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"I am serious Mommy." I wiped my face and the tears rolled down her face.
"Okay, I really want to fix this. I do not want to lose my daughter." She nodded.
" I feel like the fact that she couldn't love me the way that I need it to be love made me get used to being disappointed. Now I sign fucked up contracts for myself when dealing with people. I feel like she-like I mentioned before, set the foundation for the people that I have around me, and how they treat me. I don't even know how I want to be loved anymore, I don't even know what I need from people. She made me lose sight of my needs in my wants, I don't even know who I am anymore, because I always had to accommodate and take the short end of the stick. Growing up, I was her invisible child, and it was because I was fat. She can sit here and say that it wasn't, but she doesn't treat any of my other siblings like this, even the son, that somewhere sprung out on drugs right now, taking money and doesn't even care about speaking to the family, she acts like he's the fucking king of the world. She speak to him every three years and she always makes it seem like it's such a big thing when it comes to him. Whenever he calls, she hast to drop everything and accept the call because it's such an honor to speak to him even though he adds nothing to our life. And most of the time when he is calling it is because he needs daddy to transfer more money into his bank account, and then he goes missing again and comes back once he smokes all of the money. She gives this at least $1 million every three years but he still lives in a rinky-dink section 8 house with his bum ass baby mom on food stamps. I see him on Facebook all the time asking do anybody wanna buy food stamps, what is he doing with his money and why does she keep enabling his habits. But I make one mistake it is the end of the world. I did something that none of her other kids did. I went to college, and I made something out of myself because I wasn't sure if I was going to have the advantage of being taken care of or I didn't know if my needs were going to get met or if they were even important enough to be considered. I always felt like I wasn't important in this family. Then when I bring it up, she always said it's because I didn't ask, nobody else asks why do I have to ask. I get that that may be ridiculous to expect her to know, but she knows when everybody else needs help, most of the time they don't even get to the point where they need help because it's always a constant flow. She doesn't make anybody else feel less than or feel horrible because they need help but me." I avoided looking at my mom.
" What do you have to say to that?"
" I can acknowledge the fact that I view her differently from all my other kids. I just see her as very independent. She always did everything on her own."
" because you made me feel like I had to. I didn't want to, I wanted to enjoy life just like the rest of the kids. I wanted a easy life just like the rest of you. You made me feel like I wasn't worthy of that. I was scared to ask you for anything because of the way that you make me feel when I ask for small shit. You were my last resort and unfortunately dad fell into that category as well. Even with him, when I looked for him to protect me, or stand up for me against her, he never did. He would watch her destroy me and wait till I break down and I hit rock bottom and then want to come and tell me that he doesn't agree. Why didn't you stick up for me if you didn't agree. I felt like he did agree with what she said, or he did feel like there was some truth to it. Then when you go outside and everybody is just confirming what you hear at home then you start to believe it. She has to be telling the truth, right? That's how I felt. she didn't give me the same love and reassurance that she gave everybody else. I always felt like I was walking on nails with her. I felt unsafe, and I felt unprotected and I felt unloved, and I felt I unwanted. I felt like I wasn't worthy of what the other kids got because I was fat and I was ugly and I was dark. Which is ridiculous because all of her kids are dark skinned, but I think the fact that I was fat just made it 1 million times worse. She felt the need to point out that I was dark and fat, and a way to let me know that I need to pick a struggle. Because I can't be both."
