Intent [Wattys 2017]

Chapter 15

Emma

It's been two weeks since Harry picked me up in the rain, since our argument in his car and since my appointment with Dr. McCarthy.

You would think that after two weeks of bottomless wine, mountains of chinese take out, and one almost admission of my feelings I would be a little closer to telling Harry how I feel but nope. I am not the tiniest bit closer to even making a decision to actually tell him let alone telling him. And a lot of it does have to do with my own stubbornness but Haz isn't completely blameless in this either.

During the past few weeks he has been, for lack of a better more specific word, weird.

It's like we do all the same things, act the same way but we are 'pleasant' to each other. Like acquaintances who just keep seeing each other around and decide rather than be awkward about it try and make things work.

That's what we are doing, well what we are trying to make our current situation be which truly ridiculous because we weren't even like that when we first saw each other our first day here after years of being apart.

And it's not as if we are doing different things. We still do that same things, go to class, get food together, hang out at Fletchers downing a few drinks before daring the other person to try and score with some unsuspecting person that catches our eye. Same old same old but it's still different.

It's like the air around us is stale, like time standing still and speeding forward at the same time.

The butterflies that have been springing up when I get close to him have turned into this naggy achy feeling when he's near and I don't know what I can do to relieve it.

"Earth to Emma" a pair of hands waving in front of my face pull me out of my train to thought. "You were deep in thought, what's up with you?"

"Oh, sorry. Honestly I don't know what's going on right now." I say to her, rubbing my hands over my face and sitting back in my desk chair before reclaiming my cup of hot chocolate.

Across the table Lina gives me the eye, willing me to tell her what's going one. She has this ability to get you to do things, spill your deepest darkest secret without a single word from her.

I remember the first time it happened. It had only been two weeks since I arrived at boarding school and I had gone the entire time without having a single nightmare luckily because Lina was my over nosey roommate. Of course my streak of peaceful nights came to an abrupt end when I woke up hysterically crying one night.

Lina being the overly caring and warmhearted woman she was held me for what seemed like hours as I just cried on her shoulder. It was when my eyes were finally dry that I looked up at her and she gave me the same eyes she is giving me now. The 'tell-me-what's-going-on-I'm-always-here-for-you' eyes that made me spill my entire past to her that night in boarding school. It was one of the scariest things I've done, telling her the story of that night with my dad and thankfully, she was still around.

"He's been just so odd lately."

"Who?" What to do you mean who?

"Harry, Lina, who else would I be talking about?"

"Well I don't know..." giving me a smirk from across the table.  "Ok, so how is Harry acting odd?"

"It's not that he's even doing anything unusual, it's all just odd."

"Well that's incredibly vague and interesting."

"Hey, are you gonna help me or not?" I'm getting frustrated, not that I even know what's happening but since Harry isn't around for me to argue with Lina will just have to do.

"One" she says sticking her pointer finger out taking note of her first point "you don't have to snap at me and two I've been trying to get you and Harry to filling relieve the dense sexual tension between you two for ages" leaning back in her chair, having finished her little speech.

I know at this moment that I am not gonna get the answer I want from her. It's true she has been trying to get me to do something with Harry for ages but I'm not ready to admit it. Maybe because I know how Harry is with girls, not unsimilar to me and how I act with guys but the thought of him hurting me is worse than longing for him until it hurts like right now. A part of me knows that he would be different with me but I'm still afraid, and not just of him, I am terribly screwed up as well.

"There's no sexual tension" I mumble to her.

She just looks at me, almost as if she is reading my mind and her next words confirm it, "he's not gonna hurt you like your dad did, you know that right?"

I don't answer her, I can't. Of course I know that he wouldn't. Harry is my light at the end of the tunnel, my port in the storm, my silver lining. He is everything I have that is safe and comfortable in my life and to jeopardize that for some feeling that I might have just seems foolish.

Yes, being with him could be the best thing to happen to me, I know that. To know Harry on that deeper level sends my heart aflutter, his fingertips roaming across my body, his lips nipping at my neck and ear, his body pressed against mine, sounds like heaven...but what if something goes wrong? What if I hurt him by being me?

I mean I was the one who hurt my mother by being the cause of my dad's departure of my our lives. I'm the one who can't seem to sleep through the night, I'm the one with the screwed up past and emotions and Harry just deserves so much more than little old me. And no matter what Lina says Haz would soon realize all this and walk away or worse, stay around just trying to make me happy while he remains miserable. I can't do that to us, to him. It's settled, just friends. 

"So what do you have planned for tomorrow? The big 22!" Lina asks changing the subject.

"Well now that you mention it Harry was supposed to come over but things being the way things are, I don't know if that's happening anymore."

"If I know Harry, and we both know I do especially when it comes to you, I think things will be fine tomorrow" she says with a smirk that tells me she's up to now good before she pulls out her phone.

"Lina what are you up to?"

"Nothing" looking back up at me "Henry just texted me" not being able to contain her smile.

"Well that's a load of bullshit, but thank you." And with a final wink form Lina I return back to the laptop in front of me. I know that the girl across from me, my best friend is up to something but the glimmer of excitement that springs up in my core is reason enough to not push her anymore.

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A/N: Short chapter I know, but I've been at work for the past week and I just wanted to get a little something out before I continue with all the juicy stuff which I promise is coming next chapter.

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All the love, C.