Stirb Nicht Vor Mir

Chapter 21

My mom screamed and she untied the rope from the ceiling. She looked at me, shook her head, cried, and walked downstairs. I collapsed onto my bed and I started crying because it felt like no matter what I did, it always caused someone pain. 

Richard rushed into my room and saw me crying.

"What happened?" He asked worried. 

"Go ask my mom!" I told him. 

"WHY ISN'T HE ANSWERING?!" My mom yelled from downstairs. 

I screamed into my pillow and cried myself to sleep. In the morning when I opened my eyes, I was not in my room. I was in a room with black walls and no light. I stood up and walked out of there and when I stepped on the floor, I shuddered because since it was tile, it was cold. 

I walked out around the hall and saw my mom sitting on the couch talking with Richard. When she saw me, she gasped and ran to me and guided me to the couch. 

I sat down and asked where I was. 

"You tried to kill yourself," She reminded me. 

"I understand," I muttered. 

"Your dad is almost here."

"WHAT?!" I shrieked. 

Just then, there was a knock on the door. Someone came down the stairs and sat down next to us while someone else opened up the door. 

"Where is she?!" Till yelled. 

I tried to run to the kitchen, but my mom held me down. When Till saw me, he looked at me, sobbed, and ran to me and hugged me. 

"WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU WERE DOING?!" He yelled and shook me softly. "LEAVING US LIKE THAT?! I JUST MET YOU! DO YOU UNDERSTAND HOW SELFISH THAT WOULD BE?"

"I'm sorry," I choked. 

He pulled me into his embrace and rubbed my back. "It'll be alright-I'm right here."

My mom and Richard held hands while I cuddled with my dad. 

"So," The woman said. "My name is Jenny. Your mom knows me because we are friends. She told me this morning that you tried to hang yourself and she didn't know what to do. Coincidentally, I am a therapist."

"I'm not going to talk to you about my feelings," I told her. 

"Oh no need," She said. "Your mom already told me everything. I have never met someone with such a unique life as you do. At least you are surrounded by people that love you. Why did you try to kill yourself?"

"I'm not going to say anything."

"Please?" My mom begged. "Please?"

I sighed. "I can't take it anymore. I feel so violated-I'M NOT EVEN COMFORTABLE IN MY OWN FUCKING SKIN! I CAN STILL FEEL THEM INSIDE OF ME AND I HAVE DREAMS ABOUT BEING RAPED EVERY SINGLE NIGHT! I JUST WANT TO LEAVE AND BE GONE!"

I cried and buried my face into my dad's shoulder. 

"Interesting," She said. "I'm here to help you get better."

Before I could say anything, Till said, "She already told you she didn't want a therapist. Why do you keep pushing this?"

I looked up at him and he winked at me.

"Very well," She stood up. "If you need me, I'm a call away."

We all drove back to my house. We went into the living room and turned on the television. 

"Are you okay?" Till asked. 

"I missed you," I told him. 

He clicked his tongue and kissed the top of my head. "I missed you, too. We were calling most of the time: why did you never tell anyone?"

"Because no one would understand."

"Sweetie," My mom said. "I know none of us have been suicidal, but it doesn't mean that we don't want to help you."

"I love you guys," I cried and gave them all a hug. 

When I laid down in bed, I found out that my mom had been lying to me for the longest time.