I Think I Kinda, You Know | Joshua Bassett

62 - Rachel?

I didn't sleep last night. I spent the entire night bawling my eyes out. My entire face literally hurts. My eyes are big and puffy. My hair is messy from hiding under the pillow in different positions. My throat is so dry. It just hurts. A lot.

The sun is already up. The bright light from my window starts lighting up my entire room. I wake my phone to check the time. It's 7 am. Underneath the clock there's like 100 text notifications and 30 missed calls from Josh. I could've just blocked him last night so my phone wouldn't be flooded by his notifications but... I couldn't. I don't know why. I know I can just unblock him later if for whatever reason I wanted to talk to him but... I didn't block him. I just couldn't. It didn't feel right.

I'm really hungry. My stomach is rumbling but I really don't feel like leaving my room. Also my mom is probably in the kitchen making breakfast and I don't wanna show up to her looking like this. She usually leaves at around 9 so maybe I'll just wait 2 more hours.

I lay my head back down on the bed and let out a sigh. That's when my phone dings. I look at my phone screen to see who's texting.

This time, it's not Josh. It's Abby. I tap on the notification to see the message.

Oh yeah. I haven't told her yet. And god damnit Abby it's 7 in the morning!

And ugh do you have to remind me of him? I mean yeah I haven't told her about last night but... Do you really have to say that at 7 in the morning when I haven't even slept for the entire night?

Okay but she said episode 4 is crazy. What's the crazy thing? What happened? Is Nini breaking up with EJ now? Are Ricky and Nini back together?? God now I really wanna watch it!

Ugh but do I? Do I really wanna torture myself into seeing his face after what happened? No, I obviously don't!

I look away from my phone to distract my mind from wanting to torture myself. But then my eyes land on my laptop on the desk.

I'm still kinda curious though! You know what, Olivia, Sofia, and the rest of the cast are my friends. And I obviously wanna support my friends and appreciate my friends' work. So... You know what, I think I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna watch the episode. For them.

I grab my laptop and put it on my lap. I open Disney+ and click the newest episode of HSMTMTS.

The episode starts with Nini breaking up with EJ. Thank god. And Josh's face hasn't appeared yet.

But I spoke too soon. The HSMTMTS logo appears, followed by Ricky and his dad. I roll my eyes and sigh. I'm starting to regret this. But I powered through the entire episode.

The episode ends with tears filling up my eyes. It was sad that Ricky's parents split up. And that I know Ricky and Nini still love each other from the scene where they almost kiss, but I'm not crying because of that. There's just something about the song All I Want that makes me... Emotional. I relate to the song so much. And Ricky reminds me of me a few months ago. I was scared that my parents were actually going to split up and I can really see the fear in his eyes.

I don't know why but the thought of that just made me cry a little harder. I remember when I was feeling the same thing Ricky was feeling, Josh was there for me. He comforted me and made sure I was alright. He promised everything was gonna be okay. And now we broke up and I'm kinda scared. What if it happened all over again and Josh wasn't there to comfort me? What if that scene in Nini's house actually happened to me in real life where I needed to stay at someone's house and I know I would have to stay at his house because he's the only person who knows about my family problems and it ended up being so awkward?

I kinda regret actually breaking up with him. Well... Not really but... He's the one person I go to when things aren't right. He's the one person who always make sure I'm okay and now losing that person, just hits different. It's a different kinda heartbreak. It's not like oh I broke up with my boyfriend but at least I still have my one best friend who's always there for me. No. It's a whole different story when that one best friend is actually your boyfriend. And you lose that person.

And yeah I still have Abby, but it's just different.

That scene at Nini's house really triggers my emotion. I started crying like crazy. I relate to literally every single scene in the episode. From the heartbreak to the family drama.

And All I Want is such a beautiful song. I know Liv wrote it herself and she really did an amazing job. It really made me ugly cry.

I wipe my tears and sniffle my nose. I take a deep breath before stretching. I'm done crying for today. And I probably shouldn't have watched it and tortured myself like that but man that was a really good episode. Except the parts where Josh's face is on screen. He's a jerk.

I stretch for a little more and go to my bathroom to wash my face. I go to my sink and look at myself in the mirror.

Wow. I look like shit. The dark circle under my eyes are so big and dark. My hair is literally going in every direction and my eyes are so big and swollen.

I go take a quick shower, wash my face and do my other skincare. While I'm putting on my moisturizer, I hear the front door opening and closing. I think my mom just left the house. That's great because my stomach has been rumbling like crazy.

I go downstairs to look for something to eat. There's some fruits in the fridge, some eggs, milk, and I'm pretty sure there's a pancake mix in the pantry.  I could just make pancakes or srambled eggs but I'm kinda craving Lunchroom's breakfast burrito and their caramel latte so I think I'm gonna go there.

I look back at myself in the mirror. I need to put make up on. Otherwise people are gonna think I'm a fucking zombie.

I take my concealer and try to cover my really dark eyes. The dark spot is gone but my eyes are still swollen. I try putting mascara and eyeliner to make my swollen eyes less noticeable. After I'm done with my make up, I grab my purse and walk my way to Lunchroom.

Once I'm there, I order my food and coffee and go find myself a seat.

I just sit on the bar table since I'm alone and eat the food I ordered because I'm just so hungry right now my stomach literally had been mad at me for like 6 hours.

I continue eating my food and drinking my coffee while I scroll through Instagram until I get tired of it. I put my phone down on the table and finish my food.

I take a deep breath before taking my last bite of burrito. So... Day 1 post break up. Feels kinda... Great being alone again. Today can't be any worse, right? I'm not gonna cry over him anymore today. I already let all of my emotions out last night. I just gotta move on. I need to forget about him. He's a jerk. I don't deserve him. I don't have time for a cheater. He can burn in fucking he-

"Rachel?"

A very familiar deep voice snaps me out of my thought. I turn my head to see a tall guy standing next to me. I look up slowly to see his face that none other belongs to Logan.