Survive ( twd carlgrimes)

Chapter 22

MADISON'S POV.

After a few long moments of numbness I finally started to process what just happened and emotions that I never felt before bubble inside me like red-hot,  burning lava. The strange feelings started in my stomach, hot and fiery and uncontrollable as it crawled it's way upwards, into my chest, making it hard to breathe and finally to my lips, where I began to fire verbal abuse at my mother.

For the past eight years i've been dreaming of getting out of those traincarts, hoping that whatever was outside would be worth the unexplained pain and lost time. To be free again.

But now, everything's different.
I was wrong.
I'm not free.
I've never felt more trapped in my whole life. I thought the answers I've been craving for so long would bring comfort, would bring reason and closure.
But they don't. It was just a mistake, an accident that our whole family had to pay the price for.

How different would our lives have been had she just stayed home that night?
Ben would be alive.
Abbie would have happy memories of the childhood she was robbed of.
Nick would've blossomed into a normal teenager instead of this total mute. He would be more of a brother to us than just another surviver in a small group.

I would've been different too, I know it. I wouldn't be covered in scars from head to toe. I would've grown up with all of my siblings, happily. I would've gotten old enough to get a real job to help my family. I would've got to make friends, finish school, learn to drive a car, maybe travel a little bit. Instead all I've seen for the past eight years were the four corners of a dark train cart.

"Sweethear.... Madison? I'm so, so sorry. I know that words can't help what i've done, but I don't know what else I can say or do. Are you mad?"

"Am I mad? AM I MAD? Are you fucking joking?" I shout. My hands shake so hard I wonder if the towel I'm still clinging to will even stay secure around my body. I should be freezing here, standing with nothing but the towel on but my burning rage keeps me warm, too warm, uncomfortable even.

"We have spent years of our lives trapped in a train-cart, because of you. I had to raise my baby sister because you were off being the worlds dumbest prostitute, I mean, you couldn't even do that right!"

"We were starved because of you. My brother was killed because of you. We were tortured because of you. Our dad left because of you and because he left, he died because of you. We weren't even that desperate, that you had to go off."

"Ben and Nick were doing just fine getting money on their own. We didn't need you. We never did. We'd probably be better off without you. Our family has been shattered because of you! All I have left is Nick and Abbie." I spit, breathlessly, ignoring her many attempts to defend herself during my rant.

"I...I'm sorry, Maddie. I... You still have me." Her voice is barely audible.
"No, I don't! I lost you long ago! Good fucking riddance too." I tell her.
"You don't mean that. You're angry. You always say things you don't mean when you're angry. You're just like your father."  She clips back.
I turn away from her and close my eyes.

Breathe in and out Madison.
Count to ten!
CALM DOWN!

The truth is, I feel like a ticking time bomb and I'm about to explode. I will destroy anything in my path and I know who my first target will be. I grit my teeth and squeeze my fists tighter to stop them shaking.

I turn calmly and grab the clothes off the bed.
I resist the urge to look away from her and instead I force my eyes onto hers. My voice comes out so cold and chilling that even I feel a shiver run down my spine.
"I meant every word. I hate you and I want nothing to do with you."