It was hard trying to continue life normally. No part of our life felt normal.
The first couple days were impossible to navigate, since there was maybe possibly five minutes in the day that I wasn't sobbing.
Jenna, Carter, Sam, and Juniper were the only reason I was even remotely okay. Having Sam, Nate, Corey, Jake, and Devyn here made things so much easier.
The kids were having a hard time with it but I could feel them trying to be better for my sake.
We all slept in my bed at night since I could stand to sleep in Colby and I's bed by myself. It was also because we had so many people staying with us.
Devyn and Corey slept in the guest room, Sam slept in little Sam's room, Nate slept in Jenna's room, and Jake slept in Carter's.
They were really helpful in the moments where I couldn't fake it. The moments that I couldn't pretend to be okay.
Moments like right now.
I couldn't get out of bed today, and I couldn't stop crying no matter how hard I tried.
Every part of my soul was broken from this and as much as I tried to be strong, it was the hardest thing I've ever been through.
I was itching to get some drugs and numb the pain but I couldn't fall into that trap.
Today was my second appointment for the baby and I was freaking out about it. There was now so much pressure for this baby to live because it was the one thing that could keep me connected to Colby.
"Jules.." Sam said as he walked into the room. "No." I whispered, keeping my eyes on the wall I've been staring at for hours.
"Hey..I know this is hard but you have your appointment." He said and sat on the bed with me.
"Don't you miss him?" I asked and looked over at him. "More than anything. He was my best friend, but we kind of had a pact." He explained as I turned to look at him.
"We promised to not cry or be upset when the other person died. We knew what we were getting into when we started this." He said with a sigh.
"You were faced with an impossible choice and Colby wouldn't have wanted it any other way, just trust me." He said as I shook my head.
"I should have killed myself." I said as he shook his head. "That's the worst thing you could have done. Understand?" He asked as I shook my head.
"No." I said as he sighed. "It'll take some time to understand but for now we need to get your baby checked out." Sam said as I nodded.
"Can we bring Juniper? She's the most fragile about everything going on. I don't wanna leave her." I said quietly.
"Yeah, of course. Does she know about it?" He asked as I nodded. "She's the only one." I said and stood up, going towards the closet.
I knew I probably should have just told the other kids since they were going to find out eventually.
Maybe I would tell them at Thanksgiving.
I got dressed, putting one of Colby's shirts on. I had to be careful about wearing them, because I didn't want to wear them too often.
I didn't want to lose the smell of him.
"Ready?" Sam asked as I sniffled. "No." I mumbled as he nodded. "I know it's hard. You're handling it better than I expected though." He said as I sighed.
Honestly, if I didn't have to take care of the kids I would be on a bender, probably about to jump off a bridge.
I had to pretend I was okay so that everyone else could heal.
