I Think I Kinda, You Know | Joshua Bassett

39 - Logan

School is over and I'm so hungry. I decide to go Lunchroom and get something to eat.

I walk to Lunchroom alone since Abby already went home and I couldn't find Amelia and Miranda anywhere. It's okay though. I'll just text Josh to meet me there.

It only takes me a minute to get there. I open the door and find a seat. There's not really a lot of people here so I still have plenty seats to choose. While I was looking around, my eyes land on someone.

Seriously? Why is Logan always here when I come here? There's like 20 other cafes but why do I keep meeting the same person in the same place?

He's eating his burger, sitting alone just right over there. Should I go there and like say hi or something? I kinda feel bad about what happened with Josh. Should I go there and like say sorry about what happened? I think I should. You know what, I'm doing it.

"Hi, Logan."

He looks up at me. "Oh hi Rachel! I didn't know you come here quite often too."

"Look. I just wanted to say I'm sorry about what happened 2 weeks ago. Josh... He didn't know we'd been hanging out and got a little jealous."

"No it's okay. I get it," he says, taking a bite out of the burger.

I might as well just tell him that we should keep a distance since I have a boyfriend now.

"Hey um... Can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"Um... Since... You know... Josh and I are dating now... Can we keep a distance between us? Like... Can you not flirt with me whenever you see me? Like... if you like me, I really appreciate it but I'm sorry I have a boyfriend now and-"

"Wait, wait, hold on. You think I have... Feelings for you?"

"Well... Yeah. You gave me necklace on my birthday and you seem to always try and flirt with me."

He laughs. "I was trying to be nice and be a good friend. But I'll stop."

"Wait, so you don't have feelings for me?"

"No. Of course not." He laughs. "What, did Josh tell you that I did? So that you'd stay away from me for whatever reason?"

"Um..."

"Yeah that's what I thought."

See? I was right! Logan has no feelings for me. He wasn't flirting with me. I know I'm not blind. Josh was just jealous.

"Look, Logan, I'm sorry," I sit down in front of him. "He wanted me to stay away from you so that I wouldn't catch feelings for you."

"That's the dumbest excuse ever. Why? He can't control who you fall in love with."

"He... He didn't want me to get hurt by a guy."

"So he thought I was gonna hurt you?"

"Um... No, that's not what I meant."

"I know everybody knows me as the fuck boy or the heartbreaker or whatever but they got it all wrong. I would never hurt anyone, especially a girl. I'm not like my dad."

What?

"Um... What?"

He takes a deep breath. "My parents split up 2 years ago, but my dad was... an alcoholic. He became very abusive to us, especially to my mom and my sister. He yelled at us all the time. He hit my mom and my sister almost everyday. He smashed his beer bottle against my head once. He was a jerk. An asshole. I don't think I've ever hated someone so much in my life."

I can't even say anything. He's been hurt so much by his abusive dad.

"I know how it feels like to be hurt. To be broken. And I'd hate myself forever if I know someone is hurting because of me."

So it was all true what he said. He didn't hurt all the girls he's been with. Because he can't even do it. He's been hurt so much that he doesn't want people to feel the same way.

"Logan, I'm so sorry."

My phone vibrates inside my pocket. I take it out from my pocket and check the notification under the table.

I lock my phone, not answering to his text.

"He left a permanent scar on my soul. Even though my mom kicked him out 2 years ago, all the memories keep replaying inside my head. No matter how hard I try I just can't get it off my head. I always need something to distract me. Parties, sex, and even sometimes drugs. Those are the things that keep me sane this whole time."

I didn't know he went through that. I don't think anybody does.

"That's why I always try to make new friends. I always try to be nice to everyone because no one deserves to be treated like how my dad treated me. But what do I get? More heartbreak. All of the girls I fell in love with never accepted me for my past. It's always either a one night stand or a 3 day relationship."

My eyes are watering now. I can see the pain in his eyes.

"I know there's someone out there that loves you for who you are."

He doesn't answer.

"Hey, if you need someone to talk to, you can talk to me."

"Thanks Rachel."

I smile. Then my phone vibrates inside my pocket. I take it out. Josh is calling.

"Um... Josh is calling. I better..."

"Yeah yeah take it."

I stand up and get outside.

"Hey, Joshy!"

"Hey. I miss you. Are you back from school?"

"Yeah I just got out of school. I'm at Lunchroom right now. I got a little hungry so... I'm still waiting for my burrito," I lie.

"I'll meet you there, okay? I'll be there in 5."

"Okay."

"Alright. Bye. Love you."

"Love you too."

He hangs up the call. I go back inside. I better order my burrito now.

I look over to Logan's table but he's not there. Where the heck is he? Did he go home already?

I just go straight to the cashier, where there's a bar table next to it. I order my burrito and sit on one of the stools.