Survive ( twd carlgrimes)

chapter 116

I wake in the same room as last night by the sun shining through the windows. At first waking up was almost blissful until the events of last night crashed back to mind. I feel a heavy weight in my chest and my stomach feels like it's only holding acid, ready to burn through me. But I've cried all the tears I had left last night. I think back to the fight and the tears that came after.

The horrible gasping for breaths between sobs that escaped me last night after he left only to be caught by Maggie. I feel my skin crackle red with embarrassment as I turn over to find Maggie asleep next to me. She never left me. I try to shake away the memories of last night but they're burned into my head with no signs of disappearing.

Flashback.

I look up when I hear the door opening. I rush to wipe away the tears soaking my face but it's no use, they're only replaced by more. When I don't hear the door close I give up and look to see who's standing in the doorway. Maggie stares back at me in shock. Her mouth hangs open, at a loss for words as she takes in my appearance. I must look insane.

"I'd tell you to leave me be if I thought you'd actually listen." I whisper.
"But I wouldn't."
I nod. "I know."
She closes the door but makes no further movement.
"Madison, what happened?"

Her simple question brought on a whole new round of tears that I didn't know I had left.
A pathetic sob shakes my body and I wrap my arms around myself, trying to keep me still.
I shake my head, unable to find my words.

"Mads, please stop pushing away. It gets you nowhere."
"It's n,not that. I just can't t,talk." I stutter.
She nods and pulls me in close and I let her.

Somehow, not looking her in the eyes makes it easier to speak.
"I'm sorry I've been such a shit friend. And that I made shit of our chances here. I didn't mean to... I just can't get my shit together. I'm-"
"In pain." Maggie finishes.
"I was going to say a wreck."

I feel make move and I assume she's shaking her head. "We've all been there Mads. We've all lost someone. We deal with it in our own way. Who are we to judge how someone moves on?"
I nod, understanding.
"Thank you."

It's quiet for a moment and I concentrate on reigning in the tears while Maggie plays with my hair. Her fingers brush slowly through it and I find myself matching my breathing to her movements. At first it was comforting but too quickly it was ruined by the memory of Abbie and how she used to braid my hair. She loved it. I loved it.

It's impossible not to see her in everything.
"How can somebody be everywhere and nowhere all at the same time?" I whisper but my voice cracks and I wonder if she's heard me at all.
"I don't know." She whispers back.

"It's not just her, is it?" Maggie finally asks.
I shake my head. "It's Ben, mom, dad... too much shot has happened. I don't think my brain can process it all."
"It's too much. It would be too much for anyone, no less a teenager." She assures.
"I'm not sure what to do."
"You need to let them go. Not completely but you do have to figure your shit out. You can't go about your life seeing dead people."

I flinch and she apologizes with a shrug.
"I seen Luke leave before I came in here. He looked... upset."
I scoff.
"Did something happen?"
I pull away from her, letting her hand slip away from my hair and I breathe a sigh of relief.
"Not really." I lie.
"Well that's a load of shit because I could hear you two shouting from the bathroom."
"Sorry."

"What did you hear?"
"Nothing. I couldn't make out what you were saying but I knew you weren't happy. Honestly, if I'd known it was Luke in there I probably would've come in a lot sooner, considering your little altercation earlier."
"Believe me, be glad you didn't." I murmur.