Loving Brian | B.C

Part 1: telling the family

"It's a big move Tahnée."
"I know mum, but it's my choice. This is what I want to do, why can't you just support my decision?"
"Because I don't want to send my baby girl all the way to the other end of the world and only see her, what, once every year?"
"I promise that's not why I'm leaving." I chuckled.
"I know." My mother sighed as she pulled me in to a hug, rubbing my back. I closed my eyes as I drifted in to the abyss of closure in her embrace. I could feel her already not wanting to let me go, and the decision isn't even yet final. It's still just a dream and choice hanging in the air, but bothering me more than life itself.

I've never felt the need to move to another country just to go study what I can study in my hometown as well, so badly.
But seriously ... Albuquerque.
There's such a bigger world out there, one I want to and need to discover. Not for the sake of just wanting to do it, but so that my mind can try and create a spacious environment for me to live in.

I believe there's more for me out there than what's behind the borderline of my town. There's more I want to see in this world than the same old four walls, keeping me locked in and away from the rest of what I can do more or achieve.

"If this pulls through and you get to do it, promise me you'll do it because you need to... not because you want to."

My eyebrows furrowed together as I looked at her, trying to solve her riddle. "That's a hard one mum. I'm doing this because I want to got there but I also need to study." I chuckled and she just sighed, rubbing my shoulders one more time before leaving me sat alone on my bed.

I haven't even mentioned this to my dad yet, but I've had this idea for over a year now. I saved up a big part of my money that I got for birthdays, Christmas and work money in general.
It's a lot. But moving overseas and making a new start and living there... my money alone is not enough.

I don't know what his reaction on it all will be, but I can just try my best to explain to him why and what I want to do.

Maybe he'll come through.

I know they always say that they want just the best for us, as their kids, but sometimes you can't give everyone what they want. Sometimes the most isn't good enough and on other times the smallest thing means the world. I tend to live for the smallest just because I don't have high expectations for live now. But in the future I expect it to explode. And my parents can't always give me what I want, even though they try.

I want to do this so my eyes can open up and I can see the bigger picture in life, see the struggles and really, for once, face them all alone.
On my own.

I want to experience the deep heartbreak of one you loved so dearly but knew it could never work. I want to see with my own eyes how people out there can get, how they are and what they can do. 
I want to try new foods, meet new people, overcome my social anxiety and shyness and just be open with a stranger.
Make eye contact with a cute barista and making it a daily decision to go to that cafe and drive him crazy. Just to one day not show up or bump in to him on the streets and simply not knowing who he is.
Even though I will remember the flirting and sweet sweet glances.

I want to join a team of dancers, make a pak of friends who I know will carry me through thick and thin, even though I'm the newling to not only the crew but the whole entire country. With whom I can go out to clubs wih and stay awake till two in the morning.

It's an adventure.
One I want to go on.

I'll see how the family takes it, but at the end of the day... it is my life. It is my decision. Whether they say no and I cannot go. One day I will, and then nobody has a say.

But in order for that to happen, graduation still need to happen. And I'm a bit nervous about that. To be completely honest.
But I can only hope for the best.

-

Hours and hours later my dad came home from work. It's never really a good time to talk to him because he gets a lot of trouble with workers at work and that makes him the most unpleasant person to be around sometimes. He takes anger out on anyone or her just doesn't say a word.

And just like I suspected, that was the case.
He just walked in through the door and didn't even greet anyone. Grabbed his plate of food and sat down by the table, devouring away.

I exchanged a deeply concerned and scared look with my mother as I slowly approached him, sitting down opposite him and crossing my arms on the table. Waiting for him to notice me at some point
"Dad."
He glanced up at me before looking back down at his food. "Hello darling." He mumbled.
Even though he's blunt and unpleasant, he never treated me with disrespect.
"Can we maybe talk?" He nodded with sureness, making me calm down a bit.

"Dad I want to go to Canada after graduation. I found a good program that they set available about a few months ago for new students and exchange students or even just immigrants. It's really an amazing program and I'm deeply interested in going and attending in it. I applied and they offered me a scholarship. I know it's a big move but I-"
"I knew you were thinking about going."
When I saw his small smile as he looked up at me I felt my heart leaping straight out of my chest as my jaw practically dropped to the ground.

This is so unexpected.

"I told you at the beginning of this year that I'll try my best to give you what you want or to pay for what you need to do. And if Canada is what you desire we can always talk about it."
"Wow, uhmm.. thanks I guess? Sorry his is so unexpe dad. Mum put up and entire one woman drama show and you just simply said yes."
I rushed around to him and hugged him tightly. Thanking him over and over again.

"But you need to know that it won't be easy for you Tahnée. You'll be over there all alone, all on your own. You'll need to step out of the comfort zone and try to make friends and you'll even live on your own."
Now that he points it all out, I realize how big of a move it actually is.

"I know. And I'll try my very best. Thanks dad." I placed a deep kiss down on his cheek before rushing up to my room.
"Woohooo!" I yelled as I flopped down on my bed. Just as I rolled over to reach for my phone, I saw he picture next to my bed.
My smile immediately faded.

"Daniel." I sighed.
I need to call him, invite him over so that we can talk about this.

This may just be the hardest part.