Survive ( twd carlgrimes)

Chapter 31

MADISON'S POV.

My anger diffuses only slightly when I hear somebody murmuring in the kitchen, interruption the silence slightly. I can't pick up what they are saying but i've heard both Nick and my name being mentioned.

In the corner of the room Judith is still asleep. Rick keeps going over to her crib to check on her every ten minutes, as if he expects her to magically disappear any minute.

I think if Abbie upstairs, who only moments ago was also fast asleep, completely unaware of the tension down here and about what happened outside. I'm surprised she hasn't come down yet, demanding to know what happened. Maybe she fell back asleep.

I wonder how to tell her. Nick seen everything. It makes it easier on me. I don't have to tell him. That sounds awful, I know. But if I have to watch him cry once more, I really will throw myself out the window.

I don't want to tell her, but obviously I have to and I will, but first if she really has fallen back asleep then I'll let her sleep in peace, giving her one last night to remember the feeling of safety.

The emptiness in my chest wont go away. It's heavy and it feels like it's crushing all my vital organs. I shake my head and try to concentrate on something else. I crane my head to hear more of the conversation in the kitchen but the voices have disappeared.

My anger fuels again.
"Why is everyone so quiet?" I say through my teeth.
Every head turns to me so I know they've heard me but nobody responds. Are they doing it on purpose?

I need to distract myself before I self destruct. I need noise, I need the pictures in my head to vanish. I need to not think.
I stand to my feet, unsure of what to do. I grab my bow again and watch as Daryl stands to his feet too.
I sigh and drop my bow on the couch.

Clearly, the trust between him and I is very thin. I'm not sure if it's because he doesn't like me and thinks I'm up to something, like Rick thinks or like everyone else thinks, I've gone mad because of my mother's death.

I'm absolutely fine. I don't want the cautions movements. I don't want the sympathy stares. I just want to hear something other than silence. Something above the fireplace catches my eye.

I walk up to the mantle piece above the fire and pick up a small diamond frame, holding a picture of my mother and father on their wedding day. I examine it for a few seconds before firing it across the room. The glass shatters ricochets off the wall, glittering the floor. It hits off another frame and it falls to the ground too with another ear splitting crash.

Judith stirs in her sleep and then wakes up with a howling cry.
Yes ! This is exactly what I need.
Rick picks her up from her crib and carries her out of the room but her shrieks still travel to my ears.

I find a few more pictures of our family and our grandparents. I hadn't given much thought to them honestly. I just presumed that they were dead. I chuck their pictures at the wall too.

"Madison!" Nick shouts.
"What?" I snap back.
"Stop!"
I reach for the rack of dvd's next and spill them harshly on the ground and step on them while ripping all the wires out of the back of the tv. A set of hands link around my waist, trying to pull me back. I turn to see Rick and I huff loudly. Why is he always in my way?
I shove him away he doesn't budge, not even a bit.

I twist around anyway and there's nothing he can do while I pull the tv off the stand. I lift it as far as I can above my head before smashing it on the ground.
Rick's grip tightens and he rips me away from the chaos I've created.
"Cut it out! We get it, okay? We've all been through it and we all need a distraction but there's a time and place for that shit and it's not now!" He yells.

I knock his hands away from me but take my seat back on the couch. I fold my arms and glare at the unlit fireplace again. My head has been empty for the past few minutes but now the pain in my chest is coming back again
WHY CAN'T IT JUST GO AWAY !

I feel tears glistening in my eyes, threatening to spill over. My eyes burn and I concentrate hard on keeping the tears back. I've shed too many tears tonight. I've acted on pure emotion and I hate that I've let people see that. I try to control myself.

I hear a small tired voice come from the door
"What's going on? Maddie, what's wrong?" Her voice has a threatened edge to it. She already knows that something isn't right. Her eyes fill with tears as she takes in the mess around me. For so long in those carts I've kept it together for her. She's my main priority but maybe I've kept it too much together because now she looks at me just the same as most of these strangers. Like I'm about to explode.

How can I tell her?
I couldn't possibly share this pain with her when I feel it cripple me.  She's so small I don't know how she'll handle it. In many ways she's so unlike me. She is patient and selfless and full of compassion, incapable of hate, so she stood by our mother even if she didn't deserve it at times.

She'll take this the hardest. I know this for sure.
Abbie is my my rock though and if she splits, i'll crumble with her.