Thomas Sangster Imagines

#43 Depression ( Part 1 )

(If this happens to be triggering, i apologize.) 

It eats you away like a daily meal, sucking the self confidence from your flesh. It was horrible, it drained you. It eliminated every inch of self worth you ever had. 

You couldnt help but feel like it was going to last forever. The loss of your fiance had been so horrible, you never forgave yourself. It had been 5 months since you lost the love of your life Thomas Sangster. 

Outside of therapy, you isolated yourself at home. The blinds closed and every opportunity shut down. You had therapy three times a week, you were almost at your breaking point and everyone knew it. 

You wanted to leave, you wanted to die. Depression had been in your veins since you were born but when you met Thomas... well you got better. You felt better. He sparked that security and self worth. But now that he was gone, the voices were back. and they were louder and hungrier then ever.

You sat there, sinking into the chair.

"How do you feel today y/n?" Your therapist asked you.

"How do i feel?" You snapped your head up to look at him. 

"yes, thats right.. how do YOU feel?" He nodded.

"Mentally or physically?" You asked raising an eyebrow. 

"Both" The man said, a slight smile placed across his lips.

"Well physically im fine." You said blankly. "Mentally?" You stood silent for a second. "You wanna know how i feel?" You stared at him, squinting your eyes slightly. "alright lets see.. In the past week ive been prescribed anti-depressants, adderall, medication to lower my heart rate.. I think im doing alright. Except for the fact that none of the bullshit you give me helps me. These voices, in my head. They're real. They're out to get me. They're coming. You cant stop them, so stop trying. How i feel? well thats a different story. I feel incomplete." 

"without Thomas?" The man interrupted you and wrote something in his note pad.

"Without love" You said nearly spitting your words. "Without love then who are we? My parents aint around anymore, that train left a long time ago. Who are we without that little sense that maybe someone out there loves us, Maybe we're appreciated.. accepted. When you arent love or you DONT love then who the hell are you? you arent you, thats for sure. Nobody cares" you spit your worlds harshly. "This generation doesnt care whether you live or you die. Its up to you and you only. Nobody can stop the voices and nobody can stop the depression or the anxiety or the insomnia. Nobody can force me to sleep." By now you were standing up, your hands on his desk and you leaned over his desk slightly. "nobody gives a living shit."

"Thomas did.." The man stared at you, as if this was normal. 

You stood up straight, your hands slipping off the desk and your eyes going clear of sin. 

"well hes gone now" You said choking back your tears, choking back every emotion. With that, you stood up and left the room to go home. It was time.. The voices were to loud and the monsters were so hungry. 

You couldnt take it anymore.

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Only part 1, i apologize if this may have triggered anyone. This is basically my viewpoint on what depression is, i could say alot more but i tried to keep the limit in about 500 words for the first part. 

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