Loving Brian | B.C

Part 66: why is it so difficult

//shawn//

Tahnée and I decided to go grab some breakfast after we drove off from the studio.

What she told me about her and her past, what Daniel did to her and the way he treated her. I don't know... but that broke me a little inside. It just proves to you that if you think you know someone... you might not. There's parts of people that they don't tell, that they just don't want to share no matter how long or how much you know of them, because it's a part of them that makes them look too vulnerable. Too weak. Too scared.

It makes them weak just to think back to it, to relive the moments in their head whilst explaining the story. And I, for one, never thought that someone like Tahnée, who seems to enjoy life to its fullest moments, would ever even think about committing suicide, take her own life permanently.
It scares me how many peopel think that way these days. That they think its the only reason, the only way out, to stop all the pain.
But it's not.

Suicide does not eliminate the chances of life getting worse, it takes away the chance of it ever getting better.

But she's better now, I can see that because she didn't give up when she felt like it at the time. No, she pushed through no matter the pain or circumstances. And for that, even though I don't even know the whole story behind the Tahnée she is today... I'm so extremely proud of her for pushing through.

We ordered our food and started talking about life and all its qualities over a warm cup of coffee. I can now fully see why Brian is so in love with her. And he's right, she's a walking ray of sunshine with a consistent smile. Whatever she tells me or whatever she does, she's so positive about all and it rubs off. It seriously rubs off. All the positivity and smiles comes over you and you just can't help but smile and laugh.

-

Later on our food arrived and the silence took over as we ate. "I know this is the fan side of me talking, but it's also the friend side, when I say that I'm so excited about this new album." I smiled immediately after I swallowed away a good piece of pancake. "I have to say I'm excited about this as well. It's extremely new and different from all the rest and— yeah. I'm stoked." She grabbed for the glass of water, looking at me with her eyes slightly squinted and I knew... I knew what was coming.

"So uhm... when will it be he-"
"Nope. Na-ah Tahnée, not gonna happen." I laughed, seeing her throwing her hands slightly up in the air as she gave up on trying. "Seriously Shawn." She laughed, "Common Tahnée, it's like the third time you tried this. Do you really think a forth time would be lucky?"
"I guess I did."
"Ha-ha. Nice try, but no." She just rolled her eyes as she laughed again.

"When are you going back home?" I asked on the more serious side of the conversation. That's what I like about hanging out with Tahnée, no matter what we can talk about deep stuff without any conversation getting awkward or out of hand. "I don't kown, I mean I hardly even know when Micheal will be leaving. But next time when I see him it'll be me going back over, I just don't know when that'll be. Maybe come this Christmas." She smiled over to me, taking the last bite of her meal.

We probably stayed there longer than expected, but it was all worth it. It's never a waste of time when you talk to people you care about and when you can fully lose yourself in time when in conversation with friends and family. And this was surely time well spent.
"Thank you for inviting me along today, Shawn. It was by far the second best day of my life here in Canada." She laughed as we got back in to the car, ready to drive off to her apartment again so that I can drop her off.

"Thank you for coming along, it was better with you here." She smiled, "Thank you for breakfast." I felt my cheeks burning red again. "No problem," she said as we took off. "It was only a pleasure."

We drove off to her apartment, a far while away from where we are now. "What was your best day here then? What happened on that day that even Shawn Mendes can't top it?" I laughed, feeling a flip in my stomach when I saw her cheeks flashing red. "It was uhm... my date with Brian." She chuckled.

I knew it.

-

Trying to pass the time, Tahnée and I did our own carpool karaoke with Illuminate and Handwritten playing off the auxiliary cable from her phone. She's spontaneously singing all the words to every song, laughing at me when I forget the lyrics and in every way I see her, she just shines.
"You know, I can now see why Brian likes you so much." I blurted out over the loud music but by the expression on her face, I could see that she never even suspected it.

How couldn't she see it?
My eyes grew big as I looked at her, feeling my heartbeat raising as I might of just said something I shouldn't have. My lips and jaw moving, stuttering, but I don't know what to say.
How can I cover up the truth?

"You joking?" She chuckled but after a slightest bit of hesitation I just shook my head. "Nope. He uh- he likes you a lot. But I shouldn't have said that." I tried to cover up but she just smiled sweetly.
"You knew all along?" I nodded.
"And you promised him that you wouldn't tell? Like you did for me?" I nodded again.

"Then— I heard nothing." She squealed a bit as she looked out the window.
This... will get exciting.

-

//brian//

I have a surprise for Tahnée. It's something I can't give to her yet, it needs to wait for like a few months, but she'll get it when the time is right.

And no doubt, I know she'll love it. She said that she wanted to do it for so long so I know she'll be surprised, and happy about this.

I spent the day at my apartment, but to my surprise Micheal showed up out of nowhere just past ten. I asked him how he knew where I lived but he just sheepishly smiled and said he did some scanning through Tahnée'a journal. "Your name appears a lot." My tummy flipped a bit as my cheeks started burning. "But mine is still topping the charts." He stated with a satisfied look on his face.
"Yeah yeah. I know I cannot top you Micheal."

We dived into bags of chips whilst playing Fortnite for almost two hours. "Okay pause pause pause, I need to go." I paused the game and jumped up to go to the bathroom, but Micheal was very surprised by my reaction. "Here." He handed me a bottle, already somewhat filled up with a off-yellow fluid.

"You've been taking a wee in that whilst we play?"
"You didn't notice?" I rolled my eyes. "That's sick Micheal—" he looked at me with sad eyes, "I love it." I took the bottle from his hands and quickly turned around.

"It's nothig new though, even Tahnée knows."
"You pee in a bottle in front of her?" He shrugged his shoulders as if it's noting. "Eh, she's use to it. And what can I say? I'm a dedicated player." I just shook my head.
She's so down to earth, bothered by nothing and that's why I like her so much. I know how badly she experienced life at times, hardly knowing all of it. But at the end she came out stronger than before.
She pushed through and that's why she's my inspiration.

"You know, I can now see why Tahnée likes you so much." Micheal blurted out as I played the game further.
"Yeah, I just still doubt if I should believe you." I chuckled. "You should and you can. She uh- she likes you a lot and she told me that too, just a few hours ago actually. But I shouldn't have said that." He tried to cover up but I just smiled sweetly.

"You knew all along how she really felt?" He nodded.
"And you promised her that you wouldn't tell her true feelings? Like you did for me?" He nodded again.
"Then— I heard nothing." I said with a feeling of my heart leaping in my chest.

She likes me.
I like her.
Why is it so difficult then?