Dépaysement (h.s)

10

Delilah Lavigne

"Thanks for driving me back." I reach for the door handle to Harrys car and the slam the door shut and head into my building.

Without looking back, I get into the elevator and head straight to my door.

I unlock the door, get into my apartment and slam the door shut and lock it. I lean up against the door and try take a deep breath.

I cant breathe.

Trying to catch my breath, I go to my bathroom to splash some water onto my face. "Deep breaths Delilah come on," I mutter to myself while leaning against the bathroom counter.

I look in the mirror for the first time after I got home and see my makeup all smudged from earlier, I don't even look like myself right now.

Why can't I just fucking breathe? It's not that hard.

"Come on don't be little bitch, suck it up," I say out loud while trying to hold it all in.

I can't, don't you get that? It hurts. It brings too much back.

"Shut up don't say that," I slide down the bathroom door and put my head in my hands.

Why aren't you crying? You haven't cried yet.

"I cant, I won't." I mutter in my hands.

What the hell is wrong with you? Tonight was a shit show and you cant even cry? It was traumatic.

"Shut up! Just shut up!" I yell, putting my hands up to my ears to shut the voice out.

I abruptly stand up from the floor and go to my room, changing into comfortable clothes and lay down in my bed. Nicks is already curled up at the end of my bed fast asleep. Must be nice.

I try to fall asleep but I can't. Why cant I just fall asleep? It's usually so easy for me.

I keep tossing and turning in my bed trying to get comfortable enough to fall asleep but I can't, I check the time on my phone and see that it's 4am. I was laying in my bed for almost 2 hours just now? That's impossible, it felt like 10 minutes.

What the hell is happening to me right now? My mind won't shut off.

I cant even ask anyone for help on what to do right now, nobody would get it. I'm going crazy, aren't I?

My mind just keeps going back to that night. I haven't thought about in months.

You should do it right now, you know you want to.

"No. I'm not doing that again," I press my pillow to my ears.

Why not? It helps and you know it. Just do it, maybe you can get some peace in your mind.

"No! I'm not fucking doing it!" I yell.

You look so pathetic right now. Do it, everyone would be happy if you did.

"That's not true. You don't know anything," I say through my teeth.

Oh, but I do. Nobody truly loves you. Remember that night? You fucked up. You ruined everything. That's why you had to move and start over, not because you wanted to but because you had to.

"Stop! I didn't mean to do it I swear!" I scream through my tears.

You're crying. You're fucking welcome.