Survive ( twd carlgrimes)

Chapter 30

MADISON'S POV.

I fling the back door open and storm inside. The others are several paces behind me, others still struggling with the tree. I thunder upstairs and grab a bag from the hall closet.
I fling my bedroom door open to find Abbie asleep in my old bed.

"Pack your shit. We're leaving." I tell her and she opens her eyes groggily, confusion clear on her face.
"What?" She murmurs.
I don't hang around to explain. I shove my own belongings into a bag and grab some clothes from moms room.

I climb back downstairs and fill bottles of water, adding them into the bag. Some of the others have made it back to the house now and watch as I storm from room to room. I ignore the sympathetic glances as I move. I dont want to look at anybody, I don't even want to look at myself. I want to get out of this house that holds shitty memories. I want to burn it to the ground.

Michonne stops me as I move from the hall to the sitting room.
"You can't leave now. It's still dark out. It's not safe."
"I don't care. I can't look at this house any longer." I snap.
"You're going to drag Abbie out there? Into the dark? You're in a busy town Madison and with all that yelling earlier, we surely attracted a herd. None of you  will make it to morning if you leave. Your anger will get you killed Madison."

Once the words leave her mouth I know she's right. I'm just being selfish. Again.
"Fine. But we're leaving at first light." I tell her.
Michonne nods. "And we'll all come with you."
This surprises me. Honestly, after all that's just happened, I'm not sure I want them to.

I march into the sitting room and fall onto the couch, closing my eyes. My aching muscles finally relax. The sudden stillness makes them sting, as if in shock that they're not being forced to move beyond what they're capable of, again.

There is a certain tiredness that equates to insanity and I can tell after today many people must think I'm crazy. Rick is probably proud of himself that I've proven him right. I'm clearly off the rails.

Even so, as odd as it might sound, I will myself to dislocate my body from my mind. My body needs rest but my mind needs to turn off completely. There's too much going on up there. So I'm glad that the house it quiet.

Sitting where I am, I'm glad at first when I can relax in the silence but as it continues I'm left with the return of the emptiness. I open my eyes again, uncomfortable with the sudden feeling and stare into an unlit fireplace and wait for the morning light to peak through the curtains.

I try to understand this hollowness. It's a strangely familiar feeling but somehow it's stronger this time. I try to understand it but it hurts to think about it. It feels as if it's its own person, both bigger and strong than I am. It's fists pounding and squeezing my heart relentlessly, threatening to rip it apart. I wish it would. I wish to feeling anything other than this numbness.

Is this grief? Is it guilt ? Maybe both.

It takes me a while to realize that the last time I felt like this was when Ben was killed. Although, somehow it wasn't quite as bad as this. There's something about being so close to a new start only to have it ripped away. Even if mother and I didn't get along, even if we rarely talked. It still leaves a sour taste in my mouth.
What we almost had....

It dawns on me how easily this can happen again. How easily it could've been Nick or Abbie. This world isn't all about skill and power. Your life can be determined by sheer bad luck.

People start to flood into the room but not a word is spoken. Its deadly silent and I'm sick of it. I'm sick of the silence now. Silence itself has seemed to become its own sound. Its almost deafening and it demands to be heard.

As it continues and more people join the room I feel a new wave of emotion hit me. What started as light irritation quickly fuels into raging anger and I feel like I'm ready to explode, like a ticking bomb.

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