Survive ( twd carlgrimes)

Chapter 111

Madisons pov.

This world can easily distroy you. It breaks you down until all that you have left is your humanity and eventually that goes too and you're no better than the monsters that roam this earth. Thats what it feels like. All I have left is my emotions and sometimes I wish I could turn them off but then I think what kind of monster I would become then. Instead I feel like i'm constantly struggling to keep balence on a balence beam. One slip up and i'll fall so far down i'll be gone forever and beyond repair.
Losing Abbie was the worst thing that has happened to me and now its making me crazy. I havn't gone to sleep yet and I havnt eaten, but its early morning now and the sun is rising. For the past few hours i've starred at the same spot of dirt beside my shoe. I vaguely remember people coming up to me trying to talk to me, trying to get me to eat, drink or just to move. Everyday I think that it will just get better and I can move on, but the thing is, its the total opposite. Everyday gets worse and worse and I have to think about the reasons I need to be here on this earth. These facts are what keeps me from ending everything. I havnt been truely scared in a long long time. The last time I was scared was when I held Abbies dying body in my arms and now its the fact that I have to face this world without her. Before her death there wasnt a time that I was frightened. Yes, when my parents and brothers died I was heartbroken and sad, but I was never scared because I knew it was done and there was nothing I could do. This time it could have been like that, but I promised her, I told her to her face that I would never let anything happen to her and then she died. I never wanted this, I never even entertained the thought of her dying because it was meant to happen it should've been me, not her.
I wish I could feel anything other than the grief but worst of all the guilt.

I look up when I finally register the feeling of someone shaking my shoulder.
Luke.
"Hey, How are you doin.... thats a stupid question.... look just... hang in there Mads. We're all here for you, but you have to atleast aknowledge that we're here." He whispers.
Everyone sits far away but I know they're straining their ears to listen to this conversation. I havn't talked to anyone in hours, maybe even the past few days, I dont even care.
I just nod slightly in responce.
"Jeez Mads! Would you at least look at me! You gotta talk to someone, I wouldn't expect it to be me after what happened, but for crying out loud woman, open your mouth!" He says loudly and more harsh that he intended because once I finally look up at him his eyes soften. Its true, I havn't really talked to him since he kissed me the night that ... she died.
"Eat this." He said pushing a tin of food towards me.
I shake my head.
"It wasnt a question. Eat it. I'm gonna sit here and bother you with questions until you decide to eat." He says while sitting across from me and folding his arms.
Thats when I glare at him and really look at him. I didn't notice before that he cut just above his eyebrow. Rosita must have stitched it for him. I look into his stunning green eyes and silently plead with him to leave me the hell alone. When he shakes his head and nods towards the tin I know its no use. He knows me too well and I can tell from the determind look in his eyes that he's not stopping until i've eaten. With the sigh I reach for the tin and shove a spoonful of the substance into my mouth without even looking to see what it is. It tastes like cardboard and it makes my stomach turn, I want to throw up but I just swallow it hard and slam the tin back on the ground.
No more.
"Mads!" He snaps
"Leave me alone Luke."
"Oh, she talks!" He says with mock suprise. I scoff and flip him off.
"Seriously Luke? Take a hint and just piss off because i'm not in the mood." I spit.
"No, i'm not giving up on you Mads, I'm not gonna stop until that light comes back into your eyes or until you care enough about yourself to realise that you are still matted with blood from days ago or until you look like you don't wanna kill yourself, I'm not gonna stop until you realise that everyone you love is here and you keep pushing us all away. I'm not stopping until you feel something, any-"
I'm suddenly on my feet and so is Luke. I'm in his face and I dont care. My fist quickly connects with his jaw and I push him against a pole in the shed.
"YOU DONT KNOW ANYTHING LUKE! You want me to feel? Newsflash sunshine, I feel! I feel everything and it sucks. You wanna know what I feel?
I feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest and torn to pieces because of how I ended things with Carl and thats actually not the worst of all my feelings believe it or not. I feel the sadness that reminds me that another part of me died, another person from my family is dead. Thats all of them, i'm the last Smith standing and you know what else sucks? It should've been me! I feel guilt because I should've been the one torn apart because I was the one that was meant to protect her. I feel even more guilty that I failed her by breaking my promise to her that I would never let anything happen to her. I feel angry because shes gone. That she left me or because I couldnt save her or just because this world is so fucked up and after everything Abbie and I went through in those carts, for years we dreamed about escaping and what our lives would be like outside them. I wanted it to be different, safer and happier for her and I couldnt give it to her. Everything we wanted was taken from us before we could even think we had it. I feel frustrated and lonely because nobody understands what happened everyday and how we felt everyday in those carts and we worked so hard to try to escape. I killed somebody for it but it didnt work. But mostly I just feel lost without her. So yeah, I feel and dont you dare say otherwise!" I spit.
His eyes are wide and his jaw hangs low.
"Sorry." He mumbles while sitting back down. I sit down to but this time I sit beside him.
"Rick and Daryl found two Cars to travel to Alexandrea in. They're just loading our stuff into the trunk." he tells me, changing the subject.
I nod my head.
"Maybe you should sleep in the car." a voice says from behind us.
Beth.
"No, i'll just see her. I'll see the same image again." I confirm.
"You'll see her anyways if your awake." she argues. I look around for her quickly but my brain has decided not to play tricks on me just yet. Im thankful.
"Lets just go." I say standing up and walking to the exit.
True to his word. There are two cars settled outside just like Luke said.
I pass Carl and we make brief eye contact.
"This doesnt have to be weird Carl. We cant avoid each other so stop making a mountain out of a molehill." I say harshly.
If I want Carl to hate me then I have to push him away. I have to be a little mean.
His jaw practically sits on the ground but he gathers himself together and nods.
I turn towards one of the cars.
"Carol said there is no room left in our Car." Carl informs me.
"I dont think you're understanding the whole no avoiding thing." I say.
"Take a look for yourself then." He snaps. To avoid embarrassment of being wrong I just trust his word and I stalk towards the other car Michonne, Rick and Judith are in. I hop in the back with Judith and I set my bow on my lap.
I really hope this isnt a long journey.