Loving Brian | B.C

Part 73: so hard to say

//tahnée//

He may be right opposite me, but the electricity is strongly streaming my way. His eyes, so big and bright, lost in the light of the life and his smile... what a smile.

I know why I want to kiss him. Because he is beautiful. And before that, because he's kind. And even before that, because he is smart and funny. Because he said yes to taking a long trip with me without getting bored. Because whenever I see something new and— and interesting, or even ridiculous, I'll always wonder about him... what he'll say about it or how many stars he'll give it.
See— no matter what I do my mind always goes back to him. I always think about what he feels, how he reacts and what he'll say.

He's engraved in to my mind. Like a name on a rock or like a tattoo. He's always there, and there's no way of getting rid of him without it being a great mission. But why would I?
Why would I let go of my one main source of happiness? Why would I throw him away, and with that, lose all my love and hope.

He holds my heart in his hands, and my body is under his control. If he bends, I'll be here. If he breaks, I'll keep him together. If he falls, I'll try my best to catch him, otherwise, I'll fall too.
Like a puzzle, we just fit together. His hand in mine, my body close to his. Perfectly linked and connected. Not to be broken. Saved.

I look over to him and I see his sides. His fronts. He hides behind it all but with all honesty, I just want him here. Brian. The one I know. The one who gets lost in the words of describing his honeycomb latte, the one who finds himself amongst the shore of the lake, camping out in the woods and watching down to earth as he's up amongst the stars. The one who looks at the moon and sees the beauty in it, falls in love with how it shines and how it glows. Loving the way the scars, dark marks and circles makes it imperfect, but yet, perfect in all ways of imperfection.

Even though he has a heart, afraid to love, feeling alone... he knows somewhere in the world, someone is looking at him the same way he looks at the moon.
If only he can look infront of him... see that it's me.

"What's going on in your mind?" He leaned closer to me, whispering his words as if he's afraid for the world to know. As did I. I leaned closer, smiled sweetly and whispered back, afraid to break his front. "I look at you, and I see you carrying the weight of life alone. Even the burden of the ones you used to love. I know you're scared, but so am I. I'm not asking you for much, no, all I ask of you is to allow me to help you carry it all."

He sat back, ran his fingers through his hair and smiled at me. I saw he small tears awakening in his eyes. If he just lets them fall. "The thing is—" he leaned closer again, really close. "You have a weight of your own. Why would you possibly want mine to top all that?"
"Because I know my two hands can't carry it alone, therefore you take it too. I just want to do the same for you."
"What if I let it go."
"I'll let it go with you."
"And if I fall?"
"I'll fall with you. Just to get you back up."

He closed his eyes, placing his hand over mine. This escalated really quickly in to something so deep, so heart moving and vulnerable. But I trust him. He trusts me.
I smiled as I saw the single tears rolling down his freckled cheek. I reached my hand out and cupped his cheek, seeing his eyes opening again as I wiped his cheek clean.

-

It was silent as we walked out of the restaurant, making our way back to my place. He's already all dressed up, as am I, now the 'ballroom awaits us.'
"Listen I—" I stopped him. "You don't have to say anything Brian. It's what friends are for."
Friends. The word hurts leaving my lips. But this was all just quite enough for the night. "Yeah, friends. Thank you." He said softly, holding the front door open for me.
I thanked him, walking in and taking my coat off.

I noticed Micheal in the living room and rushed over to greet him. And yes, I'm saying it, the weeks that passed by with him leaving... it was hell. Now I see him again, only to just leave again.
But he's in my blood, in my veins. Just like Micheal and Brian are tattoos to me... I guess I'm the same for them.
"Aah you guys are back. How was dinner?"
"You went out for dinner?" Micheal elbowed me as he smirked, wiggling his eyebrows.
"It was good, fantastic even." Brian answered before he sat down next to me.

My mom and dad started talking and we all joined in on the conversation. Kinda bombarded poor Brian with questions but overall Micheal covered most of the stories. Telling my mom and dad all about Canada and even about me and Brian, when he hardly even knows.
"I trust you." Brian whispered in my ear as he took my hand in his. Slowly moving his hand down the palm of mine before intertwining our fingers, giving my hand a gentle squeeze. "That's all I ask of you."
"Is it all?" I looked at him with my eyebrows furrowed together. What does he mean by that? But before I could ask, the Evans Family came walking through the door and we all got up to greet them.

"Is the dance here?"
"No, it's at a lake nearby my dad's work."
"So it's a ride?" I saw the smile of his face growing, still holding my hand in his. "Yes."
"Great."
We all walked out to the car and got in. Brian, Micheal and I all on the far back seat of the van, his parents in the middle row and my mom and dad at the very front, obviously. "You look beautiful." "Can you just stop being sweet?" I chuckled as I saw him looking down at our hands.

This has to be. It's not normal. I never held hands with Micheal this long. If I can just tell him, make him see that this is more than just a friendship.
He caressed the top of my hand with the pad of his thumb, mumbling something under his breath. "Sorry?" "Huh-mhh- no nothing." He covered up.

I like you.
Why is that so hard for me to say?