Loving Brian | B.C

Part 35: what if

//tahnée//

I was almost behind Brian as we watched the movie. He found it incredibly funny that I was this cared, or he really enjoyed it that I was this close to him.
I could sense it.

"Brian, I can't!"
"Just look! Aah look look look!" He gasped loud and shook as he jumped with scare. "I'm glad I didn't." I mumbled in to his back.

It wasn't long after when the movie ended and a loud thunderstruck came from outside, making me yell. "Oh my god. I knew you'd be scared, but I never thought you'll be this scared." I just looked at him with big eyes as he laughed at me. I couldn't hold it, so I broke and laughed with him. "Stop it." I bumped him to the side.

"Don't worry Tahnée, its just a movie."
"Yeah, but some part of it might just express my life. And I quote, "Horror"."
I could see in his eyes he was wondering about what I'm referring to. The questions in his mind probably asking: why? how can you say that? why would you say that?

I crossed my legs on the couch as I turned to face him. Looking down at my hands. "I know I probably should've mentioned this or told you before but I never really thought that it's necessary because, well... it's not that big of a deal. Not anymore, at least but..." I let out a breath before looking up at him, seeing his eyes locked on mine.

He'll be bumped.
I know it.

"I have a b-boyfriend." I said with a disgusted expression on my face. He didn't say anything for a while but then he spoke. "Why say it like that?" "Because he's a douche. I was too blind to see it and now I don't know how to get out but we barely talk, he gets mad at me when I don't tell him that I love him and I have this big conspiracy theory in my mind that he's fucking another girl or two whilst we talk."

His eyes grew big and mine just welled up with tears. "What the fuck?" Be blurted out and I laughed, "Brian. How dare you use that cruel and obscure language." He smiled at me, and I sniffed, blinking some tears away. "You deserve better than that Tahnée. Why don't you just leave him."
"I'm still blinded by what I thought we had, and the parts that we actually had. I've been fighting for this relationship for so long and I just want to see, for once, if he'll fight for it too."

Again, he said nothing.
Silence.
A taunting silence.

"Please say something. Don't just look at me with sympathy and as if I'm a pathetic girl, only running after one thing."
"You're not. And I'm looking at you because I know who you are even when I don't. You deserve better than someone like him, who breaks your heart more than he makes you happy, and I can see how this is breaking you so I don't understand why you keep holding on."

He stole my words. The words I always repeat in my mind. How did he know? It's as if he said those things exactly as it was, explaining my position exactly as it is.
He let out a sigh, pulling me in to a hug. I rested my head on his chest as I held him close.

"I'm sorry that I've hidden it from you." "It's okay Tahnée." I could hear the sadness and bit of dissatisfaction in his voice.
But I don't know why he has that tone to it.

"We can still be friends right?"
"Obviously!" He exclaimed, putting in the next DVD and starting it up.
I felt bad. He didn't say anything the entire movie through. He didn't move or look over to me.

I should've never told him. I should've never mentioned anything. Maybe I'd just move of from Daniel, with Brian. But then when he eventually finds out things would probably just be weird.

-

As the movie ended I looked over to Brian again, this time hoping for a small reaction. No matter how small it may be. Just a little look or a small faint smile. But instead I found his fast asleep on the couch beside me.

I slowly and softly stood up, crouching down in front of him and pulling he blanket up to his shoulders. Looking at his features and smiling as I saw his cheeks a crimson colour.
I ran my fingers through his quiff before standing up and grabbing my phone from the kitchen table.

As I walked to my toom I froze in the doorway, seeing the messages on my phone. Daniel.
What does he want now?

Daniel: can we talk
Daniel: i miss you
Daniel: i know it's been a while since we talked but i've been busy
Daniel: please tahnée. call me when you get this

Just then my phone buzzed in my hand and I saw his caller ID.
Oh fuck me, what do I do now?

I answered...

"What do you want?" I sighed as I walked in to my room, closing the door behind me. "Really. No hello or anything?" "Give me a reason why you deserve my respect right now."
He went silent. "I know I don't deserve your respect right now but I'm still your boyfriend." "Are you?" I could tell he was shocked by my reaction.

"I'm sorry Daniel but ever since I got her eyou called me liek two to three times, and I've been here for over a month now." He really doesn't know what to say when someone calls him out with the hard reality and truth.
He gets cold and freezes when he needs to respond.

"Daniel, please just say something because I need to know that I'm not fighting in this alone." "I'm sorry Tahnée." "Is that really all you have to say?"

I heard the ruckus from behind him over the phone. It's so familiar already and I know he'll blow me off now. "I have to go Tah-" "Really? Where are you running off to all the time?" "Nothing. I have to go." He hung up.

Ugh! He is so infuriating sometimes. And I hate him, I can say that now because what he does to me is killing me. I hate him for what he's doing. And I hat that I don't know why he's doing it.

I walked out of the room and saw Brian switched from position. I smiled at him. What I ever did do deserve a friend like him, I might never know.
I grabbed my sweater from the kitchen chair and got it on before walking over to the window. Opening the door on the side and stepping outsid eon the small balcony, closing the door behind me so the cold doesn't get in and wake Brian up.

"Why can't it all just stop?" I whispered to the unknown, feeling the tear rolling down my cheek and the wet trail it left got cold as the wind harshly blew. "I give and he just takes, and I cannot give him any more. It's breaking me. There's nothing left to give."

I looked up, out over the view. The CN Tower barely visible through the hard pouring rain.
I cried, but the tears were fooled by smaller drops landing on my face as it dripped down from the small roof covering the balcony.

"I want to love," I continued talking to myself. It's better to let these things out than to hold them in any longer. I turned around and looked at Brian through the glass window. "But I want to love the one I know will love me too."

What if I never mentioned Daniel to him?
That I never mentioned having a boyfriend and I could just find myself to love him and fall in love with him. What would've happened if it so gratuitously happened over time?

If I loved him and he loved me?

Would that be such a big of a sin to just forget about Daniel? To love someone whom I really love instead of saying I like someone but it's not enough, it's not real and it's not good. Toxic.
Bad.

I turned back and looked over the view. Taking breaths and just getting my mind to calm down, because I know my heart will never.