Intent [Wattys 2017]

Chapter 75

Emma

What the hell just happened?

My head is pounding. My stomach is in knots. And I have no fucking answers.

What the hell just happened?

That's all I can manage to think.

One minute he has me pinned against the wall with that big goofy smile of his and the next he's telling me his nan is dead and that it's all my fault.

I don't think I've ever felt this low, this devastated. And it's not for the reason you think. Of course I'm upset with what he said but it's his grief-stricken expression that I see everytime I close my eyes.

There was no light and no joy, nothing that made him him. There was only deep sadness.

I'm beside myself as how to remedy it. I can't even manage to get up from my spot on the bed.

I've never seen him so upset, so torn up and distraught.

When Harry loves, he does so with everything he has. That's why when he told me he loved me it scared the living shit out of me. Still does every time he says it actually. Harry loves so deeply that I don't know if anyone could ever come close to loving him as much if they were in my position, let alone someone like me.

I'm completely incapable.

Shit Emma this isn't about you, it's about Harry! I yell at myself, running my palms over my face to relieve some of the tension.

Doesn't work if you were wondering.

I hate that this is so hard for him, he absolutely adored his nan.

I feel so bad that he wasn't there to say goodbye. Of course I do, I have a heart and he'll never get that moment back but blaming me for it was completely uncalled for.

How does he expect me tell him things about my past after how he treated me?

This whole thing just makes me think. How would he react if I revealed something so big? Would he lash out again? Say it's my fault? Be done with once and for all?

I know he was upset but it makes revealing everything to him so much harder.

Of course that is if Harry even wants to know anymore. From what he said he doesn't want to deal with all your emotional bullshit for one second longer.

My heart seizes and my breath catches in my throat, a recognizable feeling. This better not be happening. I just went a whole polo game without any asthma problems I am not having an attack now.

I start pacing around my room, just as Harry was doing earlier, to try and steady my breathing. Although I have my inhaler in hand and at the ready.

Things were so good, how can this be happening now.

It's an impossible situation.

Harry is always so calm, cool, and collected in moments of crisis but there wasn't a glimpse of that man today. I never thought that Harry would react so viciously when life goes tits up, as it did today, and I could have never imagined that I would be his target for blame.

He's said he doesn't want to hurt me but he did, and I'm a tough nut to crack. I'm ridiculously insensitive but Harry's words broke right through.

I'm completely numb. Where the hell did all the come from anyway?

He was obviously harboring all those feelings for awhile and I never even noticed.

I always felt like a selfish girlfriend but I didn't think he felt so strongly about it as well. If I was a little more attentive to his feelings maybe I would have noticed how unhappy he was. I'm sure of it. I was so wrapped up in myself and worried about keeping things from him that I barely noticed how I was ruining him.