Loving Brian | B.C

Part 61: be alone

//brian//

What the hell happened last night? Why is Shawn in Tahnée's room, why was the door closed and why—why did he lie to me?

He told me he'll never do such a thing to me! But I guess now I have all the evidence to prove his statement, and so called promise to me, utterly and completely wrong.

I looked at her with hurt in my eyes, but she probably couldn't see it. She just looked down to Micheal and absolutely avoided talking to me. I wonder what's going on in her mind.
Does she know that I know? Is she trying to hide it? Are they both in love but just don't want to say it?
Since when?

When I stumble over in to the kitchen where she was, she'd just smile a cheap ol' smile at me and walk out. Without me even getting a single word in. Without her even getting a single word out.
What's going on? Why is she avoiding me? Was it me? Was is Shawn? Was it Micheal? What?

Did I do something wrong last night that I don't know of? Did I hurt her, said something that I shouldn't? Touched her in a way that I mustn't have?

Did I ... kiss her?
No. That I would've remembered.
Did I tell her that I love her?
I hope not.

All of this is so confusing, and it makes me crazy. Infuriating moments liek these, it drives me nuts. I won't ever let alcohol get the best of me the way it did last night, but that was pure pressure. Even thiught it was pure fun. Everyone was drinking, everyone was wild. So why not join he group?
But that was a big mistake as I see it now.

-

I just sat on the couch, sipping away on a strong cup of coffee and looking out over the view of Toronto. Everyone in this apartment are like zombies. Lurking around the rooms, groaning with oain and sufferi the dead hangover from the night before.

It's mid noon and suddenly Prince Charming decides to appear out of his empire. The moment he stepped with his foot out of her bedroom door he immediately smiled over to her. Not just any smile, a sheepishly smirk with red cheeks and the works. Some teeth showing and the wiggling of his eyebrows just giving it away much much more.
The blood in my veins were boiling, seehig of anger, and if I seriously had the power I'd jump up and tackle him or just punch him straight in to the wall.
But it's like a mouse fighting an elephant. And a little heads up... I'm the mouse.

I never win.
Clearly love is just not meant to be for me. But with her I really thiught it was...

-

//tahnée//

I'm scared to talk to Brian. I feel like there's a strange atmosphere between us now and I can't just go uo and say, "yeah hey, remember our kiss last night?" Like.. no.
It's just not how things go down with me. Nothing ever goes down smoothly in my life, nor does it even go to plan. I mean look at this situation. But yet I don't know if he knows about the kiss.
The more I thought about it the more I remembered everything from last night.

The kiss is still a blurry mess, like I can't remember the feeling of our lips touching one another's but all around it seemed all clear. I can't remember what it felt like to brush my figers through his hair nor how it felt to be so close to him, to touch him and feel him for all her is and how he is. I don't recall feeling every muscle tensing up under my touch nor the feeling of his hands over my body.

But I wish.
I wish I knew how it felt, or just remembered how it felt. To feel that soothing feeling of being in the arms of someone who really loves me for me and not just because love is something he's dying to have.

I ignored him for the first half of the morning, and I know it's wrong of me but I needed to get my shit together before walkig up and maybe, just maybe, blurting it all ot. I think I need to talk to him. Find out what he knows, what he remembers from last night.

I saw him sitting by the window, suffering on his strong cup of black coffee. I took a deep breath, held it in for a moment and then let it out, slowly all at once. Standing up and walking over to him.
"Hey." He looked up at me, smiling a faint smile. "Hi." He said before looking back over the view. Okay. "How are you feeling?" He just nodded slighty as I sat down next to him, crossing my legs up on the couch and looking at him.

Much more beautiful than the view but, he's so distant. So far away. "I'm okay." He said bluntly. "Oh, uhm okay."
He doesn't say a lot. Like he's mad, hurt or just... I don't know but he's not here, he's not present and that hurts me.

"Brian are you sure you're okay?" "I'm fine Tahnée." He got a bit aggressive. I reached my hand out to touch his hand, maybe to calm him of whatever it is that's bothering him but he quickly shifted his position to hold his cup in a differ way. Avoiding my contact in any way.

Is he mad at me for not talking about the kiss or what? I don't understand him sometimes and I just wish that I can read his mind, see what he thinks and know why he acts the way he acts. He's so infuriating at times.
I sighed, "Do you remeber anything from last night?"
"Why is there something I need to know?" He snapped back. Catching me off guard. "Brian what's going on, why are you like this?"
"I told you, I'm fine." He smiled in a sarcastic way. "Do you remember our k-"
"No." He cut me off before I could even finish, just looking out over the view.

I felt the tears pricking in the back of me eyes as I looked down at my lap. My fingers obliviously starting to scratch off the nail polish on their own. I never thought of him as the one to yell or snap at me the eay he just did. But I guess even good friends can fool you at times.
"Okay." I whispered, getting up from he couch and walking to my room. As I do, wiping away the falling tear on my cheek.

"Tahnée?" I heard Micheal's voice full of question as he probably saw me all sad. The thing about his is that as soon as my heart breaks, his does too. As soon as a tear draws from my eyes, they fall down his cheeks as well.
I just closed the door behind me, not needing anyone here to cause even more disruption, even though they don't say a word.

I just want to be alone.