discussion about it and finally there was a little light in my life after 4 years of non stop bullying. Until last year I struggled with my appearance and weight. It got to a point where I hated they person I had become. Every time I would look in the mirror I would see someone who wasn't me. I changed back to my old self. But there is one thing I still struggle with and that is anxiety. It has calmed down over the years but there are nights where I just get anxiety attacks. I can just out of the blue get very worried about everything, and I mean seriously everything. I will also get very very scared of everyone leaving me or failing everyone I care about. I want to cry so bad but I can't. I often get called a heartless person and it kills me. I do feel love and I do feel pain and stuff like that. I just can't express it. It kills me from the inside and I am on my journey to find my true self. Someone I love and someone who trusts herself. I know the road is bumpy and I will get my feet pulled out from underneath of me but I have to keep going and I can't stop. I may not have scars on my body but I do have them in my heart. Some of my friends just don't understand why I am like this. A very closed off person and not letting anyone in. All I can say is that anyone being bullied. Just love you for being you! I made the mistake of changing everything about myself. I hated that part of me. In the end there is only one you! I also am very grateful for having a mom like mine. In her life she has had to deal with so much. A divorce, loosing a parent, struggles with her health and loosing one of her little girls. I have always admired her strength because even though all those things happened, she always made sure we had everything we needed. Though I still get called ugly and stupid, I try my best to not listen anymore because breaking myself isn't going to help. I do care but just not as much as before. Anyway where ever you live and no matter who you are, know that there is always someone that truly cares. And loves you for being yourself.

...Love, me...