Spencer Reid One Shots

Piece Of My Heart - Three (Jealous)

"I'm jealous of the rain
That falls upon your skin
It's closer than my hands have been
I'm jealous of the rain"

Spencer watched her across the park, laughing and joking with her friends.

He wasn't following her, he hadn't even realised she'd be here. But she was here. She hadn't spotted him though. And he hoped she wouldn't.

She looked.... happy.

And that killed him inside.

It wasn't like he wanted her to be unhappy, he just hoped.... Well, he'd hoped that maybe she wouldn't be quite as happy without him as she looked.

The last few months of their relationship had been had and although he'd hated to admit it, she'd been right to end it when she did. They couldn't go on like they'd be doing. They'd been tip toeing around each other since she'd admitted that she did in fact want children, and he'd held fast to the notion that he didn't.

But since she'd left, he'd started to question himself. Maybe this was something he could change, maybe this was something he wanted to change.

He'd been spending more time with JJ and Henry, doing more research into his Moms condition and re reading texts he'd read over and over before. He wasn't one hundred percent as set on his decision as he was before. He was starting to doubt himself, starting to thing that maybe he did want a mini version of him running around. But the only person he'd want that with was her. And she'd left him.

He watched her pushing her friends daughter on the swing, smiling, the light summer breeze catching in her hair.

"I'm jealous of the wind
That ripples through your clothes
It's closer than your shadow
Oh, I'm jealous of the wind,"

How was she this happy already? When everytime he thought of her his heart broke again.

It wasn't fair.

She was happy without him. She shouldn't be.

"I wished you the best of
All this world could give
And I told you when you left me
There's nothing to forgive"

She'd lifted her friends daughter off the swing now and they were climbing up the steps to the slide together, the little girls hand in hers.

He was suddenly jealous of the child, getting to be that close to her, to hold her hand as tight as she was.

He was jealous of a child? Fucking hell, Reid.

"But I always thought you'd come back, tell me all you found was
Heartbreak and misery
It's hard for me to say, I'm jealous of the way
You're happy without me"

Come on. Get it together, he told himself.

He watched her for a while longer before taking himself off home.

...

The nights were the hardest, when he was alone. He wondered what she was doing, who she was doing it with.

Had she moved on to another man? Had she forgotten him so quickly.

Did she love another already?

He couldn't bring himself to imagine someone else laying next to her, where he should have been. Someone else kissing and caressing her, holding her tightly as she slept.

It made him feel sick to his stomach.

He had to stop himself checking her Facebook daily. He allowed himself to check it once a week. Just to see what she was up to. So far there was no mention of another new significant other, but then even when they'd been together she'd never been one for flaunting things on social media.

She was out, tagged in at a local bar with her friends. One of them had posted some photos of the group out already. She was stood next to another guy, his arm around her waist and a huge smile on both of their faces.

"As I sink in the sand
Watch you slip through my hands
Oh, as I die here another day
Cause all I do is cry behind this smile"

He came off the Facebook app, feeling saddened. He needed to stop doing this to himself.

It didn't matter now, she was obviously over him. It didn't matter that his thoughts and feeling were changing. He'd told her that he'd do anything to make her happy, and at the time she'd told him that he'd be making himself unhappy to stop her from leaving.

She'd been right, he WOULD have said anything to stop her walking out that door. But now, he was realising that marriage and kids were perhaps something he wanted too. What use was it now though?

"I wished you the best of
All this world could give
And I told you when you left me
There's nothing to forgive
But I always thought you'd come back, tell me all you found was
Heartbreak and misery
It's hard for me to say, I'm jealous of the way
You're happy without me"

He rolled over, trying to sleep. Pushing all thoughts of her away, out of his mind.

Trying not to think of the life they could have and should have had together.

...

His phone was ringing. Who was calling him?

By the time he'd woken up fully and reached for it, the caller had disconnected, the voicemail icon flashing. He dialed in to receive it.

"Spencer.... It's me. I.... I'm drunk.... I miss you so much.... I'm sorry. I don't even know why I'm calling you, I just needed to hear your voice. I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have called. I've had too much to drink. I'm gonna go home."

She missed him.

Maybe...

Maybe it wasn't too late.