Intent [Wattys 2017]

Chapter 39

Emma

I don't know why I gave into him so easily? Last night I came here to yell in his face, to make him feel the hurt if felt and ashamed by what he did but I couldn't. All I wanted to do was tell him what a wanker he is for standing me up before storming out of the apartment and not looking back. Yes I want answers but last night I didn't care, I wanted to yell and then leave, that's all.

But I didn't, I barely did any of those things.

I stood in his apartment for hours just waiting while he did god knows what back at the bar.

Oh god what was he doing, was he with a girl? Or was he just sitting by himself at the pub instead of being with me.

Honestly I don't know which one is worse. Not spending time with me because he was preoccupied or rather spending time by himself, lonely and without me.

There are too many questions and I have no fucking answers.

Not one single explanation and yet I am laying in his arms under his dark covers finding comfort in the warmth of the guy who couldn't be bothered to follow through on a simple plan.

I'm such a prat aren't I? A sad desperate prat.

I should have left a few hours ago. I want to leave this situation right now. Slip out from under his arms without him knowing and escape into the cool early hours of the morning.

I just couldn't leave, not when he showed up a few hours ago and not now.

It was the look on his face when he saw me. No it was actually the moment before he even
noticed I was here. His head was hung low, looking down at the floor as he stepped through his creeky door looking so exhausted and desperate and broken. I felt for him even though I know I shouldn't have.

God!!!!

I had every intention of just yelling at him last night. Maybe hearing his pathetic explanations and then storming right out of there. But now here I am in the early hours of the morning with him wrapped around me. Again, I am so pathetic!

What did he mean 'Liam and Louis got in his head'?

What did he mean he said 'I don't know what happened (to me) before'?

If it was anyone else I would demand an answer, yell and scream until he explained himself but he doesn't know anything so what could he possibly say? Maybe he just said it to say something? Just assuming that something's happened in the past, everyone has a past right?

I should be angrier than I am. Yes I'm really pissed but should I be so pissed off that I have already stormed out a few hours ago instead of succumbing to his boyish yet overbearing charms? I wish I was stronger but when he held me in his arms, even when I was pushing him away, I felt safe and I have rarely felt that way with anyone, if ever. I just couldn't help it, I had to stay.

Yes I'm so scared that he might hurt me again especially since he has all the power, I feel this mix of helplessness and security with him. I can go to him for anything but when it comes to matters of the heart (and yes I hate that I just used that saying) he can shatter me into a million little pieces and then where would I be?

Alone and even more pathetic than I already am. I already have such a hard time letting people in. Jesus, the only person I have told everything to is Lina, not even the guy I am in bed with, and I only told her after five straight nights of waking up crying and whimpering from my nightmares, and with her mosey tendencies I didn't really have a choice.

Maybe I should tell Harry about what happened with my father? I don't know.

Yes I want Harry to know me, my fears and whatever else makes me me but I feel safe now in his arms. I feel good being with him and the way he looks at me with that glimpse or awe and adoration and I just know if I tell him that will change. His eyes will be different, they won't have that emerald sparkle gazing down at me but that of pity, like he needs to protect me from everything, even from what happened back then.

No I won't tell him. We're fine with the way things are. Well as fine as we can be after last night.

Jeez it's hot. Too hot and I need to get out of this. His arms wrapped around me, legs tangled with mine, my body flushed against his.

My whole body is heating up like a volcano beginning to blow. It's too hot in here I need to get out. I try to wiggle out of his tight hold, he's a bear of a sleeper he won't wake up.

I try, with everything that I have, to not make a sound or move him to drastically and wake him. Untangling our legs was simple enough but his grip around my waist is so tight there is no way I can slide away easily. Gently I pull on his forearm that's draped over my stomach and roll out of his hold. Thank god, not even an eye flutter from him. Sliding off the side of his mattress I know I've made it. I know it's silly, I should just stay comfortable and fall back to sleep given how damn early it is but what can I say, with all these damn emotions running through my head the urge to pee overtakes them all.

Looking in the mirror I look different. I don't know what it is. Maybe it's sleeping next to him. Maybe it's the adrenaline of yelling at him only a few hours ago. Maybe it's the blinding fear that he may hurt me or worse I hurt him.

I know only one thing can help me with all these questions and it's the damn dimpled faced, chestnut haired boy laying out in the bed just across the hall.

As I exit the bathroom and reenter the bedroom I take a moment to just look at him. He really is crazy attractive. With that chiseled jaw of his and the tattoos covering his chest and arms, that are perfectly visible for my viewing pleasure right now given I pulled his blankets back to get out, I'm hit with the realization of just how irresistible he really is, no matter how angry I am at him.

Am I an idiot for feeling that way? I mean we can all agree I pathetic for letting him make me feel better but is it idiotic?

As I just stand here contemplating the idiocies in my life I'm quickly pulled from my thoughts by...
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A/N: sorry for the cliffhanger. I'm writing this on my phone (at work) and thought a nice cliff hanger would be appropriate.

Hope you enjoyed this inside look at what Emma's actually feeling.

More to come soon!!

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All the love, C