Loving Brian | B.C

Part 51: falling... no!

//tahnée//

It's been a day since I broke things off with Daniel. A day since Brian left to get back home and now... I'm sat on the couch, contemplating about whether or not I need to call Micheal.

I picked up my phone and dialed his number. Putting it on speakerphone as I looked out over the raining view of Canada.

"Tahnée, thank god. Why didn't you answer my calls last night?"
"I just couldn't talk about it then Micheal, I'm sorry."
"It's okay."

I didn't say anything because I didn't know what to say. I scratched the nail polish on my nails as I drowned away in his silence too. I should really stop putting this stuff on my nails.
It never lasts.

"How are you?" I sighed, "Is there a way to answer that? Because I'm torn in two. I don't know how to feel."
"I hear you." He sighed too, "I wish I was there for you."
"I wish that too but maybe it's best if I have like, a few days to myself. I cut everyone off, sent everyone home. I need to think, clear my mind."
"What about Brian?"
"What about him?"
"Did you send him off too?" My silence probably gave him his answer. "Don't lose him Tahnée."
"I won't Micheal. But I don't want to lose you too and how I feel now... I feel like I'm losing everyone." I started crying.

"Please don't."
"Please don't what Micheal? Huh?"
Silence.
"Do you have any idea how it feels right now, knowing that basically everything I have left is back home, back in Albuquerque. I have nothing left to lose. Nothing!"
"Yeah well Tahnée did you ever think about how I feel, huh? Knowing I'm stuck here and you have the opportunity of living out dreams. I don't have that privilege! Do you know what it feels like to wake up every day, walking out the house and seeing yours just across the road but knowing I can't walk over cause you're not there."
I just sat there, now feeling guilty for what I said.

"But most of all, do you know how it feels to wake up every day of your life with the thought and knowing that the one person you love most, will never be yours. To walk over to you and see you but never get to be with you."

Tears rolled down my cheeks as I now wished he was here. "I'm sorry Micheal." "Don't say you're sorry, Tahnée. You know I love you and I know you love me, it's just not entirely the same love."
"But I do love you Micheal. You know you're the biggest part of my life and I'm sorry I cannot spend eternity with you."

He went silent again. His breathing audible over the phone. His sighs too.

"Do you love him? Brian?"
"I don't know..."
"Is he good to you?"
"Too good."
"Good."
"Great."

There was a small silence before we shared a laugh. "I miss you Micheal Evans, and don't ever think that I don't love you or that I forgot about you."
"Never Tahnée Summers. I love you too, and know that you're okay. It'll take time to feel okay after this but you'll get there. I know you will."
"Bye Micheal."
"Bye sis."

He hung up.

-
(Previous night)

I can't tell anyone. Who can I ever trust? Who will be there when it all comes down and I have nowhere to run, nowhere to go. I didn't fall asleep again after I called Shawn. Micheal still tries to call me so I turned my phone off. I can't deal with it all at once now.

I crawled back in bed, in under Brian's arm and just looked at him, peacefully asleep. I cupped his cheek, caressing his skin with the pad of my thumb. I looked at him with all I had. He's everything now.
All I got here.

"I have so many things I need to tell you. But how will I ever? It's hard to understand, and so many people will laugh, and I don't know why. He hurt me. He hurt me bad." I whispered to him even though he's fast asleep.
He doesn't hear it, and that's good. Most of the people I try to tell just doesn't want to listen. That's the big problem. Nobody wants to listen.
Nobody wants to hear.
"I know you'll never hurt me. I know you'll be the one, the one I've been waiting for. The one you promised me. And I'm not gonna lie to you Brian, but I believe that. I believe that this was meant to be. Are you the one?" I continued whispering.