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Hi, my name is Amillion Walker, and today you're getting introduced to my days of depression.
they are always unexpected. And they hit me like a 18 wheeler. Sometimes it's even hard for me to get out of bed. I definitely know that it comes from me burying my emotions. This can last for a few hours to a week until I acknowledge all my problems and come up with a strategy to fix them.
we have been home for two days, I have been like this for a day now. I just don't know why I feel like this right now which means it's not going to end soon.
"You still feel sad?" Macy walked into my room and climbed in the bed with me.
I shrugged.
"I am sleepy." She hugged me and I sighed and hugged her back.
It felt good to have her here with me. She's always here. Just knowing that she's right here or if she's somewhere in the house and whenever I need her she's going to come, we have always been like this and this is why I value her above anybody in my life. She has been here through everything. it makes me sad to know that one day she's going to start her own family and she may leave me.
I don't know what I would do without her. She is such a big part of my life.
"What are you thinking about?"
" How our life is going to change when we get older."
"What do you mean?"
" when we get older, I know someday you are going to get married and or have kids. We are not going to be able to be around each other, you might move across the world. You always said you wanted to move to Canada once you get married. It seems like the older we get the closer it gets. Life is going to change so much for me... for us. Knowing me I'll probably never get married let alone have kids." She sighed and rubbed my back. " I don't know. I feel like the guys that I choose aren't the best. I mean Josh is amazing, but let's be honest he is stable and he is older, he's going to get tired of me one day. He's used to certain things that I haven't been able to achieve yet. And even if we do try, I don't think we're going to make it to far. Plus facing the critiquing of other people. This quote unquote friendship is only gonna last for so long, I mean look at Kaleb, I haven't talk to him in about six months. That was the one person that I was in love with, and I had no problem admitting that. I still sabotaged myself. I always thought that we would have a friendship, but even friendships die off. Maybe we weren't friends and he was just sticking around waiting for the moment where I was ready to commit to him. The way I felt about him no man could ever take me away from him, he would always be someone very important to me in my life. I would leave any men who had a problem with our friendship. That's just how I felt about him and for the second time it's confirmed that he doesn't feel the same way. Our friendship was the turn of me and Antwan's relationship, I rather Antwan had been insecure than let Kaleb go. Antwan kept pleading with me about it and he told me if I didn't respect him and his wishes he was going to go find somebody that would and that's exactly what he did and that's how everything got started. I just feel like I missed out on a lot of shit because of my attachment to Kaleb. It's not his fault because I never told him this. I just thought he would know that. Just by the way, I acted toward him and how I always protected him and how I always let him know that he came before anybody. I always reassured him. So I thought we had that understanding and then when we stop speaking in college, it broke my heart, and I also feel like that turn off the switch of the possibility of us being an actual couple anytime soon because I felt like he could throw me to the side at any second. I felt like he didn't value me as much is a valued him. How could you just not speak to me for months, I couldn't go a day without thinking about you. I was forced to be OK with him not being in my life and that is why I am more content this time because I expected it. The first time I would call him 1 million times and he got to the point where he blocked me. So I even found myself building a wall against him. Now look at us back in this situation and it's the same outcome. I feel like all of it is my fault, I know all of it is my fault."
