Forgotten Conscience (girlxgirl) (Book 1)

Of All The 'What If' Joints in the World, Why'd She Have to Walk Into Mine?

Buffy's POV

How the hell am I gonna tell her?

I'm sitting at Faith's bedside, holding her hand.

She's passed out after all the tests they've put her through. I don't know why I'm holding her hand. I guess it makes me feel better to know she's okay. But I shouldn't want to feel better... it's my fault. She's gonna die and probably take me with her, all because some big bad wants me dead. I don't wanna feel better, I wanna feel guilty and scared... scared that I'm gonna die.

But I don't. I'm sitting here next to Faith, feeling the warmth of her hand in mine, and all I can feel is... determined. I feel determined to do whatever it takes to help Faith through what will no doubt be one of the hardest things she's ever been through. I can't let her go through this alone, I have to help her. Whoever did this to her isn't gonna be happy when Faith works this formula out of her system and that's when they'll come for her and she has to be ready for that.

I can help her get ready. Once she's ready we can save the world.

I lift Faith's hand up and kiss it. I close my eyes as my lips touch her soft, silky skin and I'm overcome by this feeling of incredible warmth and safety.

We'll save the world and then we can be together...

I pull back from kissing her hand, but the warmth of her hand in mine gives me this need to never let go.

Oh my god, she was right. S-She was right... Tara was right. I do, I want to be with her. I want to be with Faith.

When the heck did this happen? When did I start feeling this way? This wasn't the way I felt before, when we first met. I mean, we got along but this didn't  even occur to me. We just didn't have this type of relationship. So when did this exactly happen? Was it the dreams? They were kinda going in this direction. I'm pretty sure it's why I was breathing so hard when we woke up because of our dreams. That was unlike anything I've ever felt before. It's an incredible feeling, followed immediately by a really bad feeling.

I open my eyes and let go of Faith's hand, letting it drop on the bed limply.

I can't do this, it's wrong. I can't dump this on her on top of everything else. Not only does she have no memory so she'll wonder if something didn't happen between us before, but she's about to learn she's being used as a tool of evil forces to try and kill me. How do I even start that conversation? Okay, go kill this vampire and hey, do you mind if I jump your bones afterwards? N-no I can't do that to her.

I look up at her sleeping face. She shifts in her sleep.

Besides, I don't even know if she feels the same way. What if she doesn't? That would make things kinda awkward between us, especially with us living together and all.

I start looking around the room like I'm looking for an answer or something.

What if she does? What if she does, and then we do? What if she does and then we do, and then we find out we love each other? What if she does and then we do and then we... we find out we love each other, and then she gets her memory back and everything changes? And what if she decides that she doesn't really love me like I would for her? What then? I don't think I could live knowing what we could've had.

My head stops moving as it lands its gaze on Faith's sleeping face.

I-I can't do this to her. It just wouldn't be right. Giles... I can get Giles to retrain her. Yeah, he was a Watcher for years. He knows about this stuff. He knows how to train slayers and stuff. I'll ask him.

I stand up out of my seat.

I should go and ask him right now.

I turn to leave. I feel a hand on my wrist. I turn back around and Faith is looking up at me.

"Buffy?"

Oh crap.