Loving Brian | B.C

Part 65: vulnerability

//tahnée//

I'm elated to be here with Shawn this morning. I know leaving Micheal there in the unknown at my apartment was a but cold hearted, but then again, this is an opportunity I don't want to just pass by.

I felt a bit like a grub, so small in this room full of big people, but I just look at Shawn and I feel comfortable again.

He walked in to the studio as I took my seat in the wheeling chair behind the controls. He sang bits and pieces of it and George-guy behind all the keys, puts it together to make the final mater piece.

-

I looked at Shawn as he smiled faintly, biting down on his index finger as he listened carefully to the soundtrack playing in his ears. He looks satisfied, happy and proud of what he created.
Moment later he removed the headphones from his ears, handing them over to me. "Tell me what you think." He smiled. He placed the headphones on my head, smiling one last smile at me before pressing some blue button on the controls and his angelic voice filled my ears.

"Help me.
It's like the walls are caving in.
Sometimes I feel like giving up but I just can't.
It isn't in my blood."

I looked at him with big eyes ashe did the same to me. Biting down his nails as he waited and waited for my response. Damn.
Just the intro already shot me to the core as I listened to the song. Closing my eyes as the lyrics imprinted in my mind and thoughts and all I saw was myself.

Feeling this deep connection with the song, that not even words can describe. I already see the reactions of fans and other people when they hear this song.
It's truly something to connect with.

"All my life I waited for something like this," I started explaining as I took the headphones off my ears. "You wouldn't believe how many times I thought about ending my life, but I just couldn't do it. And this song, this— mater piece that you've written. It explains life in itself, with all its complications and rawness of real emotion, showing that it's not easy. It's not easy to live, but at the same time it's not easy to die. To give up." He looked at me with a big smile on his face, a breath of relief leaving his lips, glad that I loved the song.

"I'm telling you Shawn, this song will be a hit."
"Thank you Tahnée." He took my hand in his, giving it a gentle squeeze before turning back to the controls and finishing up.
This was by far the best experience I ever had in my life. It's not much but I got to experience Shawn in the studio and listen to a song of his even before it's released.

After about twenty minutes, Shawn and I took the road back to the car. "So the story behind this?" I asked as we just pulled away. "Oh yeah." He chuckled, "I wrote it because I wanted to get as honest as possible. I realized that if I want to top everything I ever did up until this point in my career, even though there's never a pinnacle in this line of business I'm in, I needed to get as honest as possible."

"I know I'm only ninetee, but this is an extraordinary life. I started music whilst I was still in school, whilst I was still growing and learning how to handle life so you can see how at times this can be a very stressful thing."

I always wondered how he saw his life and career through his own eyes. I mean, duh, blessed as heck but it should've been tough. Nobody just wakes up, decides that this is what they want to so and then the next morning their already at the pinnacle of the career.
No. It all takes hard work and for Shawn to realize that this is what he want to do with his life, make that big of a decision to sacrifice so much and make this big decision at the age of only fifteen... #respect.

"So it's about you?" He nodded, a small smile playing in the corners of his lips. His eyes, I wonder how they must be shining underneath the sunglasses on his nose. A smile can sometimes be manipulative, but when I see someone's eyes in certain situations... it's like I can see how they really, actually feel about it. But with no doubt do I think he's unhappy with this decision he's making about releasing the song. It's a great next milestone and for him to take the leap and be even more open about his life than way before, that's what I call success.
A man, truly remarkable.

"I wrote it to kind of express how I feel about this career, the pressure that goes with it and how it changed my life, I mean some people start their big career after school. I'm nineteen. Full four years later and I think I can share bit of honesty on how it affected my life. Not in a bad way, but like everything else in life, it has its negatives." He chuckled at the end of his explanation.

I find him inspiring, somewhat encouraging and definitely true.
"You're one heck of a guy Shawn. My respect for you flows deep and grounded."
"Oh common." He laughed it off, "No. I'm dead serious. I don't think I'd be able to cope with so much. I mean topping everything you did the following year with the next, a name that grows every single day and— damn man. That's pressure." We shared a laugh to lighten the deep situation a bit, but then it just got more deeper.

He cleared out his throat, "Why did you want to end your life?" I looked down to my lap, smiling a faint smile. "In that time that Daniel and I went through a bit of a rough patch, he started getting more aggressive. I assume Micheal told you about what he did to me, but what Micheal nor nobody else knows is what he actually did to me in that time."

By now he took his glasses off so that he could look me dead in the eye. Not trying to make a perfectly good day a miserable one because this is really off to a good and great start. But he wanted to know, so why not share the full story? "Now I don't want your sympathy nor pity at any time but if you want to know I'll tell you." I warned him because the last thing I need now is someone pitying me over a thing that happened a year ago.

"Hitting got more touchy-feely in an aggressive way, and he started abusing me in sexual manners. I know this will sound creepy but Micheal and I went to swim one day in the public pool because neither one of us had a pool at home. I didn't want to undress because of the bruise but once he got me fully convinced and so... I got undressed. He noticed the bruises on my breasts and sides and I knew I should've told him... but I was to scared. So I just left it, like I did with everything else." He just focused on the road, still listening to every single detail of the story.

I saw him shifting in his seat at times, and I must say, I felt the uncomfortableness in myself as well.
"What did you say when he asked?"
"I told him that at gymnastics I fell off the bar." I chuckled but he just smiled a faint smile.

This is why I hate telling people about what Daniel did to me because it makes them sad, it awakens bad memories and nightmares in my mind and it causes a bit of disruption within me. Making me realize just once again why I felt the way I felt and why the scar on my upper thigh is there.
"He made me feel worthless in the way he touched and handled me. Luckily he never got further than just touching but I was just lucky with that. I feel stronger now hough, like after all of that, lettig him finally go... I'm saying no to things I'm not comfortable with, when atthe time I was too afraid to lose everything, so I just went with it." I sighed, just staring out of the window.
I don't want to look over to him.

"So that's why."

And he said nothing.