Survive ( twd carlgrimes)

Chapter 23

MADISON'S POV.

I lock the bathroom door behind me and walk over to the mirror above the sink.
God, I look a mess!
I grab a brush from under the sink cabinet and drag it through my hair again, fighting against the knots. In my head I rehearse exactly how to tell Nick about mom.

How do I tell him calmly?
How do I not get mad?
How do I explain it to him?

I shake my head and drop the brush in the sink. I'm exhausted, I just want to go to bed, to escape the rest of the day. I shouldn't have to be the one to tell Nick, but I know mom won't.

I think about what I said to her before I left her alone in her room. Even after all she's put us through I feel a twinge if guilt settle in uncomfortably in my chest. I want it gone. I don't like the power she has over me, just because we share the same blood. Even though I told her that I hated her, I'm not exactly sure that's true. I don't know how I feel towards her. She's my mom.

"UGH!" I slam my palms against the sink, making a sharp slapping sound. I twist the tap and bend to splash cold water on my face. It relaxes me slightly.

I look around the now messy bathroom. The tiles in the floor are covered by wet towels and the walls are splattered from the shower water. The window is foggy from the stream and I'm guessing the mirror was too but someone wiped away the condensation before me because I can see fingerprints against the glass.

"Do it quickly Madison, like ripping off a band-aid." I sigh.
I force my legs to move as I unlock the door. Slowly, I make my way to Nicks room. He must be in there. I stand outside his door like an idiot for ages.

I knock three times on his door before I t opens.
"Hey Mads. You okay?" 
"Can we talk please."
"Umm, sure." He seems surprised.
He opens the door further and I walk past him, into his freakishly organized room.

I sit on his bed and he stares at me with confusion.
"What are you doing, Mads? I'm tired, I just want to go to bed."
"Me too Nick, it's been a very long day."
"How so?" He asks

I hesitate, not really sure how to explain this as gently as I can but either way the news hits you like a slap to the face. So I decide on explaining the story exactly like mother told it to me. I tell him everything and I watch awkwardly as his face freezes and then drops and his shoulders sag.

He stops me numerous times to ask questions or to come up with an excuse or an alternative reason. Anything to escape the sting of betrayal, of hatred.
"No, Nick. She told me exactly what happened. It was just a stupid mistake."

Anger washes over his face as I continue the sorry and he doesn't interrupt anymore. Instead, he sits on the bed beside me with his head in his hands. His shoulders are shaking and theres only one meaning for that. I'm really bad in these kind of situations. I don't know how to comfort him. I don't want to comfort him. I want to dash from the room or jump out the window, anything to escape this awkwardness.

Selfishly, I decide not to comfort him. I let him react how he wants.
I don't speak a word.
I secretly wonder if this is how he'll react, just sitting down and crying it out or will he be angry, Will he find reason?

He had said earlier that maybe it wasn't mother's fault. She was attacked after all. Which is true, I'd never thought about that much, I was just caught up in the moment. So angry that just an accident led to tears of torment.

In that moment I decided that I'd apologize to my mother, only for the words I said to her. I can't hate her for killing that man, it wasn't her intention. It was self defense gone wrong.

That doesn't mean she's not a cruel person. She didn't tell us that this happened, that she was the reason for all of this. She's a terrible mother and I can't forgive her but I can understand just this one detail that Nick pointed out.
She didn't mean to kill him.
How could she have known?

I look away from Nick who still sits next to me. We stay like this for a while and I think about leaving the room so many times, but couldn't bring myself to do it.

Suddenly, he lifts his head, he's not crying anymore. When I look at his face its as cold as ice and hard like a mask. I've never seen him like this before. He's such an emotional mute. Even I had angry fits of rage through the years but he's always been as quiet as a mouse.

I have never seen this before, not even when Ben was killed. Nick stands to his feet and paces around the room quickly. I jump at a sudden noise, so loud I wanted to cover my ears. When I look up I find Nicks arm shoved straight through the plastered wall.

He doesn't even flinch he just moves on to the next thing in his way. He throws his bedside lamp onto the ground and shoves the books off his book shelf.
He goes over to where he had a video game collection and he opens one up and takes the disc in his hands and smashes it, he splits the next one in two.

"I don't need these anymore, I can't even play them. And even if I could, I wouldn't, because it was always me and Ben who played them. SHE'S THE REASON WE WERE THERE! SHE'S THE REASON HE'S DEAD! I hate her! I hate her, Mads!."
"I know" I respond, too dumbstruck to correct him.

I've never seen him like this before.
All this time I thought he was quiet and weak. I always seen him as a weak person because he never fought back, not once. He just took his beatings without a word. It always angered me.
After Ben, we never spent much time together in the carts.

We distanced ourselves so it wouldn't hurt as much when we were killed. It seemed inevitable at the time. I never spent time with him properly but when I think about things, he was the one who gave me the sharp rock when we escaped the cart.
He was the one that pulled me off the man when I killed him.
He was the one who took a hit for me when the men found us surrounded by the mans and Bens bodies.
He was the one who tried to pull me away from the man when he hawled me to the torture rooms that same night.

He always had my back even when I didn't have his. I always tried to keep him safe but I didn't try as hard as he did for me. I underestimated him.
I was told that my family was weak. Rick told me that my family wouldn't last, and I always felt that it was just me who could look after all of them. But I know now that I was wrong. Nick is strong in his own way.
Maybe we stand a chance in this world.
We've made it this far...