Intent [Wattys 2017]

Chapter 78

Harry

I thought she was going to say it.

I wanted her to so badly.

Time and time again she's said she needs time. Needs a moment, to figure herself out I guess, but I already know. Emma wouldn't be here if she didn't feel the same way for me as I feel for her. Doesn't mean she realizes it herself yet but she does deep down.

It kills me that she won't say it though, that she still doesn't trust herself or her feelings or me enough to say it. I just want her to be comfortable with me but she isn't, not yet at least.

But today was bigger than that no matter how painful it is to admit.

My Emma is doing everything right and I don't even think she knows it, how great she's been. All day Em's been perfect, a little nervous but perfect.

And now she's right here, kneeling in front of me. The irony is not lost on me given I was in the same exact position not too long ago saying those three words that she's so tentative to admit.

I respect that she needs time but if losing my nan has taught me anything it's that you need to keep your loved ones close and let them know how much they mean to you every chance you can.

But, again, there is still this thing, this uncertainty holding her back and I'm desperately trying to find it but I'm failing at every turn.

One day...she'll tell me one day.

Slowly I roll her petite and steady hands in mine, making a point to rub my thumbs deep into her palms, staring down at the movement.

Every little ounce of her, even her fingertips, draw me in. We're like two magnets that can't keep apart.

"Harry" she whispers at me, her soft tone a welcome change to the insecurity that's still making camp in the back of my mind. That's all blown away when I feel her move up and rest her forehead against mine and that connection, that contact, is literally all I need to know for certain.

Somehow we're good, we're still Em and Harry.

"Don't leave." I struggle to get out as the little air left in me gets caught in my throat.

"I won't Harry, not ever...promise."

I focus back on her eyes and find that the crystal blue color that I've fallen in love with is already so perfectly fixed on mine, just waiting for me. Right now Em looks so calm, so lovely and open although she isn't, not fully.

She doesn't get it yet, how much I love her and more so how much she deserves that kind of love.

It saddens me to no end.

She should've had that growing up. That certainty that someone loves her the way a child should be. I had buckets and buckets of that but Emma... all I can remember is her mother was too much of an emotional basketcase to be effective and her father was too busy working to be very present. It was up to me to show her, give her the love that she needed and I couldn't do that back then.

I'll spend the rest of my life showing her how much she's loved. It's what I'm here for. It's why after all those years apart we ended up at the same bloody school and starting right where we left off.

Moving my hands up her arms and shoulders, they finally land on her cheeks. I hold her delicately in my hands, like she is the most precious thing in the entire world.

Well she is to me.

"You don't get it." Her eyes crease fractionally but she lets me continue.