Loving him is so wrong!

Chapter 48

Chandler
I was sitting on the couch dying laughing. This has got to be a joke. This is a prank these two have to be pranking me. I came back here to get my shit and leave but then Alana practically was begging me to stay. I'm not though I was planning on having sex with her and then leaving but Zara messed up the plan. Now here we are with a positive pregnancy test in one hand and me losing my fucking mind. Fucking pregnant?
"You joking right" i finally said
"No. I'm sure you know how to read one of these" Alana said with her hand on her hip. I had to look at her up and down hoping she was going to break but she didn't. I held my hand out for the test and saw that it was indeed positive. I got up and grabbed a bottle of water out of the kitchen and gave it to Alana. Zara and her gave me a confused look and Alana spoke up.
"I'm not thirsty."
"Drink that. You're gonna retest" I said
I went in the bathroom and grabbed two more tests that she had and waited. Alana came to her room and crossed her arms over her chest. She just looked at me and I just looked at her. I can't forgive myself for what I did today. I can't trust myself to be alone with Alana anymore so if she's indeed pregnant I'm leaving. Not leaving my kids but for this baby safety and hers I'm leaving. I'm honestly scared for her to be with me. And also I don't know if she's in love with me or if she's scared of me. It's like I'm recreating my mom and dad with Me and Alana.
"You don't trust me?" Alana asked
"No I do. I just wanna be a hundred percent sure."
"I think the one is enough proof don't you think." Alana asked
"You sure this isn't Levi's kid? You gonna kill this one because you'll be scared of the truth." I spat. Shit I wasn't trying say that out loud but it came out anyways.
Alana eyes got wide and she started crying. I know what I said was a low blow but I don't know how to talk to her anymore. I went to her and gave her a hug I really do hate seeing her cry.
"That's a fucked up thing to say to me Chandler." Alana said
"I know. But I'm just saying are you gonna run off and do the same thing again."
"No. I can't bring myself to do something so traumatic again."
I nodded at her and we just sat in her room in silence. After ten minutes I left to check on the kids and saw that Avery was wide awake. I picked him up and hugged him tightly. I can't let Avery grow up without his parents because I feel deep down I'm going to kill Alana one day. I need to go get help I have never been like this with Monica. Yeah I've hit Mon maybe about four times in our whole relationship but it's something about Alana that turns me crazy.
"Umm you coming I have to pee." Alana said snapping me out of my thoughts.
"Yeah come on." I said as I grabbed her hand and guided her to the bathroom.
She sat down and grabbed the tests and peed on them. I held my hand out for them as she washed her hands. I didn't look at them but she did. She held them up for me and yup positive. I nodded my head handed Avery to Alana and walked out of the house.
"Chandler!" Alana screamed
"Not now Alana." I said before walking out the door and lighting a blunt. Thank god my daughter is a fucking stoner.
I was pacing back and forth my mind was going crazy. I felt all these voices in my head telling me to do different thing. I needed someone to talk to. I grabbed my phone and called the only level headed person I know.
"Why you calling me for its fucking midnight?" Alonzo said in the phone. I chuckled at him. He can't never just say hello.
"I need your help. I did something very bad." I said truthfully
"What the fuck did you do?"
"I got Alana pregnant again." I said
"Okay... So what's the bad thing?"
"We're not together anymore and I don't think we will ever get back together. I can't do it."
"What happened?" Alonzo asked
"We haven't been good for a week now and she said something and I cheated on her and she found out." I admitted telling half truth
"Chandler! Are you fucking serious? After I put my doubts and fears to the side and finally let her be with you, you go around and fuck it up! I'm sick of this shit with you Chandler you're fucking 45 years old and you can't act right to save your fucking life. Damn I hope she never gets back with you. Fucking idiot, what the hell happened to you changing?"
"I did change for a little bit but it got bad and I did something stupid. I need to focus more on myself than a relationship."
"Yeah maybe you should. Get the fuck off my phone i need to call my daughter. Stupid piece of shit i love you man" Alonzo said before hanging up. I laughed and finished smoking my blunt and thought about life. I seriously fucked up and I want to make it up to her but first I need to call my therapist. I've maybe kinda missed four appointments but only because I thought I had my anger together but today proved otherwise. I go up and started giving myself a pep talk about leaving.
"Okay Chandler when we get in the house you go get your shit,kiss your kids, then fucking leave. Don't look at Alana don't talk to Alana. If you look into her eyes you're gonna wanna fuck then forgive her and fucking is something we don't need right now.Grab your shit and just leave." I said to myself
I finally opened the door and went back in the house and saw Zara passed out on the couch and Alana cleaning up the house. Damn them shorts looking good on her. Chandler walk the other way. No, follow the ass. I followed her into the kitchen and just watched her. Alana is amazing and she's so loving I wondered what she meant by the statement "you wasn't the one to fuck me up". Shit who made her love crazy?
"Baby can I ask you something?"I said
"What?"
"Who hurt you before me?"
"Physically or mentally?" Alana asked
"Both I guess."
"Sit down Chandler it's about to get sad and deep." She pulled out a chair for me and I sat down. I held my hands out for her to sit on my lap. Once she got situated on my lap I laid my head on her and waited for the story.
"There was once was a man name Derek. He was great boyfriend at first very loving and caring. Always wanted to be around my family and basically got in on y'all good side right."
"He was nice. I guess" I said
"WRONG! While he was smiling in y'all face he would be texting me mean and demeaning shit. He constantly made me feel like shit. He also guilted me into giving up my virginity."
"Seriously?" I asked
That wasn't the Derek that we knew at all. She always seem like he was the best thing to ever happened to her. They where together for at least four years. Shocking because we all thought they were gonna end up happily ever after.
"Wait? How did he guilt you out of your virginity?"
"One day he asked me to come over his house to spend the night and I told him I couldn't that me and Zara had plans. He cussed me out and constantly was calling me but I kept sending him to voicemail. In those messages he telling me how I didn't love him and that he was going to like hurt himself if I didn't come over. So once I heard all those I rushed over to his house and of course he was fine and he started telling me about how basketball practice sucked. Then he was saying how if he had sex he would be better. After I told him that I didn't want to have sex he started crying and yelling at me until I finally gave in and had sex with him. And after that his mental abuse turned into physical abuse. He hated for me to talk to any guys or not tell him if I was going anywhere. I became depressed and lost twenty pounds."
I remember that she was really skinny I thought she was sick but she said she was fine she didn't think she lost that much weight.
"Damn." Was all that I said.
"So see I was way fucked up before you. It was four and a half years of mental and physical abuse with him." Alana said as she got up and open the pizza box
"And you want to be with me even after all that you endured with Derek?"
"Difference between you and him is I wasn't in love with him after the first year. he made me feel like no one else wanted me but him and only he can have my body so when he finally broke up with me I went to see if someone found me attractive."
"Which is how you ended up in my office that night" i said thinking back to the first night.
"Yes. I was surprised that you thought I was sexy enough to sleep with so I wanted to continue doing it. Then after a while I fell for you but then you turned out to be just like him." Alana said sadly
"It all makes sense to me now."I said standing behind her
"How so?"
"In a way you're trying to prove to Derek that he was wrong which is why you like sleeping around"
"I mean I guess." Alana shrugged
It's true she always wanted approval from the opposite sex to tell her she's pretty and I never understood why. Alana is so fucking sexy and she never truly knew it. I remember during that time of her and Derek she would go around asking how she looked. She needed the praise to keep her insecurities in check. But I guess she had to go to another level with it after a while.
"I hope you know that you are the most beautiful woman in the world and no one should make you feel otherwise." I said as I kissed her lips.
I picked her up and carried her into her room and opened up her robe again. I kissed her neck down to her boobs and started to suck on them. Alana grabbed my head to stop me from sucking her boobs then kissed me again.
"I love you so much." Alana said to me
"I love you too baby. And I'm sorry please forgive me"
Alana nodded her head and I grabbed her legs and pushed them above her head. I slowly slid inside her and stopped. She felt so good so warm.
"Fuck Alana! I love you so much" i started to move my hips slow and deep making her moan with each thrust.
"Chandler go faster." Alana said
"No baby slow I want it slow."
I want to remember this. I laid my head in the crook of her neck and gave her soft kisses on her shoulder to her her chin. Alana hands was rubbing up and down my back making me relax more. I sat up and looked her in the eyes. Fuck I love this woman so much.
"I'm going to cum." Alana whispered
I picked up the pace a little and put both of her jeans over her head. She put her lips on mine and I kissed her as we both came together. I got off of her and grabbed her and pulled her closed to me. I cuddled and held on to her until she was fast asleep in my arms. I kissed her head and then her lips while she was sleeping which made her smile in her sleep. I then went down to her stomach and kissed it over and over again. Saying good bye is so hard.
"I love you so fucking much. Which is why I have to do this."
I got up out of the bed and grabbed my suitcases. I went into Avery's room and kissed and hugged him and then Mariah who was sleeping in the crib next to his.
"Dad where are you going?" Zara asked
"I need some time away. Please tell Alana I'm sorry."
I walked out of the house and drove to the airport.
"Hi. Can I get a first class plane ticket to Paris please?" I asked the clerk
"Wow Paris! What's there?"
"Oh someone very special to me."
I walked to my end of the airport and waited for them to call for me to board the plane. When I sat down I thought about Alana and how I couldn't leave without saying goodbye. I opened my phone and decided to text her.
Me: hey baby look I'm sorry about everything and hurting you but I can't stay there. I need some time away some time to figure myself out and to face my demons on my own. I know you think you can help me but there's no helping someone who isn't ready for help. I'm sorry to be leaving you alone again with another pregnancy but I want to make sure you are safe from me. I won't be gone long I promise. I'm so fucked up and I'm sorry. I love you ❤️
I sent the text just in time because they where calling for my plane. Once on the plane I shut my phone off and went to sleep for the next couple of hours.
"Sir sir. We're here." A flight attendant said to me waking me up
"Thank you. Sorry I must have been very tired." I said smiling at her.
I got off the plane and took a taxi to a hotel that I'm going to be staying in. Once I checked in I quickly took a shower and went to my next destination. It took my cab driver a hour to pull up to these beautiful mansions in Seine-et-Marne. I was nervous being here because I haven't seen this person in a long time. I went up to her door and knocked.
"One second." I heard from the other side of the door.
When she opened the door there she was. Standing tall at 5'10,long silver hair,bright blue eyes, and beautiful smile. At 68 years old she was still stunning. She seemed shocked to see me but the moment I saw her I grabbed her and collapsed on the floor.
"Chandler?"
"Mom!" I cried into her.