Destined with the Bad Girl ➸ Camren Fanfic

The Letter

You're not mine, and even still you move me in such a way that I lose all control.
- perry poetry

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Chapter 52
Camila's POV

Dear Camz,

I don't know how to start this letter aside from saying how sorry I am for everything that I've done. As I write this letter to you it's raining hard outside. Funny because my eyes are mirroring the heavy rain. The tears won't stop from falling no matter how hard I try to hold it back. And my heart... it won't stop from breaking. I'm falling apart, and I don't know how to stop it from happening. You'll probably see the stain of my tears in this letter and I apologize for that.

What I've done tonight is unforgivable and I know that. I won't ask for your forgiveness because I know I don't deserve it. But I just want you to hear me out, at least in this letter. You gave me two weeks of freedom, Camz. You didn't call, you didn't text, and it makes me go crazy and my head keeps fucking me up with the thought of you not wanting me anymore. I can't describe what I've felt every single day that you're not in my arms; I was terrified. I was extremely scared that one day I'll see you at my front door saying you don't want me anymore. To hear you say you give up on me because you're tired and you finally found someone who's far more better than me. I mean, I've been a burden to you. And I know sometimes you get very exhausted— being in a relationship with someone that you also have to parent. Every night, I lay wide awake. I can't stop thinking about us. We were happy, Camz. I remember every dreams we used to dreamed together, all the wishes we've made. When your hand is interwined with mine. When it's your smile I always see and not the tears in your eyes. I always think about us all the time. And every night while you were sleeping, I was drowning in tears. I wanted to wake you up and tell you: "Camz, I've lost the girl you fell In love with. I lost her.". But I can't say it. I'm scared. I'm so scared that you will leave me. To leave and never come back. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry for weighing you down. I'm sorry that you always have to carry me. I'm sorry for being weak. I'm sorry for being a burden to you. I'm sorry for being a failure.

I was angry. Angry that you're gone and left me out in the cold all alone. I am angry but not to you; I'm angry with myself. Why I couldn't change. Why I keep hurting you. Why I couldn't forgive myself. I'm angry at the world for taking everything I love away from me, for always making me feel alone, for always reminding me this is what I deserved. I wanted to be mad at you and hate you for leaving me. I wanted to say ''You're selfish'' and ''If you can leave just like that and replace me with someone else like I'm nothing then I can easily do the same thing''. I wanted to yell at you and curse the hell out of you... but I couldn't do it. I could never hate you. I made myself believe that I did. That I don't want to see you and that I'm way more happier with someone else because hating you is the only way I know to survive cause deep in my heart I only know one single truth; I'm not strong, not when I'm with you. Not when your hand intertwined with mine.

Normani came to our house tonight. She's the one who helped me understand everything— to see the truth without being blinded by love; the painful truth of which, of all people, I'm the one who's destroying you, consuming every last bit of yourself. I cannot be selfish anymore, Camz. I can no longer watch you suffer. I can no longer see you miserable knowing you can't function properly without me. This is not how love should be. It shouldn't kill you, ruin you, or make you question everything. I don't want to see you cry and get hurt because of me again. Maybe without me, you'll finally be happy.

This is a goodbye letter to our love and a greeting for a new beginning of finding yourself. I want you to remember the you before us. You lose me only to find the best version of yourself you didn't know exist along the way— a better and strong you. I may be gone in your life but you're still surrounded by a lot of people who truly love you and care about you. Wise men says if we truly and deeply care for someone we really love then we should make sacrifices no matter how hard that is, no matter how painful the choices we're about to make. And Camz, seeing you be genuinely happy is not a hard choice for me. So forgive me if I have to walk away. I'm letting you go, not because I don't want you anymore or I'm tired fighting for us but because I love you. I love you so much that I want to see your dreams happening right in front of your eyes. I love you so much that no matter how bad it hurts, I'll wish you nothing but happiness even if it's not with me. I love you so much that I'm willing to set myself on fire just to see you shine.