The Arrogant Jerk

THE WEDDING PART TWO

I know literally nothing about  the Zulu culture. So I hired my dressmaker, Azanda Maphumulo, who is a famous singer and designer known as Azar, to be my advisor and guide me step by step on how the traditional wedding is done. I didn’t know that Makho also hired an advisor, he only told me afterwards. That man is full of surprises. So today it is the Zulu traditional wedding which is going to be held at the Gumbi household in KZN. I don’t know why it couldn’t be done in Joburg but Azanda said traditional things like these need to be done in the original household where the family originated from. Something about an umbilical cord and stuff. It’s a lot, I am telling you.

My colleagues were invited and most of them said they will come. Khwezi couldn’t stop laughing at me. She knows how clueless I am. So she is going to take a video of every embarrassing moment and keep it. Friends we have though. The Mncube family is already here. Zoe’s mom hasn’t kicked the bucket yet. That woman is strong as fuck. I respect her. She said to me, “I will only die after I have seen my grandson get married.” Those words broke my heart. She has been in and out of the hospital multiple times. She is constantly in pain, so she needs to rest.

Azanda told me that in the gifting ceremony, it is usually only the groom’s paternal family that I am supposed to gift but I also wanted to gift the Mncube family because they are a part of Makho, a huge part.

So the day’s activities commence. I am here with my whole family, my friends and my sisters' boyfriends are also here. My bridesmaids are my sisters, Reno who came back from overseas just for my wedding, Quinn who is that clueless white friend but we are the same and Mathenji who is the maid of honor. Nathan and his family are also present.

He said he wanted to take notes on how everything is done since it is going to be his wedding in 3 months. After the introductions are done and breakfast is served, we start getting dressed to go to esigcawini. I am nervous about that part because I mean hello. But Azanda taught me everything, so I am 40% confident. The traditional gear for my bridesmaids and some of my family members was hired from a company in Esikhawini called UVuthane Traditional Attire. I came across their page on Facebook while I was just browsing and I loved everything about them. Makho was a bit skeptical about them. He wanted those boutiques who usually dress celebrities but I wanted UVuthane and I got them. I actually had to buy my entire traditional gear since I am not allowed to wear something that had been worn before. So the UVuthane lady made my attire from scratch.

Mr. Mncube, who is umkhongi omkhulu (thee lobola negotiator) and Sphelele who is also umkhongi, both come to where we are seated. Since we are done getting dressed, they inform us that everything is in order inside the Gumbi yard, and so, we now have to go to esigcawini in order for the dancing to commence. They take my white kist (which I bought from Koti) and they lead us to esigcawini. Mathenji is leading my team and the girl is singing very loudly and proudly. The minute we get there, I hear the Gumbi family approaching and I slightly raise my head. Makho is in the front dancing and singing like a true Zulu warrior. My body heats up. I can’t wait for all these people to leave so that he can fuck me while wearing that crown thing on his head. They get settled a few meters opposite us and the singing and dancing competition begins. Yeah my team is strong, but even with the hired traditional dance group, the Gumbis are stronger. I also dance with my team and when Makho sees that, he dances his way towards me. When he gets to where I am at, he adorably caresses my chin before rushing back to his place. What a charmer.

The Nduna asks the famous question, “UYABUZA UMTHETHO UKUTH UGCAGCA NJE, UYAMTHANDA NA?” Which is basically translated to the law is asking that since you’re getting married, do you love this man? He asks three times and then I start a song which I was taught by Azanda. The song says “mama awungiyekele ngiqome la ngithanda khona ngoba nawe mama wazikhethela ubaba.” Zulu songs though. They are too straight forward. I sing it as I make my way to induna carrying a grass mat. I hear screams and ululations but I mize them and focus on the task at hand. I don’t wanna be distracted. When I finally get to induna, I kneel before him and present the mat. He accepts it and starts dancing around me. I then stand up and walk back to my team. I start another song “ngaba nenhlahla engaka, ngathola umuntu onothando” and I dance my way towards Makho who smiles like a kid in a candy store. He stands u and we dance together for quite sometime, entertaining each other and our audience who are cheering at us like we are celebrities.

Eventually that part of the ceremony comes to an end and I am instructed to actually Sprint to the Gumbi household in this heavy isidwaba I am wearing. Fortunately I was a runner at school and now I am fully committed to the gym, so I run to the gate and actually get there before Makho’s sisters and cousins catch me. I kneel in the middle of the opened gate. When they get to me, they pin money in my head since I won. We then move to the side and they undress me. It’s custom that a bride shouldn’t enter the household dressed in isidwaba. When I am decent, we enter the yard and I am led to a rondavel. Getting there, I find many of the family elders, my parents in law and my man. I am told to kneel beside Makho. Can these people have mercy on my knees though? They then introduce me to the ancestors and pour bile on top of my head, wrists and ankles. Then an isiphandla (bracelet made of goat skin) and another part of inyongo (the bile) is inserted in wrist. They cover those things with a handkerchief.

“Makoti, we officially welcome you to this family. This is going to be your home from today until the day you die. You are one of us now. We want you to know that no one in this family will ever disrespect you or discriminate you because of your tribe. If something like that ever happens, we need you to report it to any elder immediately.” Makho’s grandfather states and I nod. All the male elders also say a few words to me. Then the women get up and head out. Zoe comes to me and tells me to get up. We walk to Makho’s flat.

“So I am compelled to call you ma now?” I ask in a low voice and she laughs before rolling her eyes.
“As if. But you have to call me ma in front of all these uptight people or else they will think you are ill-mannered.”
“Noted.” We both giggle. When we get to Makho’s flat, we find many women sitting in the lounge. I am once again instructed to sit on a grass mat in the middle. All eyes on me.

“This is to officially welcome you to the family’s Women’s League.” Makho’s grandmother starts off and all that women laugh. I just chuckle. “You are now our child. It is our duty to love, protect and nurture you. We understand that you know nothing about our culture and that’s a good thing. You are going to start on a clean slate. Feel at home, my child. If you have any questions, feel free to ask. We are all here to guide you and train you into being a proper Gumbi wife. I won’t talk much because you still have a few things left to do today but welcome, my love.” She opens her arms and I go hug her.

“As a Gumbi wife, in the morning, in the morning you are expected to wake up, bath and then go prepare breakfast for your grandparents, your husband’s parents, all the sisters and brothers in law which aren’t married and your husband’s aunts and uncles. Other women in this household cater to their households. So as a new bride, you are responsible for cooking for the above-mentioned people until a new bride comes in to relieve you. Luncumo can assist you if she likes. You must also prepare lunch and supper. When it comes to cleaning and washing the dishes, don’t stress about that. The kids will deal with them.” Mrs. Gumbi senior says and I nod. She is married to Mazwakhe’s older brother.

“As your mother in law and new mother,” Zoe states. “It is my duty to give you a Zulu name. So I am going to name you Makhosazana Gumbi. A little birdie whispered it in my ear.” I know who did. “You are my friend before you are my daughter in law and I don’t want that to change. MAKHOSONKE is my son, my first born and proof of my fertility. I love him very much but I love you more because you make him happy. You bring peace in his life. You also boost his confidence and ego. You love him for who he is not what he has. So I will forever be indebted to you. With that being said, if you ever encounter problems and you don’t know who to turn to, just know that my door will be always open and my shoulders are strong, you can lean on them anytime.” Zoe though. I go hug her and she smiles at me.

“I am just glad to have a daughter in law from another country.” Makho’s aunt comments And all the women chuckle. “Feel free to cook your Nigerian food, I am always ready to try out new things. As long as it’s not worms.” We all laugh. Why are people always trashing mopane worms? Especially Zulu people.

“You will be taught everything as time goes by, makoti. Just note that where there is a small to medium ceremony in this family, you are required to come early and be hands on with the preparations and cooking. When it’s a big occasion like this one, we usually hire a catering company. All this week, you are going to do your wife duties wearing the clothes the family gifted you with during umembeso.” Mrs. Gumbi senior adds and I nod.

“Before we close, Makhosazana, don’t starve my nephew.” Mrs. Mncube, Vusikhaya's wife chirps in and all the women laugh. “I am serious. He must be well fed top and bottom. But only willingly. He shouldn’t force himself on your or else I will shave his head.” Zoe laughs.

The women say their farewells and one by one, they exit but not before shaking my hand or kissing my cheek. As the last one closes the door, I sigh and stand up. Azanda walks in with my dress in its cover.
“We literally have no time to waste. You need to bath and then do your make-up fast before getting dressed. We need pictures of your outfits together with your husband.” She sounds like one of the planning twins. I wonder where they are.

Quickly, I head to the bedroom, retrieve my toiletry bag and then go take a quick shower. I make sure to scrape off the black polish from isidwaba before rinsing myself. I lotion and then wear a white robe. When I reenter the bedroom, I find my makeup artist, Sambulo Mpanza already setting up.

“Hey babes.” He greets me and we share a hug.
“How was the journey?” I also saw Sambulo's work on Instagram and I just liked it. He is from Mtuba but is a biochemistry student at Unizulu.
“Long but not too boring. The driver kept me entertained.” He wiggles his eyebrows and I laugh. I wonder what he did to that poor driver. “We can start now if you’re ready just to save time.”

“Okay love.” I sit down and he starts doing his magic. Sambulo is very vocal. He tells me a lot while he does my make up. He is friendly and welcoming. When he is done with my face, he takes a lot of pictures and videos and then he collects his equipment. Azanda comes and helps me with my dress. When I am done, my bridesmaids also come and as crazy as they are, they start taking videos and pictures but not before gushing about my dress and make up. One of the photographers has been following me around all day taking so may pictures. I can’t wait to see the after all this is done.

“Here is your special package.” Azanda hands me something covered in a white handkerchief. She winks at me.
“Thank you.” I whisper.

They start a song and then we head out. Mawande comes to us and leads us to where everyone is at. I notice a lot of guests. Like maybe more than 200, but Makho said I shouldn’t be surprised. People in the rurals invite each other. They don’t wait for a formal invitation. We sit down with my bridesmaids and I watch as they gift my in-laws one by one. When they are done with the Gumbis except for the main negotiator and my husband, they move onto the Mncube family. You can see that they weren’t expecting this. They are all genuinely surprised and pleased.

They then call umkhongi omkhulu, gift him and move onto my husband, the star of the show. He looks very handsome. His suit is the same colour and pattern as my dress. Azanda is the one who designed it. I stand and start singing the “ngaba nenhlahla engaka” song while making my way to my husband. I imitate bathing and lotioning him as the culture states. Then I kneel before him and present him with my gift, a special bracelet with my name on it. The Zulus call it ucu. He is shock by this.


“This is confirmation to people who don’t know about be or are ignorant. From today till the day we die, you belong to me as I belong to you. Please accept this ucu as a sign of our unconditional love and undying commitment.” He smiles at me and then extends his hand. I slip the bracelet on.

“I will forever honor this item, my love.” He kneels before me and then hugs me. What more could a woman want?