Survive ( twd carlgrimes)

Chapter 57

MADISONS POV.

Three whole horrible days have come and gone and still, nothing. Nick is completely unreachable. The pit of uneasiness in my stomach has spread to my heart and it aches for him to come home to Abbie and I.

We've traveled further and further through the woods. We're not even in the woods anymore we're nearing a city I think. We've finally found the road and although I'm scared to leave the woods, in fear that he's still in there, the thought of him alone in the city terrifies me more.

We haven't stopped looking for him even though nearly everyone thinks he's gone now and I know they're just humoring us but it feels wrong to give up. Even with that, I think I know the truth. Nick is long gone, far, far away, possibly dead.

Waves of undeniable sadness and helplessness washes over me through out the days. Grief maybe. Sometimes the waves are small and other times the waves are so strong that I find myself lost for breath and I feel as though i'm being swept away. They come randomly through the day, disconnecting me from reality and crippling me into a shell of a woman.

There's been times when I've had to leave the group and release my frustrations with the tears I've been too ashamed to shed in front of everyone else. I've been sick to my stomach and when I do empty my stomach I'm still faced with another problem. Blood. Something's seriously wrong, dangerously wrong and it's gotten worse but I can't even think about myself when Nick is gone.

Abbie, it seems, has been better at this than me. She's been brave and she's held onto our mothers words
'You're only broken if you let them break you.'
She used to tell us that in the carts. Looks like it still works in this world too.

Abbie has clung to those words and put on a brave face for everyone but I still hear her cry herself to sleep when she thinks nobody is awake and it pains me to know that I can't help her. I can't reassure her or give her comforting words. I can only help her face the possible reality that Nick is gone. Still, how do I look at her in the eyes and tell her to give up? Without the car or Daryl, we'll never find him.

Abbie looks exhausted, disheveled. She's hardly eaten and I can see it in her face. Her cheekbones are poking out slightly more than they used to. She looks almost as bad as she had in the carts.

Carl has been sneaking worried glances when he thinks i'm not looking. At this point I can't tell if I'm annoyed at his hovering and sympathy or relieved to know he cares enough to bother keeping an eye on us. But even he can't push away the waves of grief.

Both of my brothers are gone now, just in different ways.
My stomach drops and my heart feels like someone ripped it out of my chest and smashed it under their foot on the ground and finally spat on it. My heart throbs and I can't take the pain anymore.

Now, everyone is walking on the road, we are making our way to the city to find Daryl. We still cling onto our last sliver of hope that that's where they've gone and that Nick has somehow found Daryl.

I quickly walk away from the road, into the ditch, and then into the woods that lie eitherside of the road. I run through the trees seeing them quickly pass me. I drop to my knees next to a tree and empty the contents of my stomach as well as a stream of blood.

I feel the forest spin around me and I lie down on the ground, staring up at the sky trying to get my shit together before going back. In the short distance I can hear Rick calling a break for the group to find something to eat. The thought of food right now makes my stomach turn again.

I haul myself back up and rest on the opposite side of the tree, pulling my knees to my chest and hugging them close as I let the sadness take over once again. My cheeks are hot and wet with tears in seconds. I think all those days of not crying seems to build up to now. I sit on the bark of a tree and pull my knees into my chest.

Then I hear footsteps coming my way, I can tell that it's Rick just by the way he walks. That sounds silly but it's true, some people have distinct walks.
Rick pushes ferns out of his way and finally comes into view as I rush to cover my blood with leaves behind me.

I wipe away my tears and he decided to sit with me in silence.
I'm not sure how long we stay like that together but I appreciate that he knows what I want without asking.
I don't want to talk about it but having him here with me is comforting enough.

"Is Abbie okay back there ?" I croak, tears threatening to brim over again.
"Yeah."
Rick places his arm over my shoulder and pulls me closer. I happily lean into him and allow him I comfort me as I focus on pulling myself together. I hate that he's seen me like this now.

A few weeks ago I would've rather die than let Rick see me like this but now I find comfort in his presence. I've noticed ever since the day my head was grazed by that bullet that he's looked after me. He's included me in his group, in his family and I've found that I could trust him.

"He's dead, isn't he?." I say for the first time. Rick stays silent.
His silence answers my question.
I nod. "One of our last conversations was a fight. A fight!"
"You're so eager to give up on him."
I shake my head. "It's not that. It's just, we left the church. If someone took him it was to find out information about us so they could attack us but there's nobody there to attack anymore. So why would they need him?"

I put my head in my hands. "Maybe we should've found a place nearby."
"And risk the group being found ?" He scolds.
I guess not.
"Do you think he's with Daryl?" I ask.
He takes a moment before answering.
"No."

I wipe away a new wave of tears that threaten to spill over.
"I know the smart thing to do here is move on but I need to make sure. I don't want to think back on what could've happened if I'd just done something differently. So, we need to go into the city and see for ourselves if the car is there or if there's something related to that cross there."
Rick nods. "That seems like the best thing to do."
I nod back.

I look up at the tree. It seems to go up and up for ever. Almost like it could reach the sky. I remember playing and hanging out of trees when I was younger.
With a sigh, I release my knees and stand to my feet. Offering my hand to Rick to help him up too.
"Ready to go back?"
"Almost. I just need a minute alone."
"See you back on the road?"
I nod in response.

I look up at the sky again and see the white clouds drift softly west. The sky is not blue nor black, but a grayish colour, a warning of Winter. Now from a new angle I can finally see the tops of the trees that surround me and I have an instant urge to crawl and climb away from my problems. So I do.

I haul myself up the tree that I had been leaning against earlier. Branch by branch, I pulled my way up until I was half way. This tree isn't normal height though. It's much, much taller. I've never been scared of heights so my legs were climbing to the top before I realised that that's where I wanted to be.

The Winter wind whips my hair around my face and if I wasn't so used to climbing trees I would have fallen off and down to my death. I just keep climbing. The branches begin to get thinner and I can't risk one snapping.

From my birds eye view, I feel as though I can see everything. I can see every detail, tree and flower of the beautiful forest and all the unnatural monsters that live within it. The brown from the winter leaves are warm and comforting. It helps me relax slightly.

My heart so badly aches for my brother. I reach out to him in my mind, knowing that he can't hear me but I mostly promise to myself that I will see him again soon. It's kind of inevitable in this world. I never told him that I loved him even if I looked like I didn't care, I did.

If there's nothing in the city then the only person I have left is Abbie. Nick would want me to trust her to grow up in this world, that I not take all the risks for her but let her learn who she is without me being so protective. So she can grow up to be selfless like Ben, caring like Nick, clever like my father and self sacrificing like my mother.

But where do I stand? Where do I come into the picture for her? I know she loves me and there is no denying that I love her too. But what part of me is in her? I suppose I'll teach her to hunt the monsters instead of hiding from them.