She didn't know

1

 Ally

I lay in bed trying to convince myself to get up. My eyes burn from how much I have been crying the past few days. Today it's important, though, to be strong. I have to get up and stand tall. I can get through this. If not for myself, then for Xale. I have to. I repeat those three words over and over in my head until I can finally roll out of bed and wipe the tears from my cheeks.

My feet touch the cold wood floors, and I instantly want to fall back into bed but instead slide on my slippers. I'm walking over to our closet, my closet now, I guess. I grab the black wrap dress I put aside last night and the black cardigan. Walking out, heading to my bathroom, I notice Trevors favorite sweater dangling out of the top of the hamper sitting beside the door. Grabbing it, I bring it to my face and inhale. Feeling the need to be close, I take off my tank top and put it over my head, pulling the collar over my nose to smell his cologne that's still lingering.

Continuing into the bathroom. I stand in front of the mirror. My hair is a birds nest on top of my head, and my eyes are puffy and red, mascara stains my cheeks. I toss my stuff on the counter and blow air into my cheeks as I stare at my reflection. How did this happen? How did I get here? It all felt unreal, but the way my heart aches was anything but fake. Leaning over, I sighed heavily as I turned on the sink and waited for it to warm up a second, then washed by face and brushed my teeth as I zoned out. Snapping myself out of it I plopped my toothbrush into the cup that held Trevor's. Yanking out a drawer, I quickly focused on my makeup. Covering the bags under my eyes, adding some colour to my skin, and applying waterproof mascara I bumped the drawer shut with my hip.

Looking at myself in the mirror, I fake a smile. Telling myself all I need to do is make it though today. Tomorrow, I can cry. Removing my slippers and pajama shorts, dropping them where I stand. I take off his sweater and bringing it to my face for one last smell before dropping it as well. Putting on the wrap dress into much work, but it feels like the hardest thing I've done in days, until I grab my brush and try to work out all the knots and realize getting dressed was a price of cake compared to this. Tugging and ripping at my hair I finally manage to get the brush from root to ends without snagging and want to cry. I need to be strong, though, so I don't, I hold back each sob that tries to shake me. Gathering my hair up I twirl it into a sleek bun and use one of the many stray electrics that decorate my bathroom counter.

Dirty clothes in hand, I bring them with me as I leave my bathroom and drop them into the hamper as I walk to Xale's room.

Looking around his room I wrap my arms around myself as I sit down on his bed. The sports team jerseys hanging on the wall because he wanted to be just like his dad. What five year old really enjoyed hockey for any other reason? Glancing down at the photo of Xale and Trevor at the rink a lump forms in my throat and I nearly choke unable to breath. Wiping away a stray tear I hadn't meant to shed, I rub my son's back.  "Bubba, get up. You gotta brush your teeth and get dressed. I'm going downstairs, okay?"

Incoherent murmurs brush past his lips while he rubs his eyes and sits up,  resting on his elbows. 

"Come on, I'll let you have McDonalds on the way, okay? We gotta be there before everyone else. Your clothes are on your dresser." I say and get up once he grabs his blankets, pulling them off himself. Making my way downstairs, I run into the kitchen, glad I'd prepared his stuff last night so he won't see me struggle not to cry now.

Seeing Boomer sleeping in front of the side door, I fill her water and food dish. Then, open the door to let her out for a pee. Running to the front door, opening the coat closet door, I reach up onto the top shelf, pulling down a shoe bin. Grabbing some plain black 4-inch heels, I put them on and turn to see Xale hopping down the last step.

"Hey bub, let Boomer in, and I'll grab you some shoes and a sweater." I say.

Seeing him turn into the kitchen, I put the bin back up top and grabbed his shoes off the floor of the closet and a sweater he had hung inside. Walking into the kitchen, I see him crouched, hugging Boomer's neck, whispering into her ear. Running his hand up and down her side. Coming up behind him, I rub his back. Plopping on my butt and grabbing him in my arms, putting him in my lap. Giving him a quick hug, I swallow down my sadness hoping to comfort him during his own grief.

"So what do you want from McDonalds?" I ask while putting his shoes on for him.

"Pancakes and chocolate milk." He says, looking at my face, searching my eyes like he's trying to read me like a book.

I force myself to smile and meet his eyes, brushing my thumb along his cheek where a tear had been making its way down. Kissing his forehead, then whispering. "That sounds yummy, lets go."

Helping Xale to his feet I watch him put on his sweater and get up myself. Grabbing his hand, we make our way back out front, taking my keys and purse off the hook beside the door. Stepping outside, I turn around to lock the door before walking to the truck and opening Xale's door. Letting him climb in while I wait. Looking down the street, Trevor and I have lived for what felt like forever. Families playing out front are unaffected by what has happened. I wish I could be one of them. I used to think things like this only happened to other people. Now I am one of the people it has. How oblivious was I, to think my life could be a fairytale? Turning back to Xale, I make sure his seat is done up properly, then close his door and open the drivers side door and hop in, buckling up. I pushed the start button and looked in my rear view mirror before backing up. I was officially the nightmares I used to have. The same nightmares all people have when they fall in love. He was gone, and aside from Xale I was all alone.

"We need to be strong today, okay?" I say once I've started driving down the street towarddowntownwn. I hate myself for saying it but I don't think I could stand seeing him cry on top of everything else today, not without breaking down myself. Honestly, a part of me is only saying it for myself, to remind myself to be strong.

"Okay, momma." He replies. "Are we still going to grandmas this weekend?" He continues.

"Yea baby, I'm packing tonight. Want to order pizza tonight and watch movies and have a sleepover in my room?" I mumble, not wanting to sleep alone again tonight and knowing he won't either.

"Sure." He says, looking out his window, shrugging.

Pulling into the drive threw, I get his food and myself a tea. Handing his back to him before pulling back onto the road and continuing towards the grave yard where we are about to bury my husband. Making me officially a widow, and my son fatherless. I feel my throat start to constrict while I try to choke back my tears. I look into my rear view mirror and brush my thumb under my eye, making sure not to ruin my makeup. Then, focus on the road. 

Turning into the cemetery, I slow down, feeling the bumps in the dirt path. I can see the white tent ahead indicating where my husband will be buried. Making my way over, I park and grab my tea and take a sip, trying to get rid of the heavy knot forming in my stomach but fail. Opening my door and closing it with my hip while I reach for Xale's door and open it. Putting my tea on top of the cars roof. I help him unbuckle, then lift him out and put him down. Closing his door before grabbing my tea and making our way over and under the tent. There in the middle lies a casket. Closed surrounded by chairs. The funeral director comes over, and I nudge Xale to go sit while I speak to him. 

Today I need to stay strong, if not for me, for the son we shared. Yet as the bald man speaks his words all fade into the background and my eyes are stuck to the little green spec in his eye. Trevor had green in his eyes, browns and greens that held a depth I'm afraid I'll never see again. This man's eyes are not the same, even with the green, but they remind me what I've lost all the same.

I've lost everything. I've lost my partner, and I might never recover.