Babygirl.

My Beautiful Baby Boy.

Dwight heads to an old town with houses that are falling apart. In these times we would normally go to the nearest Outpost. But they were hit also, everyone scattered and relaying on the walkies for communication between groups.

This big issue though was not everyone was with someone with a walkie. A list was being compelled to find out how was and who wasn't missing. No one had heard from Negan.

I start to wonder if he met up with Greta and got them out to safety? Or if he was stuck somewhere? Or maybe if he was dead? I sit on an old recliner, knees drawn up to my chest rocking backwards and forwards softly. Dwight kept himself busy by looking for any food and water.

"Baby, you need to eat something." Dwight comes in handing me an old protein bar. I set it aside not interested in food, eating was the least of my worries.

"Clare, please. Eat something for me." He crouches down in front of me, rubbing the sides of my legs, trying to coax me into it.

"I'm not going to eat until my baby boy is back here in my arms." The gravity of the situation hits me hard.

"What if? What if he's -" I can't finish the sentence, a sob tearing through me. Then the dam breaks and I'm crying hysterically, I barely notice as Dwight drags me from the chair, pulling me into his chest to hold me. To try and comfort me in anyway, but I know that won't happen until my beautiful baby boy is returned to me.

Hours later I lean with my back against the chair, still sitting on the floor, Dwight is cooking beans he managed to find. I get lost in my memories.

One of the best days of my life was seeing my son's little face for the first time. Holding him to my chest, promising him that I would always take care of him.

When he started to crawl I could barely do anything, every time I tried to clean, he'd be there under my feet, wanting my attention and I'd always give it him. Reading him his little learner books.

The day he started to stand made me so proud, his triumphant expression as he wobbly held himself up against his toy box all by himself.

His first step had me cheering down the whole basement, his giggles where just as loud as he quickly stomped his way over to me. We celebrated by eating some chocolate pudding, by the end of the night his face was covered in chocolate.

I hated when he had his first really bad nightmare, it was after I had taken him outside and through a gap in the fence he had seen the face of a dead prick. He screamed and cried all night, he didn't want to go back to sleep. I cuddled him for hours singing lallabys and reading his favourite books. It broke my heart to see him so frightened.

Axls' first word was mama, I cried with joy for an hour after he had said it. Although he didn't say it again for a few days after that first time. I tried to coax him into by enunciating all my words to him. But to no luck, he had decided he would start talk when he felt like it. My stubborn little man, just like his father.

When Axl got his first cold I completely panicked, I didn't know how to help him, I didn't have any medication to give him. I barely left his side, too scared that he wouldn't make it, I was lucky to have thought ahead to make sure I had lots of extra food. My fruit trees were also offering fruit for the first time too.

Dwight sits beside me, a bowl of beans in his hand and a fork for us to share. Tears roll down my cheeks, falling on to my shirt.

"Dwight, I failed him, I failed my little boy, I promised him I'd always be there to protect him. I should know fucking better, should have known Negan was going to fuck things up and kept Axl by my side the whole time. My little boy must be so scared and I'm not with him to make him better." Dwight wraps his arm around my shoulder, pulling me closer to him.

"Axl will be okay, Greta is with him we know that. Just because there's no answer doesn't mean anything happened to them. We will find him tommorow, I'd take you now but it's not safe." He kisses my temple and then slips his arm away from me.

"Now I need you to eat something, you're no help to Axl or yourself if you're hungry. It's not just you now either." Dwight's eyes flick to my tummy briefly, he always seems nervous about mentioning the new little blip growing inside me. I wonder if I'll be able to get a photo of this one too. I sigh heavily, leaning further against Dwight he lifts a forkful of beans to my mouth, I eat it, even though it makes me feel sick.

Dwight finds some relatively decent blankets, so in the cleanest, less ruined room we set up ready to sleep. During the night I stay awake, sitting up beside Dwight, unable to clear my mind enough to sleep. I want my baby back and I will not rest until he is with me.

By morning I must look like shit, I know I certainly feel that way. As soon as the sun starts to rise, I grab the walkie and switch it on. The morning reports flood in, apparently everyone has been asked to return to the Sanctuary to clear it out.

Negan's voice breaks through and he gives out instructions to everyone. I get up quietly and head down the creaky stairs to try and let Dwight sleep a little longer.

"Negan, is he with you? Is Axl with you?" I ask over the other people talking.

"I thought he was with you." Negan's voice is deep and the concern evident in his voice.

"I couldn't find him yesterday, no one had seen him. I just know that was with Greta, I went to her room she had packed a few things." The panic sets in all over again, Axl wasn't with any of his parents.

"Everyone be on the search for Greta and my fucking son, someone has to be with them, send word as soon as you hear anything. Clare we will find him, we will get him back. I promise you." The desperation evident in his voice.

"Don't make promises Negan, nothing ever comes good of them. But just know that if my beautiful little boy doesn't come home to me, I will kill you. You started this war, you put his life at risk just like I knew you would. You find him Negan, you bring him straight to me." I try not to let myself cry as the thought of my son not turning up pops up. I remain strong and keep my voice level.

"If he doesn't come home, then I'll let you." Is all Negan says to me, the rest of the chatter had long since gone quiet.

I switch off the walkie just as Dwight comes down stairs ready to go. I know he heard the conversation Negan and I just had, but he remains quiet also, taking me back to find my son. He must be able to tell that I'm a stone throw away from falling apart completely.

I hold on to him tighter on the way back, needing warmth and comfort to leech the cold out of my bones and my heart that feels so broken.