Loving him is so wrong!

Chapter 53

Alana
"Get in the god damn room now!" My mom yelled at me. I rolled my eyes and followed behind her.
"You're fucking up you know that!" She yelled
"How am i fucking up? I'm not even doing anything bad I'm living my life the way I want to live."
"Alana. First off I told you not to get back with him and yet you do it. Then you decided to have another fucking kid by him. Chandler is fucking up your life you ain't even live yet. You don't know a thing about love"
Here we fucking go! I don't know what life she wanted me to have but I wanna have my own. Do things my way instead of following what she wants me to do. I'm so over everyone telling me how to live and when I make a decision by myself I'm the bad guy.
"Ma I have lived. I've fallen in love and then out of love. I partied,Ive traveled,I met people,I live on my own,I've had sex, I tried drugs, ma hell I even been engaged!!! What else is there for me to do!?" I yelled with tears flowing down my face
"Alana calm down stop gettin upset and just talk to me. Chandler isn't who you need to be with. He's not the right one you're young you can get someone else."
"I don't want anyone else! Let me live my life the way I want to live. I'm sick of everyone making my decisions for me. Every damn time I do something here's someone telling me I should do the opposite. Why can't you just let me be happy?" I asked
I sat down and started crying even harder.Fucking hormones! I wiped my eyes and got up again and started fumbling around in my room. Cleaning makes me happy.
"I'm scared for you that's why. You don't know how I felt when I got that phone call when you were laying in the hospital bed! I felt like I was dying and you went around and forgave him. I have never looked at Chandler the same but I tolerated him for your dad and you! Your dad had the hardest time wrapping his brain around it but eventually he forgave him cause your dad is too fucking nice! Your dad was mad but he always had this soft spot for Chandler and he just continued with the friendship because you begged him to. But me no,I fucking hate him and everything about him. I don't want to have to bury you because of him you can do better!" My mom said now crying. I sat there in silence because I didn't have nothing else to say about this. I get it I totally do but I'm fine where I am plus I believe he can change if just one person believe him.
"Ma, don't worry about me okay I'm fine ma I'm fucking great! He's not the same as he was then. I'm safe and I'm happy please can we not live in the past? Please!" I said standing up and looking my mom in the eyes. She shook her head at me and then asked me one last question.
"If Chandler got down on one knee and asked you to marry him, would you do it?"
I stopped and thought about it. I mean I think I would I mean I hope he asks me. Right now? I can't get married right now can I? Am I ready for that? Oh shit he's gonna ask me to marry him! I don't know. Shit why am I freaking out?
"Y-yeah why not. I mean he lives here we are going to have three kids together so sure. I can have a husband"
"Three!" My mom yelled
"Yeah ma, I'm having twins" i said laughing. She looked like she was about to faint.
"Alana you still have time to leave."
"Ma please! I'm seriously happy matter of fact I couldn't be happier!" I said
"But if anything happens you promise to call me! I'll be here to help you leave when you want to leave."
"Okay. And ma please be nice to him he's trying okay."
"I'll do my best."
We both walked out the room and my mom plastered a fake smile on her face and gave Chandler a hug. I didn't tell her to do all that but whatever gets her out the door quicker. I hugged my mom and she whispered in my ear. "We are both here if you need to leave" she said. I looked up at her and both of them gave me a serious look before walking out the door.
"You ready for bed?" Chandler asked
"Yeah. Let's go!" I ran to the back and Chandler was not too far behind me..
The next day I went with Chandler to his therapy session and I left there a little confused. I didn't want to ask too many questions but I have many unanswered questions. When Chandler wasn't looking I grabbed one of Dr. Mitchell's cards so I could call and ask him some things. Chandler also set up a meeting with that bitch Clara later on today and I wasn't looking forward to it. It's not that I didn't want to see if she's lying but I don't know what I'll do if she is pregnant by him. I looked at Chandler as he was driving and he looked to be in deep thought as well. I know he's freaking out about that whole situation but he only put this on himself.
"You good?" I asked
"Yeah baby I just need a nap before we deal with this bullshit. I know I'm not the father of her child I fucking know it!!" Chandler said gripping the steering wheel hard.
"I believe you." I said as I just closed my eyes and thought about everything. Is this it? Am I going to just be with Chandler. I mean I fought for him so I want him in my life. Is he my happily ever after? We got home and Chandler went straight to our room and went to sleep while I just sat outside thinking even more. I went into my pocket and grabbed the card and looked at it. Fuck it I'm calling.
"Hello this is Bryce Mitchell."
"Hi Bryce it's Alana."
"Oh hey Alana. Is everything alright?"
"Umm yeah.. i was wondering if I can make an appointment with you?"
"You and Chandler?" He asked
"No. Just me"
I got up and went inside to look and see if Chandler was sleeping and then went and sat on the couch. I don't know why I'm nervous about this for Chandler isn't going to do anything.
"I have an opening for tomorrow if you want to come. Alana are you sure you're okay?"
"Yeah I'm fine just want to talk that's all."
"Well okay then I'll see you tomorrow morning at ten"
"Okay. Bye."
Once I hung up the phone I went into the room and woke up Chandler. It's almost time for him to talk to that bitch so he needs to get up.
"Baby wake up baaaaabe" i said kissing him all over his face and neck. Chandler started laughing and smiling before he threw me under him.
"No sex. Time to get up and handle your business."
"Uuuugh not even a little bit?" He said pulling down my pants.
"Nope now come on let's get this shit over with!" I said as I kicked him so I could get up. Chandler groaned and got up out of the bed pouting.
"No sex makes me unhappy" he said
"We just had sex yesterday! You will live" i said
I gave him a quick peck on his lips and waited for him to finished getting dressed. I watched him as he got dressed and admired his sexiness. I loved everything about his body. From his graying blond hair to his pretty long toes. His strong arms and his amazing bubble butt shit I even love his long ass curly eyelashes. Chandler turned around and looked at me but I was too busy zoned out to noticed that he was fully dressed.
"Bet you wished we had sex now?" Chandler said
"Shut up!" I pushed him out of our room and walked to the door. We were joking and laughing all the way there but once we got to the bar we were silent. He looked at me and grabbed me.
"If this baby is mine what will you do?" Chandler asked me
"Honestly... I'll leave because you cheated on me." I said looking him in his eyes. Chandler face went blank and he rubbed his hands through his hair before talking to me.
"Where we actually together though?"
"Yes."
"When cause last time i checked you were single and sleeping with my brother!" Chandler yelled
"Then why did you hurt me if I was so called single and calling me all types of hoes?" I yelled back
"I-i don't want to talk about that" Chandler said. He cut the car off and then tried to get out the car but I stopped him.
"No! No! I want to talk about it! Why would you do that to me? I could have died! You don't do that to someone you love then you turn around and get that bitch pregnant!!" I yelled.
"I apologized so many times for that! And that baby isn't mine!" Chandler reached for me and I flinched. Chandler quickly moved his hands away from me and then got out the car but I kept on yelling.
"Oh bullshit Chandler you probably didn't even put on a condom! Fucking ass I swear!" I fumed
"Why are you with me Alana? I thought you were over it but obviously not! I just was going to rub your shoulders and you damn near jumped out of your skin.." Chandler said shaking his head.
"I love you that's why I'm with you! But I-i don't know come on let's go." I said trying to end the whole conversation.
"No! Say what you was gonna say"
"I did say what I had to say."
"No. Say what's on your mind!"
"I dont trust you Chandler! I'm trying my best to trust you through all of this but I can't! What if I you turn around and do it all again next time I'll be dead!"
"There won't be a next time but if you can't trust me then I don't know what to tell you. I'm not gonna fight over this anymore I'm sorry I hurt you."
Chandler got out the car and started walking towards the bar. I sat there and for a second and got out behind him and power walked to him. He grabbed my hand and we walked through the door. My eyes locked with her in the matter of seconds and she stood there looking nervous.
"Go get your baby mama." I said to Chandler
"Fuck you." Chandler said.
Chandler walked up to her and told her to come to us and then she sat down next to us. I looked her up and down and couldn't see how Chandler liked her. She isn't even his type at all but I guess so.
"Why you think I'm your baby's father? I had a condom on the whole time. The shit ain't break or nothing!" Chandler said. I looked at him and shook my head. He ain't waste no time getting into it.
"Chandler we didn't use a condom." She said
"Yes we did. Why are you lying for? I wasn't as drunk as you might have thought I was. I know for a fact I put a condom on!"
"Why would I lie for? I don't know you at all to try and trap you?" Clara said to him.
I sat there watching them argue back and forth. I didn't have anything to say this wasn't even my fight. I looked up at Chandler and saw that he was furious I could see how tight he was holding his fist he look like he wanted to blow but he didn't. I tried to rub his arm but he moved away from me.
"Not right now." Chandler said to me
"Chandler I'm nine weeks along now."
Chandler looked at me and I looked at each other and then looked at her. She's lying about how far along she is. She just told me that she was ten weeks.
"I thought you are ten weeks along." I said
"No. Doctor confirmed that I was actually just now nine weeks along." Clara said
"Then it's damn sure not mine if you are just now nine weeks along."
"We can get a DNA test." I said to both of them.
"Isn't there one you can get while pregnant?" Chandler asked
"But that can hurt my baby. Is that what you want to possibly kill this child?"
"Yes!" Chandler said
"Chandler!" I said
"What I know the bitch is lying the timing doesn't add up! You know it too i wasn't even in America if we go by your conception date. So I'll do this dna test to prove you wrong!" Chandler got up and walked out of the door and I was behind him. Chandler opened the door for me and slammed it the door and then got in.
"You okay?" I asked
"No. You pissed me off and that bitch in there pissed me off." Chandler said
Chandler sped off to my house in silence. I looked over at him and had to reach out to touch him.
"Don't. Not right now Lana"
"I just want to say I'm sorry for pissing you off. I didn't think it would make you upset I just wanted to tell you how i felt." I said
"Well it did but it's okay." Chandler said in a dry tone.
Once we got home I went to take a shower and then got into bed. I was over today and to avoid another argument I'm taking my ass to bed. If Chandler wants to feel some type of way because I can't trust him then oh well.
**********************************
The next day I woke up bright and early. Chandler didn't sleep in the room with me last night he stayed in the guest room and that was fine with me. I didn't have anymore to say to him and apparently he didn't have anymore to say either. But like a good girlfriend I was going to go in there and tell him I'm leaving. I walked into the room and saw him loudly snoring.
"Chandler I'm leaving I'll be back in a hour or so."
"Hmmm okay. Give me a kiss" Chandler said sitting up.
I leaned down and kissed him and then walked out of the door. I sat in the car and put the directions into my gps and went on my way. The whole way there I was thinking about everything. I meant it when I said I didn't really trust him and especially when he's mad I'm not a hundred percent sure he's not gonna go crazy on me.
"Hello Alana nice to see you." Dr Mitchell said to me right as I walked through the door. He was kissing up on the assistant who I assumed was his wife.
"Hey. I'm sorry I'm a little early."
"It's okay you're only ten minutes early and you're my first appointment anyways. Oh this is my beautiful wife Danielle." We both smiled and wave at each other. He guided me to his office and I got comfortable on the couch. He grabbed his notepad and sat down in front of me. While he was getting situated I couldn't help but notice how fine he is. Yeah I know. He's probably the same age as Chandler, clean bald head,nice coffee color skin,sexy brown hooded eyes and he has the most beautiful long eyelashes,nice full lips with a goatee. The man is just fine.
"You ready to start?" He asked me
"I'm sorry what?"
"I said are you ready to start."
"Yeah." I said as I moved my hair out of my face.
"What do you want to talk about Alana?" He sad clicking his pen.
"I honestly don't know. I was going to ask you something about Chandler but it's not even him. It's me."
"Meaning?" He questioned
"I think I like Chandler angry. I don't like calm Chandler." I blurted out.
"You like him angry? Why do you like him angry?"
"I don't know. It's what I'm used to maybe i don't know" i shrugged
"Alana let's talk about you."
"What about me?" I asked
"I don't know."
We sat in silence for another ten minutes before I started talking.
"Do you think I'm pretty?" I asked out of the blue. He raised his eyebrows at me and then looked at me before responding.
"I think You're beautiful and you have a nice body Chandler is a lucky man."
"I just asked if I was pretty not anything about my body." I said making him laugh a little
"Alana you want to get into your problems? Or you want me to stroke your ego?"
"Okay fine. I'm fucked up mentally..My mom was right I don't know shit about love"
"O-"
"I mean am I capable of love? Does someone like me deserve love?Do you think Chandler loves me" i asked. I was now standing and walking around his office.
"I think he does. Alana i would like to go back to you talking about liking Chandler angry ." Bryce said. I turned and looked at him and then smile. He really is cute.
"Okay." I said sitting down again. I was nervous to say anything as he stared me in my eyes. I felt weak as he just looked at me.
"So?"
"I like pissing Chandler off I don't know why but I do."
"Did you use to make your ex mad on purpose a lot?" Bryce asked
"I mean I used to do shit I knew pissed Derek off just to show him I'm in charge of myself. Anyways fuck him."
"Are you scared of Derek?"
"I'm terrified of him actually more than I am of Chandler. I mean I'm not scared of Chandler... I mean I've seen him a lot since we broke up when I used to live in Memphis."
"Why are you scared of him and why more than Chandler?" Bryce said writing a lot in his notepad.
"He mentally broke me down. He had me thinking I was worthless and that no one would love me. He played a lot of psychological tricks on me. He was just evil for no reason and it scared me that I love him." I said
"And do you still live Derek?"
"Yes. But I'm not in love with him. It's scary that after everything I still love him." I said
"Alana you're repeating a cycle and you don't see it. Why make Chandler mad? He's trying to move on and you want to continue the old ways. You're dumping every bad thing Derek did on to Chandler. Not saying Chandler is innocent in y'all relationship because he's definitely not at all but you have to want to move on. Y'all relationship will never work if you don't get some type of closure yourself." He said closing his notepad
"Why do you think closure is such a good thing?"
"Because closure is good for everyone. why hold on to the past when you're trying to work on your future?"
"So you're saying I need to talk to Derek?"
"I'm telling you that you need to face your fears. Derek definitely still has some type of hold on you. He's turned you into an insecure emotionally unstable,always looking for approval person."
"I don't need anyone's approval!"
"Alana why did you ask me if you're pretty then?"
"I don't know just wanted to see if you thought so."
"Why does it matter what i think?" He asked again raising his brow up at me.
"Okay Anyways so I should go see Derek."
"Yes have a talk with him give him a peace of your mind. Cry, scream, hell laugh. Reminisce on the good talk about the bad get Derek out your system. Then come home and talk to Chandler decide whether you want to make it work or not with him. Then come back and see me."
I sat there and thought about it. I mean I can take Zara with me and maybe we can jump him. Shit I'm pregnant can't fight him. Okay I'll see him I hope he's right about this.
"Thank you. I think I'll do just that."
"Okay. Well it was nice talking to you. Are you good?"
"A little better." I said smiling
I stood up and so did he and he leaned over and gave me a hug before I walked out the building. I got in the car and called Zara.
"Wassup girl?"Zara said over loud music
"I need you to come with me to Memphis." I said
"Why?"
"I need to talk to Derek." I said
Closure closure closure. I hope it's worth it.