I smoked with a nice cup of vodka in a mug so it wasn't as noticeable, looking out the window to the backyard, god would you look at that? She was walking with my mom, so naturally talking to her and smiling, my mom smiled. She's good with my family...that's it, she's utter perfection.
She walked beside my mother linking arms, my mom smiled...which made me smile. Darcellyn wore a white cream colored dress that had some sort of floral print on it, her hair in a braid, Darcellyn smiled and laughed, I couldn't hear them through the glass but I felt like I was able to hear her laugh. Her thumb lightly brushed against her lips as she nodded and smiled, I exhaled and took a gulp, I put a little too much cranberry in here. My mom wouldn't stop laughing too, which was refreshing to see, leave it to sweet Darcellyn to spread sunshine down on everyone. My brother sat next to me, Her eyes had fluttered up to me through the window, our eyes met I smirked so did she for a split second before looking down diverting her attention back to my mother.
.....
***DARCIE***
"I've talk to him on the phone a few times...I was so worried about him going to LA on his own like that" she said, I smiled at the woman...she was soft and sweet but strong and firm...I would love to be like Duff's mother. "plus he's my youngest son!" she exaggerated, I smiled. "I'll show you his baby pictures later..." she smiled, I laughed..."please do" she clings a little tighter "oh dear, you don't know how happy I am to meet you" she said "Micheal mentions you all the time when were on the phone, " she said, I smiled my cheeks grew a little blush "don't tell him I told you this but...he really softens up when he talks about you" she said, oh my...I don't even know how to respond. Duffles extra soft...with me? even when he's with other people?
"it's been rough for our family..."
"When Duff was younger and his siblings were growing up, his father was cheating on me...it hurt yeah, but you know it hurts the kids even more, especially a little boy like Duff...finding himself confused as to who to look up to. He's always pushed himself on that, on how to be a man...because of his fathers absence and anxiety issues I guess he found himself a bit stranded with that aspect. But I always knew as big of a rockstar he would get he would always know how to treat a girl..."she smiled and looked up at me "he was always sweet at home and with me, because of things that had happened and because of his paranoia and anxiety, he gets reckless with this life...when he was a kid and even now he's got so much pent up anger that he take out on himself...he hasn't talk to his father in years though I keep telling him he should...I assume it's too painful...sweet boy" she says as I look up at the window, Duff with his what seems to always be a stoic expression, smoking a cigarette as he fiddles around with the mug handle, looking intently, thinking about whatever is swirling around in that head of his...god I would trade so fucking much to get the pain out his head. "and I know what your thinking..."she continued, I looked at her, she's reading my mind...shit no she's reading my fucking eyes. "your doing your job Darcellyn" she smiled, I smile.
--
We spent some more time in the house, while taking a final glance at the house while saying our goodbyes near the doorway, I kept getting flash images of what Duff would have seen, Duff's life. It was just a feeling, or just pure imagination of stories I had heard. I could imagine it...see it.
A small little Duff running down the stairs to his crying mother....
In his room...crying....screaming...trashing his room just too do something...smoking just to feel something...
I came back to reality, Alice gave me a nod and a warm smile, I did it back. As Duff held my hand and we said one more goodbye as we walked to the car, I stopped in front of it, he was about to walk away but I clung onto his arm. He looked back at me "what's up babe?" he said, I somehow pulled the tall strong man toward me, I held his arm. I looked into his eyes..I saw the little boy's eyes...I bit my lip...god take his pain away. I tip toe and kiss him, my hand caresses the side of his face as he kisses back his hands grip at my waist, our lips part, I raise my hand back to his face, our eyes twist and swirl looking at each other, I smile. "I don't know what fucked up shit my mom told you, but I love you Darcellyn Lee". He leans into my hand and give it a soft kiss "I love you too much Mckagan" I say, we both smile and giggle. "now come on I'm taking you to the city" he smiled
--
God Seattle was beautiful...I feel like I'm falling for Seattle. Duff says he hated this place and left it behind but he seems to naturally happy here. Maybe that's why I'm falling in love with it... It was getting dark, it got dark quicker here. Duff said he was taking me to, Gasworks park? I think. we heard crickets and what not all over the park, it was a big park man even thought it was dark I could see it was big, fucking Woodstock could have been held here, as we walked, I saw lights reflecting from the water, I got a full view of a Seattle Skyline, holy shit...it's wow. The water looked like it was sparkling, I looked at Duff, he smiled and let go of my hand. I ran quickly to the top of this grassy hill, the wind blew my through my hair as I went higher, I saw the buildings high and tall, beautifully lit as if they were a Christmas trees, the light reflecting on the water as is slowly rippled. Jesus fuck...it's beautiful. I let out a breathy sigh in a laugh, it's an overwhelming sight. I thought New York looked beautiful but this was...it was like watching the world, one lit up strip, it felt as if I was watching a whole other world on the other side, as an outsider just watching...and it was just...
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beautiful....
I felt a pair of arms around my waist, his blonde hair peeps into my view as he rests his chin on my shoulder...a whole lot more beautiful. I felt like I couldn't wipe a smile off my face...this place...everything about this place how it looks, how it feels, stories I've heard that started here. Duff's. even Nikki's.
We sat down on top of the hill looking out, he held me close as the night glistened, "I've never seen Seattle so colorful before" he said, I chuckled. "I don't think I've ever seen the world so colorful before" I smiled. "you said you hated it here" I said.
"yeah" he said as he played with my hands "doesn't hold the best memories but I still have a soft spot for it" he shrugged, "I mean it was so heroin infested by the time I left, I don't know. it was hard to see it as a place to call home"
"Duff?"
"hm?"
"can I ask you something?"
"yeah?"
"when was your first expirence with drugs?" he looked down for a minute and looked at me and moved in closer "pot. fourth grade, First drink fifth. acid...sixth grade coke in seventh...and whatever subcategories there are..." he said. Drugs were considered pretty normal in this industry whether you were an actress, rockstar, director, model...whatever, but I could tell as normal as drugs were made to be normal in my head and even Duff's head...it wasn't. Seeing his re-count of his drug use...he had realized something. He stared blankly, his eyes quickly looked up at me as I cocked my head trying to read what was going on. His eyes turned soft and doughy apologetic almost. I wanted to pout my lip in a little frown for the little puppy, I wish I was some sort of 'out of this world' goddess to wash away every bit of damage and hurt he feels, though his apologetic eyes were puzzling I let it go as I put my head on his shoulder and held his hand, I looked down at my swatch, and took it off and held it out for Duff and I to see "one minute" I smiled as we kept looked down, we started counting down "9,8,7,6,5,4,3..." our eyes dragged off the swatch and to each other we smiled "2,1" we leaned in his hands on my face mine on his as we kissed. boom fireworks. perfect. We looked forward at the skyline ahead of us the fireworks emerging and popping out our building and blending into the night sky, we smiled and laughed. I stood up as my dress swung a bit, Duff stood beside me. "what are your New Years resolutions Micheal?" I smile looking up at him, he chuckles "you"he says, I shake my head and laugh as he picks me up I yelp as he spins me around.
