I Think I Kinda, You Know | Joshua Bassett

22 - Can't Get It Out Of My Head

My feeling is seriously so mixed up. I'm hurt by him but he's also the one who comforts me.

It's been a few days and I still can't get it out of my head completely. I ended up actually FaceTiming him but I didn't tell him the truth. I just can't.

But, despite that, I feel a lot better since I went home. It's a lot easier for me to forget about it, maybe because I don't see his face that often. We're pretty much back to normal again. We FaceTime every single day.

And I miss him already. It's like I don't want to be around him, but at the same time I miss him so much and I just want to be right beside him. I know. It's complicated.

Oh and I also told Abby about everything. She wasn't surprised when I told her I'm in love with Josh. But she was surprised when I told her that Josh has something going on with Olivia. She didn't believe me at first. She said that she thought Josh was also in love with me.

See, that's why it hurts so much. Everybody said that he loves me that way, including my nana, and that we'd make a great couple. I also thought that maybe he feels the same way because... Well, if you can't already tell, we're like super close together. I started getting so confident and was sure that he feels the same way. But no. It's all just false hope. Or maybe I was too confident.

Abby told me I should just tell him the truth. I know that it's the best way to get out of this, but how is he gonna react? I don't wanna ruin our friendship that we've had for eleven years. It's just not a risk I'm willing to take.

Okay. Enough talking about this before I have a mental break down and bawl my eyes out for the rest of the day.

It's Saturday and I have nothing to do today. It's just been me watching YouTube videos and watching a few episodes of You on Netflix.

I'm rewatching James Corden's Carpool Karaoke with Harry Styles on YouTube for the 23rd time because I just love carpool karaoke videos, especially the one with Harry.

I finish the video and it somehow reminds me of when I first learned how to drive. I still remember every detail of it. It was a few days after I turned 16. I know it was kinda late that I still didn't know how to drive after I turned 16.

-April 13th 2018-
I was in the school parking lot with Josh. I was sitting on the driver's side of his car, and he was sitting on the passenger's side.

"Oh my god what if I hit something and ruin your car?"

"No you won't. You can do it!"

"Oh no I'm scared! Aahh!" I was clenching my fists right beside my face because I was both excited and nervous. Then I exhaled and tried to focus. "Okay. I'm ready."

"Okay. First things first, check your mirrors. Make sure you can see behind you."

I adjusted the rear mirror then grabbed the steering wheel again.

"Okay. There we go."

"Alright. We're gonna start with starting the car. So put your right leg on the break pedal, which is the big one in the middle, and hit the start button," he explained.

I did everything that he said and pushed the start button and the car started.

"Okay so hold your foot on the break, and now what you're gonna is slip the lever from park to drive."

I put the car in drive as he told me so. I couldn't stop biting my lip because I was so nervous.

"And then I want you to release the break a little bit until we start rolling, and then hit the break again."

I released the break slowly and the car started moving. I smiled nervously. "Wow... This is so coo-"

"Okay so now hit the break."

I remember I just slammed the break with my leg and the car literally jerked.

"Oh my god! Oh no!"

He just laughed at me. Then I realized that I was supposed to hit it slowly and started laughing.

"Try that again. But this time try to hit the break slowly," he commanded.

I did as he told me, and this time the car stopped slowly.

"Okay now, do it again, but before you hit the break, push the gas pedal a little bit until you reach that pole over there, and hit the break 'slowly'," he emphasized that last word. I did like he told me to.

I did it for a couple more times until I got the hang of it. Then he taught me how to do turns.

"Okay so now, I want you to turn and stop at that sign over there," he pointed at the sign with his finger.

I released the break and hit the gas pedal. I was getting closer and closer to the turn but I was kinda scared for some reason.

"Aaahh! Should I turn the blinker on?" I started to panic while still trying to focus on the road.

"No, no, it's fine just practice the turn first. Now do the turn..."

I did the turn very slowly.

"Okay that's good, now straighten out the wheel."

I did that and stopped at the sign. I remember I was so proud of myself.

"Okay great! You're doing great!"

I did a couple more turns before I did it with the blinker. Then we just went around the parking lot. We then approached a U turn. I was so focused trying not to crash that I didn't even pay attention to Josh.

"Watch out!" He shouted while pointing at literally nothing. I slammed the break again.

"Joshy! Oh my god stop! It's not funny!" I hit him on the arm and he just laughed.

Then we did a few more turns and I learned how to park.

Josh was so calm the entire time, no matter how many times I almost hit something with his car. If I was driving with my mom using her car, she would've screamed at me once the car started rolling. But Josh literally just sat there and told me what to do. I was the one who had panic attack and was paranoid when I learned how to back up the car. He just sat there while saying things like 'oh you're doing great' or 'okay that's perfect'.

That's actually the Joshua that I know. He is such a coolheaded person. If something happens and everyone starts to panic and go all over the place, he's always the one who remains calm while telling people to calm down. It happened to me once. I was hanging out with Josh and his sisters at the mall and then we got stuck in an elevator. Everybody started to panic, including me. But Josh was the one telling us to calm down and he said that everything was gonna be fine. I was standing in front of him in that elevator and he started to squeeze my shoulders to calm me down and it really worked. I told you. His touch is like magic.

That's actually another thing I've noticed about him. He's a "touchy" person. He shows that he cares about someone by... Touching them. Not in a weird way, but you know... Holding their hand, rubbing their back, or even hugging them. Everytime he does that to me I always get shivers down my spine. I love it when he like... Caresses my head and plays with my hair. That is seriously my weak spot. Just having him do that to me with his soft hands can literally drive me crazy. He does that a lot when we're hugging. I seriously can't get enough of it.

Wait. Hold on. Did I just daydream about him? About him caressing my head?

See? I can't pass a minute without thinking about him. This is why it's so hard to keep him out of my head.

A/N
I think this chapter is kinda weird. I had the idea of her having a flashback and I recently found a picture of Olivia driving for the first time on her IG and she was actually with Josh, driving in Josh's car. I thought it'd be cute to have a chapter about Rachel driving for the first time with Josh so here it is. But idk I think this chapter didn't turn out as good as I imagined it would be. What do you guys think? Let me know!