Dépaysement (h.s)

70

Delilah Lavigne

Harry knows something is wrong.

It's not like I've been hiding it by putting a brave face on. I definitely haven't acted like myself, even though I don't know who I really am anymore.

I don't know how I can keep going everyday with a smile on my face. It's so hard to even get out of bed anymore without feeling like I'm being weighed down and pushed further and further, sinking into the ground.

It's almost as though everything around me has shifted. All of the people I care about look unfamiliar to me, I view them all differently. When Harry says the words 'I love you' they don't make me feel good inside like they did before. When he kisses me I don't feel butterflies anymore.

I am so in love with him that it hurts. I keep trying to force myself to not think about the pit deep inside my stomach when I'm around him but it's hard. I can't even explain why I feel this way because I don't know.

Well, at least I keep telling myself I don't.

You see, I went into this job and into their world expecting to become a different version of myself. A better one, a badass one, a fearless one. But since then all I've felt is pain, agony, hate and torture. I don't like who I've become.

I especially don't like the fact that I'm bringing everybody down with me. Every day I'm reminded of what I've caused.

Loss.

And soon I fear that I will invite more.

That's why I've thought long and hard about my decision. And that's why I'm not uttering a word to anybody about it, I'm just keeping it to myself even though it physically hurts to do so.

I know the others can see something's wrong as well. I hear them whispering, I catch their worrying glances, their narrowed eyes trying to read me and figure out what's wrong. It's funny because they think I don't know but lately I've seen and heard a bit of everything just by keeping to myself.

Jade tried to push it out of me once, we were at the house whilst the guys were at Reign. She would not give up, I almost felt bad for her.

I got so aggravated from her constant pushing that I yelled at her, told her to leave and not come back. When Jade told Niall and word got back to Harry, it wasn't pretty.

I've been pushing everyone away. It's not like I want to but it's necessary for what's to come.

What I'm planning on doing will hurt Harry, I know that. But it's the only way I know he'll be safe.

I've tried to go through what to say word for word in my head but it seems impossible. I can already envision the look on his face. Pain.

That's why I'm writing everything down right now, planning to give it to him after all is settled.

I am going to keep it in a place where I know he'll look, he's been bugging me for a long time to see something of mine that I've been hiding from him. If I leave it out in the open he will look through it and see what I left him.

Considering all this, I've contacted the one person I know that can help me do this and we're set to meet thirty minutes now.

I forced Harry out of the house, wanting him to be occupied while I do this so he doesn't ask questions. I asked Zayn to take him somewhere, told him I just needed some space from Harry. He understood since Harry never wants to leave me alone. I get it, he's scared I'll do something to myself but I would never do that again as long as I can control it, and I have.

He doesn't even know why I'm acting this way, and that's for the best until the time has come.

I pull into the parking lot of the restaurant, park my car and jump out. My feet are moving faster than my brain because as I approach the door I accidentally bump into someone's front.