Intent [Wattys 2017]

Chapter 82

Harry

Where the hell is she?

I knew I would get here before her since I assume she's taking the fucking train but seriously, 3 hours?

As soon as she left my room I realized what a colossal mistake I had made letting her go like that.

I got dressed as fast as I could, and when I say 'got dressed' I mean stumbling around my room like a headless chicken pulling on last night's wrinkled pants and an old undershirt as I stumbled down the stairs. I didn't even bother putting on shoes before I ran out the door.

Utterly hopeless though. Em was already gone by the time I got myself outside into the cold winter air.

It was fucking freezy and I could barely feel it.

I looked around for her but by the way she was itching to get out of my presence I knew she was already long gone and I had only given her a minute head start.

How could I have been so stupid?

It's no consolation but I really have no excuse this time, at least nothing that is good enough and quite honestly I don't even want to try. She deserves so much more than me and my bullshit.

I just want her back.

Everything was in place, we were good. Em met my family and she fit in perfectly. They loved her. It all just felt so bloody right and then I had to go and cock it all up again.

Seriously at times I have no idea how I managed to get accepted into Oxford in the first place given my blatant stupidity as demonstrated with my recent actions towards Emma. The only reason I can think of surrounding my acceptance is so that Emma and I could be reunited.

Might be a bit romantic of me to believe in something as silly as that but if it wasn't for school I wouldn't be with her now.

Technically you're not with her.

I wish I had never even met Jessica that night. That I hadn't gotten drunk and kissed her and brought her home. We didn't have sex, I was too far gone by that point. The two of us just passed out in bed beside each other but that one night, that one decision lead to this fuck up.

If I hadn't of done that we wouldn't be here. My heart wouldn't be tight in my chest, banging mercilessly against my rib cage. My calms wouldn't be clammy not matter how many times I brush it through my hair. Honestly I feel like I'm going to be sick.

I just want her back but I don't deserve it. Don't think I ever did.

There is no part of me that wants Jess. Not for one moment have I thought about her in anyway other than a little blip in my romantic past. There was nothing between us, not ever. She was just a warm body, a girl in the right place at the right time one night after fighting with Em. Our time together meant nothing more to me than that. Jess was just a girl, it was never anything more than that.

But now here we are.

Frantic, I said goodbye to my family and got to school as fast as I could. The whole trip over I couldn't control the ache in my chest. The dread that when I found her I wouldn't be able to make this right. Of course that is if I found her at all.

Emma was so furious with me. So hurt, it was written all over her face. I can't get the image of her out of my mind.

I've been really good at fucking this all up haven't I?

The past few days I have been in really fair form, fuck I'm a dick.

I thought I knew what it felt to be hopeless. That's all I felt remembering Em's face after I had yelled at her when I found out about my nan. Honestly I never thought she'd forgive me for that.