"Jule." Little Sam whispered as he shook me awake. "Hm?" I asked and cracked my eyes open.
"I had a nightmare again." He said quietly, causing me to frown and unwrap my arms from Juniper so I could sit up.
"Balcony." I whispered and pointed towards the doors.
We carefully got out of bed and made our way to the balcony so we wouldn't wake up the other kids.
"Wanna talk about it?" I asked and sat down, yawning. "I just miss Colby." He said as I nodded.
"I know, I'm sorry." I said quietly then opened my arms to give him a hug.
"I hate seeing you so sad." He said and hugged me tightly. "I deserve it, Sam. I deserve the sadness. You don't." I said with a sigh.
"Why would you say that?" He asked and pulled away to look at me.
"I just do." I said then reached over and smoothed his hair back.
"Did you wanna talk about your nightmare?" I asked as he shook his head. "Not really." He said as I sighed.
"You can talk about anything with me, even if it might make me sad." I said as he nodded.
"Yeah, I know." Sam said as Carter opened the door. "Are you guys okay?" He asked as I nodded. "Did we wake you?" I asked and stood up.
"Kinda. Having five people sleeping in the same bed kinda sucks." He said as I nodded.
"I know...you guys can go back to bed. I think I'm gonna go downstairs for a little bit." I said causing them to both look at me with concern.
"I'll be okay." I said then led the way back inside. I did this so they wouldn't argue with me, since Jenna and Juniper were still asleep.
Once we were inside I turned around and gave each of them a long tight hug.
Since Colby died, I've been so worried about making sure I showed how much I loved and cared for my family.
I didn't want this decision to put any strain on out relationship since it wasn't their fault for the choice I made.
I didn't want to resent them.
"Goodnight." I whispered then kissed each their heads before I left the room to go downstairs. I knew I needed to set up for Thanksgiving today but I knew Devyn and Jenna would want to help with that.
Although it was going to hurt, I knew I needed to go through the pictures and memories for Colby's funeral tomorrow.
When I got downstairs I went to sit on the couch, and pulled my phone out.
I could already feel my heart aching as I pulled up the photo app on my phone.
A tear slipped down my cheek, looking at a picture we took only a couple months ago. It was the last picture we ever took together.
We were laying on the very couch I was sitting on, Colby's arm was slung around me while I leaned back against his chest.
I remembered the memory so fondly. We were just watching a movie when Jenna came down.
She was usually quick to tell us we were gross for showing affection, but this day she wanted to take a picture of us.
It's almost like she knew it would be one of our last memories together.
My heart ached as I went through the photos, putting the ones I wanted into a folder to send to Devyn.
I have been procrastinating this because it made it too real. I didn't want to really say goodbye.
