Survive ( twd carlgrimes)

Chapter 36

MADISONS POV.

I'm back in the field when I see her. Although she isn't drenched in blood yet and there isn't a walker to be seen. I run to her, wanting desperately to be in her arms. The feeling takes me by surprise, I've never wanted anything to do with her before. I didn't want her comfort. It stops me in my tracks.

At the same time she looks up at me, staring straight into my eyes and says
"This is your fault."
I blink and after that half second that I close my eyes, the walker is suddenly there. It bites her in the exact same places as it did before. Her wrist, her stomach and her shoulder, pulling her onto the ground.

I reach for an arrow on my back, but theres nothing there. I have no knife, no bow. I have nothing to help her with. I run to her shoving the walker away only for it to come back again unaffected by the hard shoves. I scream and scream at my mother to stay with me, but it's no use. Her eyes have already glazed over.....

"MADISON! MADISON, WAKE UP!" Someone shakes my shoulders and I gasp, opening my eyes and reaching for my bow which in an instant is pointed at whoever woke me.
I try to make out who it is in the dark by squinting my eyes.

"Jeez Mads, calm down. I surrender." I know who it is by the sound of his voice.
"Carl?"
"The one and only" He murmurs in the dark.
I sigh in relief and set down my bow when I find his shape moving in the dark. He sits down next to me.

"Are you ok?" He asks.
"Yeah, why wouldn't I be?" I pant, breathless after my dream.
"Well, uh, you were just screaming in your sleep and you're covered in sweat and I'd also like to point out that you nearly had my head attached to your arrow only two seconds ago."

"So.... Are you gonna tell me or not?" He asks.
"It's fine. It was just a bad dream."
"You were shouting for your mom, that doesn't sound fine to me."
"Well then that should pretty much sum it up for you." I snap.

He rolls his eyes and stands up, obviously annoyed with me.
I sigh. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't snap."
He shakes his head. I can't tell if he's still mad or not.
"I'm used to it by now. Just...go back to sleep."
I debate whether or not to speak or just let him go.

"I don't think I can, I think if I close my eyes i'll see her again." I finally tell him, honestly.
He sits back down beside me, propped up against the same small pile of hay I'm on.
"Lets just talk then." He settles.

I shake my head. "Don't you want to go back to sleep?"
"No point if I'm gonna be woke by a howling banshee again."
"I won't wake you up. I swear. Go back to sleep."
"Don't worry about it. I'm pretty much awake now anyways and sleeping people aren't the best company. So I guess I'm stuck with you."
I chuckle. "I guess so."

Honestly, I'm a little relieved. As stupid and childish as it sounds, I didn't want to be left alone with my thoughts and nightmares. It's silent for a little while but it's not an awkward silence, it's actually kinda peaceful. I have to peak over at him a few time though to make sure he's still awake. He must have been telling the truth when he said he felt wide awake because each time I glance at him he's staring up at the roof, deep in thought.

"Carl?" I felt almost rude for cutting off whatever he was thinking so hard about.
"Yeah?"
"What's your story? " I ask curiously.
He looks over with me in disbelief. "I already told you. We started in a camp in Atlanta while dad was in hospital-"
"No. Not that story. Like, before all of this. What about your school, your friends, hobbies. What about your mom? I'm sure your dad wasn't always this big of an asshole-" He throws a daggering look at me. "Sorry, I mean, I'm sure he wasn't always this...intense. What about the people I haven't met that were in this group before you found us?" I encourage.

"Well, thats a lot of questions." He starts.
"We have a few hours to kill anyways."
"Life before all this was obviously way better. School was boring and I hated math and history. I didn't really have one friend in particular. I hit along with everyone in the class. We all kinda hung out as one big group. Hobbies? Didn't have much. I didn't like soccer like the other kids. I preferred comics."
"Comics?" I smile.

"Yeah. They're so different to books. Somehow they dive into a world crazier than any fiction novel could come up with. The comic pictures added this suspense, like you knew who all your favorite characters were and you just pray they make it until the end of the comic."

"I read a few comics back in the day. Never had a lot of time for them later on but I did enjoy them." I agree.
"My mom was amazing. I didn't realize it at the time but nobody really does, I guess. She really tried, you know? She and dad got me to school and made sure I never skipped a meal, even though mom couldn't cook for her life, she burnt almost everything. They brought me to my friends houses and we hung out with dads friend Shane on the weekends, which didn't really make much sense to me at the time because him and dad spent all week together. They never grew tired of each other then. Dad used to smile a lot, all the time, actually. In the evenings after he came home from work, we'd go on these walks to see the cows in the field just down the road. I have lots of good memories, sometimes it's hard to remember them as time goes on." He explains.

"Sounds like a nice life."
"It was."
"...It still could be. I mean, there has to be more out there, right?"
He nods.
"I think so. I'm not sure where but it's somewhere. Maggie had a sister, Beth, you remember me telling you about her?"
"Sorta."
"Well, after we left the prison, we were all separated. She was with Daryl for a while but he said somebody took her."
A shiver runs down my spine.
"I guess that means there are others out there, good and evil. Sometimes its hard to tell one from the other." He adds.

"What about you?"
I shrug. "I wish I had something worth telling but you've heard it all by now. A lot of that time was spent in the train cars."
"Tell me more." I insist, entirely captured by his story.
He gives me another brief run through about his time in Atlanta, then the farm, the prison, and then their brief, unfortunate visit to Terminus.

"Everything thats happened to you, how do you just keep going? How do you not lose hope?" I ask.
"Because honestly, its hard to lose the only thing that you have left, something that you've been clinging to for a long time." He tells me.

"You have family Carl." I remind him.
"They're the ones who give me the hope." He tells me.
"My family are the only thing that kept me going. What's left of them anyways." I sigh.
"You must be clinging onto hope pretty hard too. You're still here after all. After everything."

It's quiet for a few long seconds, this time it is awkward.
"I'm just tired of losing people." I mumble.
"What's that saying? To live is to suffer, but to survive is to find a meaning in the suffering."

Another few moments pass as I think about his words and I find that I'm beginning to get tired again. I look over at Carl to find him already asleep with his mouth open wide and drool falling down his chin.
"You're right. Sleeping people aren't good company." I smile through the tiredness.

I feel my eyes droop and although I try to fight against the oncoming sleep I eventually give in and close my eyes, blocking out everything except for Carl's words.
To live is to suffer, but to survive is to find meaning in the suffering.